Twilight Tuesday (Beauty Part Two)

When God was creating the world it was not complete until Eve, His last creation that week, was in it.   Then it wasn’t just good, it was very good.  Women were made to show the world God’s beauty.  “Beauty is essential to God.  No- that’s not putting it strongly enough.  Beauty is the essence of God, (Captivating, 34).  In a culture that values material gains you can lose sight of beauty in the search for usefulness.  But Eve was radiant and so are our daughters.

 

      One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

                                                            Psalm 27:4

God’s beauty is mirrored in nature around us and in us.  Beauty is both our physical appearance and our inward character.  While you may have one or the other, your soul still longs for both.  It is okay mom, if you are just now learning about your own beauty.  Let your daughter see your joy in discovering how God sees you.  Our worldview shapes our experiences so change your own point of view and experience the difference it makes.

When you are anxious what calms you?  Many people visualize a “happy place,” that is calm, quiet, and…beautiful.  Beauty makes us slow down so we can enjoy all its aspects. 

Beauty is rarely simple; and women are anything but simple.  Women’s brains process information differently than men’s.  God is not within our power to analyze or explain, neither is a woman.  God is meant to be enjoyed and appreciated just for being, so is a woman.  Our daughters desire to be a beauty that inspires time and understanding. 

Women learn in their teens to become artists at using their appearance to tell something about themselves without saying a word.  We become performers in the world so we will be chosen by those around us.  But God already sees our beauty.  Not only does He think we are beautiful (our mother thinks that too) but He sees our beauty.  When the world tells us we are beautiful (or not) we are unfulfilled because God did not create us so that the world could tell us we were beautiful, but so we would see ourselves as God does.  “You want to be beautiful to someone- anyone,” (The Divine Dance, 15).  When our daughters miss out on the beauty in themselves, they miss out on the beauty in God.  Talk about being made for more than this world!  Have you heard about the brilliance of heaven?  Jewels and gold.  God wants to show the world His beauty through our daughters, but first He has to remove the world’s tarnish and glitter from their eyes.

What Guys Think About Modesty - (Modesty Part II)

This video is a bit of a cheat on posting this week. Our family still has this flu bug. I thought it best not to subject you to my fever-induced writing. Enjoy the rest of your week and I will be back next week.

Sick day again.

I now see the wisdom in taking the time to write out a couple posts ahead of time.  Then when I have to take a sick day all I have to do is cut and paste.  Ok, off to take my temperature and hopefully a nap.

No Curriculum Needed

Teaching Wisdom isn’t about a curriculum so much as it is a goal in the back of your mind that influences what you say and do.  It requires exposure to several different disciplines: formal and informal Logic, an intentional look at what creates your Worldview, the facts and figures that make up Knowledge, and critical thinking skills for analysis and interpretation often referred to as Discernment.  I do think there is another aspect to Wisdom that isn’t one you can teach but perhaps you can cultivate it: Common Sense.  Sure, you could write a whole curriculum on each of these subjects but I don’t think you need to make it that complicated for yourself. 

School is Knowledge, Logic (hopefully), and some Worldview (for better or worse).  Discernment might be teachable in school while showing students how to do a critical analysis of a poem or interpreting the use of themes in literature.  Honestly, Discernment could just as well be learned through life experiences; asking questions to get your daughters thinking about why or how people behave the way they do.  We just need to challenge our daughters to see beyond the obvious.  Television has done us a disservice in this area.  We have become passive observers who don’t respond or think through what we see.  We can talk about the shows or movies with our daughters, especially when they start quoting an entire scene from a movie they have seen only once. 

Common Sense is one of those rare traits you get or you don’t.  If you know how to cultivate this trait, please let us know!  The best I could come up with was pointing out dangerous situations, friends, places, etc.  I would also say that teaching household chores/skills and basic financial skills, the things necessary for living a life without mom and dad, would also cultivate Common Sense. 

Mothering involves lots of conversations, discussions, and listening.  Perhaps this is why God made women such compassionate listeners and willing talkers?  This stereotype might be there for good reason.  It might also explain why all women are just a little bit ADD.  Our brains can cook dinner, soothe a toddler’s boo-boo, answer our daughters’ questions, and sort the mail.  Perhaps we aren’t doing all those things particularly well all at once, but it is necessary for us to have our attention splintered throughout our day.  This makes the task of communicating, teaching, and hearing our daughters daunting but realistic. 

Perhaps your daughters already display some natural talent in one of these areas.  Has anyone ever said that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders?  That sounds like Common Sense to me.  Have you noticed that your daughter is good at reading people, even if they are pretending?  I would call that Discernment.  A daughter that understands the importance of definitions (not to argue or negotiate with you, but how they effect understanding) or that seems to have the gift of Faith would seem to grasp the concepts of Worldview.  Do you have a daughter who loves algebra or could talk her siblings into just about anything?  I see Logic there.  Knowledge is probably the easiest to see; an accumulation of facts and figures.  However, I have often heard people describe someone strong in knowledge as having a tendency to be naïve when it comes to the other facets of Wisdom.  We need to recognize our daughters’ strengths while also encouraging them in areas they might still be weak in.

…and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts…     Exodus 31:3

Deal with your servant according to your love and teach me your decrees.  I am your servant; give me discernment that I may understand your statutes.     Psalm 119:124,125

Logic:  Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made.  He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden?”  Genesis 3:1

Worldview:  For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.     Hebrews 4:12,13

Twilight Tuesday 6 "Beauty"

Beauty is rampant throughout the Twilight series.  The vampires are beautiful.  Bella is beautiful.  The scenery is beautiful.  The average classmates are even pretty good-looking.  It isn’t the beauty that holds your attention though.  Bella is amazingly unaware of how distinctly feminine she is; this makes her even more attractive.  She is somewhat plain in looks with nice hair and eyes, hides in her clothing rather than showing off her figure, abhors a fuss being made over her, thoughtful of others, quick to forgive, and endearingly clumsy.  She gets a bit whiney, I’ll grant you that, but no one is perfect. 

Bella’s beauty almost seems to come from within more than from without.  She is a blank canvas for girls to paint themselves into the story.  Edward is drawn to her initially for her scent and the intrigue of not being able to read her mind.  Jacob is at first attracted to her looks but falls in love with healing her broken heart.  Bella is quiet, shy, and humble; qualities women know are attractive and wish we emulated more.  And it certainly is nice to have a heroine with no eating disorders, or obsessions with looks and fashion. 

But have you noticed how often young girls are angry at Bella?  Have you seen the forums where women of all ages talk about killing Bella in order to free Edward up?  Our daughters might connect with Bella’s plain-Jane beauty, but they are passionately unforgiving of her for it as well.  They ridicule her for an unrealistic denial of her own power.  Our daughters know that if the world was as aware of their beauty as Bella’s world obviously is of hers; they would see that and take joy in it, not hide from it.  They don’t just want to super-impose themselves onto Bella’s character.  It isn’t enough to simply replace her in the story.  Bella needs to be taken down a peg or two in the process.

Bella does not work at being beautiful.  She doesn’t pay for an expensive perfume that drives Edward crazy (quite literally), she just happens to smell that way naturally.  Bella’s physical beauty is effortless.  Her beauty also does not have much to do with sex appeal.  Gotta say…I love that aspect.  Bella’s attempts to be “sexy” are described in an almost comical fashion despite the fact they do appear to work as intended.

Bella could use her beauty as a source of power over others, like that popular human boy old-what’s-his-name.  She does not capitalize on her beauty and in fact seems to be embarrassed by it.  Bella’s beauty does put limits on her having female companions, but as a loner, Bella doesn’t seem to overly mind this. 

In all, Bella is a whiney, feminine, unaware, natural beauty.  Sounds like a stereo-typical teenage girl.

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father’s house.  The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.     Psalm 45: 10,11

Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor.  So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings.    Ezekiel 28:17 (emphasis mine)

Write the Next Bestselling Youth Fiction

I just finished reading The Hunger Games this week.  And I wanted to let you know that there is a formula to writing these bestselling novels aimed at youth.  Tell you what, I’ll share it with you and if you happen to get rich off it…make sure you donate a lot to charity.

Let’s use the following book series for examples:Harry Potter (HP), Percy Jackson (PJ), Twilight (T), and Hunger Games (HG).  There are three fairly distinct characters and a couple plot lines necessary for this formula.

First you need a main character that is attractive but not beautiful or jaw-droppingly handsome.  That character can’t know that they are attractive to others which results in humorous foot-in-mouth moments when they think someone is insulting them but they are really getting a compliment.  The biggest reason the character has to have less than stellar looks is that they have to invisible enough for the reader to put themselves in the main character’s place.  This main character is witty in their own mind but usually says the right thing out loud only by accident.  They require at least one exaggerated character flaw; Bella (T) is clumsy, Harry (HP) is socially unprepared to live in the wizard world, Percy (PJ) has dyslexia and ADHD, Katniss (HG) is socially clueless and distant.  The main character must have a tragic childhood that inadvertently prepares them to handle the present task, but at the same time they were “born to…” whatever it is that needs solved.  They must also be emotionally tough, prematurely mature, and a bit distant from the people around them.  No one understands what it is like to be them.  They are all unnaturally talented at something: Bella can block with her mind, Harry calls up great Patronus, Percy has a combination of brains and brawn, and Katniss excels at hunting (especially with a bow and arrow).  Lastly, these main characters seem to attract danger like a light attracts moths.

Next, you have the main character’s love interest.  I should say the main character’s main love interest because a love triangle is another necessary component.  This love interest is desired by others (usually because of looks and manners) but only has eyes for the main character: Edward (T) is handsome, rich, a gentleman, etc.; Ginny (HP) is beautiful and loyal;  Annabeth (PJ) is super smart and pretty; Peeta (HG) is strong, good-looking, and a gentleman (start to see the pattern?).  Of course your main character can’t believe it right off the bat.  It takes time for the main character to come around to the idea that they are desirable.  The love interest either trusts the main character or comes to learn that they should because the main character is right so often.  The male love interests are very protective of the main character and the female love interests are generally smart in addition to pretty.  The love interest also has to willingly sacrifice them self for the main character at least once in the story; not that they have to die, but they do go out of their way to put them self in danger to protect the main character.

The last of the three characters is the best friends forever (BFF) with a generous helping of quirky side-kick.  The BFF is funny out loud and extremely loyal to the main character; though they have to have one big fight where you despair that the main character has lost their best ally.  The BFF is not quite as talented as the main character and is therefore more of a shadow that helps out and tries not to get in the way.  Bella has Jacob (oh, love triangle twist).  Harry has Ron.  Percy has Grover.  Katniss has Gale, then Rue, then Peeta (another love triangle twist). 

Two main plot lines that must be present: you can’t trust adults and an environment that can’t or doesn’t exist today.  The only adults that can be trusted in the books are the ones who rely on the main character to save them (and the world) from the present situation: Carlise (T) is really old but not very authoritative, Professor Dumbledore (HP) bends all the rules for Harry, Chiron (PJ) defers to Percy, and Cinna (HG) is a traitor to his own government to help Katniss.  The parents are all dead or incapable of helping their children.

All the books expect Hunger Games, have a supernatural element to them; vampire, werewolves, wizard, trolls, Greek gods, and centaurs.  The Hunger Games does have extreme violence instead of magic to raise it out of the common ordinary every day environment.

Now you can go out and write the next youth novel that will be flying off the shelves!  Just don’t forget to donate to charity. ;)

Twilight Tuesday (on a Wednesday) 5

Thanks for giving me the extra day to post this week.  I am feeling much better and I am able to see today. :)

Adolescents will begin to realize that relationships are more complex than they had previously thought.  Perhaps they start to see that all the “popular” kids have some similarities; character traits or materials possessions.  Our daughters may not voice the words but a struggle to understand power begins before they become adults.  Who has power?  Why do they have it?  How can I get it?  As intuitively as this seems to happen, what most youth are missing is what power struggles have to do with why they are drawn to certain types of fiction. 

There are multiple layers of hierarchy in the world; power and respect are a result of these layers.  When we talk respectfully to or about our elders or bosses, we model to our daughters.  When we discipline our daughters in love over our concern for their character, rather than in anger to stop them from annoying us, we need to point out that we are obeying the hierarchy that God has set before us.  I know that it was a great break-through for my daughter and I when I showed her some carefully screened pages of my girlhood journal.  She was encouraged to see that I struggled with many of the same things that make her angry or frustrated.  I suppose she thought if I could turn out alright, she would do fine too.  When we allow our daughters to see our reconciliation with God or others, we demonstrate the importance of our submission to proper hierarchies. 

It does seem to be almost a teenage rite of passage to go through a stage where you are firmly convinced you are more mature and wise than your parents give you credit for; you are not an average teen and they are holding you back.  In general, I would agree with this assessment (read Do Hard Things to see what I mean) but unfortunately our culture is not set up to reward teens who do rise up to demonstrate true maturity.  Our daughters may not realize that they will be drawn to fiction that idealizes that which they can control, such as self-sufficiency, or that takes the control out of anyone’s hands, such as luck. 

This rebellion from “oppressive” authority easily mirrors the one we will continue to have with God the rest of our lives.  We will go through stages of questioning why prayers weren’t answered the way we thought they should go, why we are in a particular season in life we don’t like, or become impatient for God to answer (we’ve been praying for days/weeks now!).  Adults are not immune to rebellion and we often think we know better than God about when or what is to be done.  Have patience with your daughter and love her through her rebellion knowing that God is doing the same for you. 


 

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise you.     Psalm 71:5,6

Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.     Romans 13:7

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.     1 Peter 3:15,16

Taking a sick day

I am very sorry, but allergies are making my eyes very red and uncomfortable.  This makes staring at a computer screen a bit difficult so I will have to post tomorrow.  My apoligies for the delay.

Who Owns My Heart?

So why are adolescent girls so likely to quickly form deep emotional relationships that border on (if they don’t just plain cross over into) enmeshment?  I’m not a psychologist but I have a theory.  What are the first relationships that our daughters form?  They bond with their parents and if they have siblings, they also form a bond with their brothers and/or sisters.  My theory is that our daughters will pattern non-family relationships on what they have observed in their previous relationships, with their family members.  Girls tend to be interested in personal relationships, though each girl’s personality will make a difference.  Some daughters will be naturally shy, but when they do form connections they seem to follow this same jump into family-style relationships.

These bonds with immediate family are extremely transparent; we know what their worst moods look like, and we encourage them to share almost every thought or feeling with us.  I have talked to many moms who have experienced post-bed-time confessions where their young child comes down to confess something they did or didn’t do.  The guilt of hiding something from us drives them to climb out of bed and lay bare their soul to us before they can find the peace to sleep.  Oh, that we would treat our heavenly Father with such love and awe. 

Our daughters’ first relational bonds are also…time consuming.  We live together.  We eat together.  We sleep in the same house and often siblings share a room.  A school-age girl spends a great deal of her day with the same classmates.  Again, we see a pattern of spending the better part of a day with the people we have the closest relationships with.  I remember a time long, long ago when my middle child thought that when I used the pronoun “I” (as in, “I will go the store.”) it included her.  It was interesting to see the shift in her very young speech as she became her own person separate from mom.  Our daughters also observe that mom and dad (their introduction to male-female relationships) live together and spend a lot of time together.  Admittedly, in today’s culture busy evening activities or divorce might have lessened this to some extent.  It is only natural that when our daughters begin to forge relationships with boys they pattern after what they have observed.  I wish that I could say I spent as much time with God as I do with my husband and children.

Lastly, our daughters’ first relationships with family are centered on deep emotional bonds.  I would be willing to bet that most days our daughters will be better behaved with their friends’ moms then they will be with us.  Our daughters may not recognize it, but they feel safer making mistakes around us.  The safety of our love is their first taste of grace.  Sometimes our young daughters will question our love for them when we are angry at them.  Our reassurance of unconditional love creates that deep connection that sustains our daughters’ innate desire for relationship.  This parent/daughter bond is powerful even in cases where there is abuse or a distant parent involved.  Just ask any woman who did not have a good relationship with one or both of her parents how that has effected her current relationships.  Our daughters will be quick to shape their new relationships with girl or boy friends after this same model of deep love and trust.  Imagine if we could trust in God’s love for us as much as our daughters trust in our love for them.

None of my children have been very shy and that has certainly put us in some interesting situations.  I have heard my young daughters exclaim they had a new best friend after one hour of play at the park.  They are older now, but not really any less quick to give their hearts away to a new friend, boy or girl.  Have you ever had a discussion with your daughter about why they didn’t need to share [insert private family matter here] with the grocery store clerk?  These conversations start at a pretty young age, but they need to continue as our daughters are older.  We generally don’t sit around with our daughters and their peers at school or while they are just hanging out with a pal, so we might not hear how much they are sharing.  It pays to discuss with our daughters the difference between family relationships and friends, just like you would speak to them about not talking to strangers; especially in this age of technology when texting and IM’ing make new friends just a click away.

The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.    Proverbs 15:7

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.    Proverbs 16:23

He who fears the LORD, has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.    Proverbs 14:26

Twilight Tuesday 4

I wanted to switch from taking about the romantic aspects of Twilight to the use of power and respect.  You won’t find much romance in the popular youth fiction that is geared toward young men (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, etc).  You will, however, find these same themes of who has respect/power and how they use it. 

The heroine of the Twilight series is an amazingly self-sufficient young girl.  Bella is the parent in her relationship with both her mom and her dad.  She protects them from themselves as much as she does from her vampire friends.  She cooks and cleans for them and seems to never really need anything from her parents.  Bella has the emotional maturity to be self-sacrificing for her mother’s needs and her father’s physical safety.   In the family hierarchy, she is above their concerns.  Bella’s parents respect her maturity and rely on her more than they know. 

Getting into action and danger of the series, Bella is put in the predicament of having to protect her father or mother from marauding vampires on several different occasions.  Bella’s methods are to keep her family in the dark about what is going on by giving them half truths and in one case, brutally lying to her father in such a way as to intentionally cause him great pain.  Bella’s scheme to keep her father out of danger is to shield him from a truth he couldn’t handle (but she can) and lie to him.   She also tells him a lie that is meant to cause him enough hurt that he will not follow her.  This is a wonderful example of love and parent/child roles!  Ok, maybe not but compare this to Edward’s coven family, who is on the adventures, can empathize with her, and can protect her.    

Bella’s peers are either beguiled by her beauty, wisdom, and maturity or they envy it.  Adults in the series do not fare much better.  Bella is isolated physically and emotionally from her family and peers at the same time that she is drawn into an ideal family (complete with a cranky older sister). 

Another key theme of power in the series centers around the second book in which Bella is in such a depressed state she can’t even contemplate suicide because that would mean she was alive enough to think about ending her life.  I am frankly surprised, but encouraged, not to see “Edwardesque” rehabilitation and recovery centers opening up for teens who become walking zombies when their true love leaves them.  Bella’s depression is a heart-wrenching challenge to her dad and to Jacob, and her emotional state controls those around her. 

In short, the adults in this series hold no power while the youth in the story are in complete control.  I suppose you could argue that the hundred-year-old vampires are adults, but with their eternal youth and perpetual high school careers they get grouped with the younger crowd.  Respect is not earned; you are either born with it or bitten into it. 

Poetic Post

 I have been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp with a wonderful group of ladies and I am really enjoying it.  I love the prose style that she writes in, so as a tribute I thought I would show you what my writing style is like when I am not working so hard to be concise and coherent.

           

Some days it is easier to get held down in my failure, to give in to the incompetence, and chalk it all up as lost.  Failed.  Human.  Incapable of the task.  I forget that it isn’t about me and my ability.  I forget that I was not made to accomplish glory on my own.  So I lose myself in the long list of my short-comings and bemoan my poor children’s luck.  Back luck in genetics (they never had a chance with my genes).  I take the blame.  I swallow the lie and Satan reels me in.  Not good enough.  Not faithful enough.  Not enough.  It sits in my stomach and festers.  The lie of self; independence.

            But I am not self-sufficient.  I do not need to claim independence as my mantra.  I am dependent on God.  I was made incomplete.  I was made insufficient in patience, mercy, and knowledge.  I will not ever be wise enough on my own power.

            Strangely, the truth is harder to swallow than the lie.  I am tentative to taste it.  I even choke a bit as it slides down my throat; my body’s natural reaction of rejection.  But it soothes my stomach as it settles into me.  The truth is calming.  This is a center.  It gives me a new focal point for balancing my life.  Stop focusing on myself and focus on Him.  I am not the center.

            I am exactly as God made me to be.  I can not do this without Him.  The truth that I am not good enough is a release.  I can let go of guilt, luck, pity, insecurities, shame.  I can continue knowing that I will fall, but never fail.  Falling will only bring me to my knees.  I can risk giving because I know the truth.  My role is to partner with God; to ask, and listen, and receive.

            I can risk loving and trying because I know God is capable of anything, even using me to raise these wonderful children.

And a poem I wrote for my mom when my eldest was about a year old.

This is a whole new kind of love.

It is unlike any other type of love I have ever felt.

And how do I express this love to her?

How can I impress upon her young mind the depth and height of my love?

The words, as of yet, hold no tangible meaning to her

My gifts, my sacrifices she cannot yet appreciate.

Somehow, in the depths of her nature, she knows.

She desires my smiles, hangs on my words, and revels in my physical presence.

One day I will hold her close and whisper to her that I love her so much I would do anything for her.

And she will still not grasp the entirety of my love.

She will only understand when one day she holds her own child tightly in her arms.

Thank you Mom, I think I am beginning to understand.

Twilight Tuesday 3

I have been using the Twilight books as an example, but honestly, these same issues can relate to so many books out there.  Romance is not a topic exclusive to the Twilight series.  We have discussed how romance is portrayed in these books and have talked briefly about why God gave young girls that craving for romance; now what can we, as moms, do with that?  How does that effect our parenting?  What questions can we be asking to draw our daughters into the conversation?

            We can start by reading the same books, occasionally listening to the same music (heavy metal might be hard to take on a regular basis), and basically knowing what other forms of media your daughter is taking in.  I have a hard time keeping up with my eldest’s reading list but I do my best, and I rely on good review websites to help me out.  I really like the TeenLitReview blog and Focus on the Family has some decent reviews on books as well.  Screenit.com is wonderful for a detailed analysis of movies; scary scenes, smoking and drug use, swearing, jump scenes, etc.  The site is not Christian, but my husband and I use it before we go to movies now too. 

            Music gets a bit trickier for our family.  We love a wide variety of music and sometimes it is hard to find reviews of secular music that include the kind of information we would want to know before buying it.  I am stuck with listening to it online if I can find it and then we tend to buy songs individually instead of whole albums.  I would be happy to hear of any resources you have in this area.

            We have software on all our computers to block unwanted websites and it even blocks most ads that we would find inappropriate.  It helps that my husband is a computer guy so there is no way our kids could become proficient at hiding their internet history from us.   Let your kids know the standards you set for yourself, especially if they are the same you would set for them.  Because I have a website I get a fair amount of junk email that makes it through the spam filter.  My daughters know that when I am checking my email I don’t want them looking over my shoulder.  I don’t want to see some of the titles of the emails I get, so I definitely don’t want them to see it either.

            So now that we know what our daughters are consuming from the media, what do we do with that information?  Lock them away!  Ok, that won’t work.  I would suggest finding ways to talk about the books, music, whatever in a way that allows your daughter to share her thoughts and feeling with you.  If you don’t have a relationship with your daughter where you actually talk to each other, that might be a better place to start, but I am going to assume that we all have at least that much.  Your daughter doesn’t have to be an official teen to start these conversations.  The Disney Princesses will give you all the fodder, oops, material you need to discuss romance with a younger girl. 

            What kinds of questions?  I would suggest questions where your daughter can’t answer “yes” or “no.”  You will start to get some great insight into your daughter’s preferred love language that way.

• How is [insert character’s name here] being romanced?  How would you respond if you were being wooed this way?
• If you could put yourself in any relationship in the book, which one would you pick?  Why?
• Is there a beauty who tames the beast in this story?  If so, who is it and how do they tame the beast?  Is this possible in real life? (i.e. a person’s smell can not be realistically described as being addictive unless you are a vampire)
• (For a younger girl)  Do you think [character’s name] feels loved by [prince what’s his name]?  Would you feel loved if you were them?
• (For a younger girl) Which character would you like to be?  Why?

Knowing your daughter’s preferred love language would definitely be helpful.  Not only does it give you the opportunity to demonstrate positive expressions of love that she will be drawn to; but it will also help you to see how she is expressing her love to you.  Perhaps her way of showing love is to give gifts and she makes you all kinds of crafts that litter the house.  Heaven forbid you should ever throw one away!  You now realize you need a plan to accept her gifts in a way that doesn’t make her feel rejected but also keeps your house uncluttered.  Our love languages for giving and receiving can be very different.  It helps to know how to reach your daughter’s heart in order to direct it in paths of discernment.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 3:5

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 8:4

Where does Wisdom come from?

Oh dear, I apoligize for the lack of proof-reading today.  Allergies and busy life have slowed me down a bit. 

Where does wisdom come from?  I can teach knowledge to my daughters.  I can encourage discernment with discussions and opportunities.  Where can I get wisdom so that I can pass it on to my daughters? 

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction,” (Proverbs 1:7).

“…then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding,” (Proverbs 2:5,6).

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight,” (Proverbs 3:5,6).

“Fear the LORD and the king, my son, and do not join with rebellious officials…” (Proverbs 24:21)

I recently heard that “the Fear of the LORD” is mentioned twenty times in the book of Proverbs alone.  Repetition is a crucial part of learning something important.  The Bible makes it abundantly clear that wisdom comes from God.  I can not study enough to get it.  I can not absorb it by hanging around the right people.  I have to receive wisdom from God or it is simply my own understanding.  I can read the Bible, take a scripture reference, and apply it to a situation; however, that alone is not wisdom.  The Bible is misused all the time by those who hate it, who misunderstand it, or who seek to discredit it.  So simply reading the Bible will not make you wise anymore than going to church on Sundays makes you a Christian (I really prefer the term “believer”).  I studied all kinds of books in college.  I had to take them apart and interpret their subliminal messages.  As an English Major, I became pretty good at making a text say just about anything I wanted it to.  You don’t even want to know what one of my professors tried to convince a class about any mention of bells in Charles Dickens’s novels.  Wisdom doesn’t come from me.  Wisdom doesn’t come from reading the Bible.  Wisdom comes with the Fear of the LORD. 

What does it mean to fear the Lord?  I don’t think it means I should cower in a corner while I wait for God to smite me for my sins.  I don’t even think it means I should live in fear of fire and brimstone, because I have seen the difference it makes when my children obey me out of fear and when they obey out of respect.  Fear can make a person act a certain way, but respect includes a heartfelt trust that fear is lacking.  I believe that I should respect God for all His qualities; omniscience, omnipotence, and unconditional love for all.  If I show respect to God for these qualities then I will live with a humble affection for God’s will because I know He only wants what is best for me.  My respect, or Fear of the LORD, will be apparent in my integrity and in the choices I make. 

A pastor at our church recently did an excellent sermon on “The Healthiest Fear” if you would like to hear more on this topic. 

I can not expect to pass wisdom on to my daughters unless I can find it myself.  I can not find wisdom unless I recognize where it comes from.  The world would have us and our daughters believe that wisdom comes from many places, and that it is subjective to the individual.  We know better.  How have you lived your life this week in such a way as to model a Fear of the LORD?  Start with the smaller daily stuff; I bet there are more examples than you realize.  Were you mindful of God’s priorities when you: set your weekly schedule; planned out what to make for dinner; picked out new clothes for your daughters; did something outside your comfort zone that you knew God would be proud of?

“By wisdom the LORD laid the earth’s foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the watery depths were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew,” (Proverbs 3:19,20).

Twilight Tuesday 2

What is it about the Twilight series that is so intoxicating to girls and women alike?  God made woman, whether young or old, for his own purposes and with qualities to enable those purposes.  As I pointed out in Wooing Wisdom, romance creates a feeling of value in women.   Women, no matter what age, will equate pursuit of our time and attention with a feeling of safety.   Bella is pursued in a “loving” way by so many characters in the books that it would be impossible not to feel wanted, adored, and…safe.  God created us to be the moon to His sun; to reflect a need for relationship.  We need a relationship with God.  There is safety in that relationship.  We can name the craving (romance) but we forget the reason we have the craving in the first place (to lead us to God).

            There are also some great books out there on love languages and how we prefer to be told we are loved, but the fact that we are looking for that love is indisputable.  We know we should be sought after, but we might have forgotten that God was already putting great effort and time (thousands of years) into winning our hearts.  Do our daughters know that Jesus knew exactly what he was getting into when he went to Jerusalem?  ”As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem,” (Luke 9:51).  Jesus knowingly walked into a very painful death for them because he cared so much for their souls. 

            In a world of fast food and texting, God’s love and attention is not…as immediately satisfying.  With billboards, magazine covers, television ads, and internet gossip/news; romance is often confused with the flesh that is plastered all over.  To some of our daughters, romance might mean physical pleasure plus roses or jewelry.  It is a tragedy that we are inundated with images and music so whitewashed with sex and bling that we forget true love and romance.  It is so easy to pick up a bad habit but so hard to break one. 

            God loves our daughters.  He is the Lover of their souls.  God romances them by giving them his time and undivided attention.  I only have three children and this is impossible for me, but God does this for all of us every second of every day. God romances our daughters by giving them gifts; spiritual gifts, talents, ideas, sunsets, hot coco and a good book on a cold rainy day…the list goes on.  If this is a concept new to you, mom, that is okay.  Let your daughter see your delight as you discover all the ways that God is courting you. 

The gift of wisdom, or discernment, in romance is truly the gift that keeps on giving for the rest of our daughters’ lives.    The simple understanding that as women, young or old, we are typically drawn to fiction where characters share deep emotional relationships is a huge deal.  If our daughters can see that craving in themselves and understand why God put it there, perhaps it will make it easier for them to find healthy relationship with people who respect them for all the right reasons.

There are so many scripture passages that remind us to stay away from and even to flee from those people and things that would blind us to the truth of God’s desire to be a part of our lives.  It might not occur to your daughter that just because her boyfriend says he is a Christian that he would be up to the task of romancing her in the way that God intended.  There is a difference in being a Christian and acting like a Christian.  Do our daughters know the difference?

God is relational in nature and women are a reflection of this.  Look at the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10; God desires us to be in relationship with Him, not rushing around doing things in His name.  Men are just not quite the role model here.  God had Jesus interacting with women to demonstrate this principle of strong connection because women were made to reflect this aspect of God.  Your daughters will likely be drawn to fiction that shows strong emotional bonds, whether those are healthy relationships or not. 

As I said, I want my daughters to be exposed to this type of fiction at some point so that we can talk about whether the emotional connections in the stories are healthy or not.  I want them to experience plenty of healthy emotional connections now but at a certain point I want to give them room to experience setting boundaries against unhealthy relationships too.  Assuming we all do our best to expose our daughters to and to model healthy Godly relationships; how can we let our daughters practice setting boundaries with potentially unhealthy relationships?  The answer can be tricky.  How can we do this without putting them in harm’s way?  I don’t believe that dating is the only way for girls to experience this.  What do you think? 

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.      Romans 13:14

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an ever-lasting love; I have drawn you with loving –kindness.”     Jeremiah 31:3

“Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.  I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”     Ezekiel 16:8 (grab your Bible and read down through verse 19 for how God romanced His people.)

Fictional Wisdom

Popular youth fiction plays a role in the daily drama of our daughters’ lives as a place that they are drawn to over and over because living in the world of the story satisfies cravings deep within them.  Their hunger for the real thing, a Biblical view of the world and themselves, can not be satisfied by pop culture.  Adolescent girls’ developing sense of healthy skepticism will make it hard to simply throw the reasons for this gnawing hunger in their face.  Instead we can arm our daughters with the tools to discern and make good judgments.  You can lead a horse to water…you know the saying. 

            My objective here is not to give you tools to try to change your daughters’ behavior.  I am hopeful that this text instead gives you insight into how to show your daughters God’s unconditional love.  If we must measure something, we should measure how well we love our daughters, not how well our daughters behave; because they are individuals in their own right and will make decisions that we were desperately hoping they would not.  At least, I will try not to judge you simply by the choices your daughters make if you won’t judge me that way either.

I am a big fan of fiction, especially the fantasy genre.  I loved Lord of the Rings as a young girl.  I still love reading many of today’s best sellers (and even a romance or two, shhh!).   I say this so you will understand that I am not advocating that you never allow your daughters to read the latest best-sellers.  For some families that may be what God is calling you to do, even for a short time; but this is not the case for many families that I know.  “Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything,” (1 Cor. 6:12). None of us want to have our daughters leave our home unprepared for the world around them.  Even if you do not consider letting your daughters read many of the books popular in youth fiction while they are a tween or young teen, you might want to consider having them read at least some of the “popular” books with you while they are still under your guidance at home.   It is hard to know when is the right time to switch from sheltering our daughters from the world in a healthy God-fearing way to preparing them for the world by exposing them to it in a guiding God-fearing way.  You are the expert on your daughters and I will differ to your judgment on timing such things.

This blog intends to make your job of teaching your daughters discernment a little easier in order to reach her heart when the world is so desperately trying to convince her otherwise.  Hearts are important. If you can move a person’s heart you can influence their actions.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life, (Proverbs 4:23).”

Twilight Tuesdays

What does the Twilight series have to do with teaching my daughters wisdom?  My daughters have not read this series yet, but I do intend to have them read it or another series like it before they leave the guidance of my home.  I decided to read the series because I was intrigued with how girls and women of any age became addicted to the books.  I met several women who were well into their 40’s who loved the books as much as women in their 20’s and 30’s; not to mention the teen audience the series collected.   What was the big deal?

As I read the books, I could feel myself falling into the same cravings.  So I did what any former English major would do, I analyzed them.  What I would like to start sharing here, on Tuesdays, is my analysis of why we are drawn to the books, what God intended to satisfy these cravings, and how these relate to your daughters.   As the romance of Twilight is often the most common reason given for female interest in the stories, it is a logical place to start.  After all, this series helped kick off the Barnes & Noble section “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

In the Twilight series, Bella is an ordinary girl, with brown hair and a tendency to bump into things and fall (can you say “teenage growth spurt”?).  Bella is a blank slate for the reader to paint their own reflection on. Of course, young girls want to be Bella!  You can be desirable in all these ordinary ways and find out that you aren’t so ordinary after all.  Bella was born to be an eternally beautiful, filthy rich, globe trotting vampire with a husband who is just as obsessed with her as she is with him. 

Bella is romanced by two characters in this series; Edward, the vampire without a bite, and Jacob, the werewolf with quite a bark.  You can’t get much more romantic than a love triangle.  While Edward’s style is more love ‘em and leave ‘em, then come back and stalk ‘em; Jacob’s style is to make Bella feel guilty until she does or says just about anything to make things up to him.  One smothers and the other lights the fire. 

In real life, Bella would have gotten a restraining order against Edward.  He sneaks into her room and watches her sleep.  He spies on her friend’s thoughts, since he can’t read Bella’s mind, in order to find out what she thinks of him.  He wants to buy her expensive cars and pay for her college.  He literally bristles when other boys even think about Bella.  In order to be with Edward, Bella must leave not only her friends but also her family behind, probably never to see them again.  But he is just so sweet when he does it all!  Edward is a Renaissance man; he cooks, he writes beautiful lullabies, he’s concerned with the state of Bella’s soul, he even insists on opening doors and picking up the tab.  All this and he’s been keeping himself for marriage for over a hundred years now.  I’d forgive a little bit of stalking for that.

Jacob never takes no for an answer.  He will fight each battle even when he knows he has already lost the war.  Jacob also offers safety and protection (did I mention Bella falls down a lot?).  He is a “safer” choice because Bella’s father likes him and Bella could stay human if she chooses him, but he is still the volatile biker bad-boy with a heart of gold.  Bella tames the wild beast in Jacob, as much as she melts the heart of Edward.  That is power.

Then there are the boys who don’t even make the headlines who are falling over themselves for a chance at Bella’s heart, including the most popular boy in her class.  Bella plays it cool, never encouraging them, and even gets to have a giggle at the popular boy’s expense when he gets sick in front of her and Jacob.  Tell me you can’t find a girl who wouldn’t love to be the object of so much attention and effort! 

The obsession with Twilight is less about the mythical characters and romantic setting than it is about the safety and comfort that women find in a world like the one found in the books.  Women become addicted to these stories when we crave the feelings and emotions they evoke in us, but then we put the books down and feel the lack of all these same things in our own lives.   It becomes a numbing-agent to live vicariously in a world that is anything but ordinary.  We disappear into the world of fiction in an attempt to fill the void in our soul. 

There will always be room for good stories and romance novels are not the embodiment of evil.  The trick is to fill your own life with meaning and purpose instead of looking for a temporary fix from fiction.  Next Tuesday I would like to look at why God gave women a need for the romance portrayed in this series. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.    Galatians 1:10

So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.    Genesis 29:20

(Other topics in Twilight that we will look at in the coming weeks: beauty, family structures, respect/power relationships, and having a grand purpose or destiny.)