Educating the Teacher

I have yet to find a more reliable tool for teaching my daughters then modeling the behavior and thought patterns I think are wise.  I wish “Do as I say, not as I do,” worked as well, but I imagine this is God’s way of making sure there is a beneficial change not only in my daughters but in me as well.  (Yes, I did sigh at the end of that sentence.)  It isn’t fun to look at your own short-comings.  If I hadn’t recently been advised NOT to include music on my blog I totally would have added “Man in the Mirror” to this post.  

           

            I thought it would be a great idea to share the books that have changed us and made us better women, wives, moms, and daughters of God.  So in no particular order this is my list of must-reads.

• Captivating by Staci and Todd Eldridge:  This book validated so many of my more feminine traits that I knew were there for a reason, and gave me the reason God gave them to me.  What better way to know and serve God than to use the very tools he created me with?
• Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris:  My oldest and I are reading this book together (actually, she just finished and I am lagging behind a couple chapters).  This book was written by teens for teens; to tell them there is no such thing as teens…and it is awesome.  Do not settle for low expectations in “teens”, and don’t let your “teen” settle for them either.  A very practical and inspiring read for both my daughter and me.
• The Divine Dance by Shannon Kubiak:  She gets me.  This is my other choice for understanding how and why women tick and why God made us that way.  How can I possibly model to my daughters what it means to be a healthy semi-well-adjusted woman until I can get there myself?  I read this book every 3-5 years and it gets better every time.
• The Fallacy Detective by Nathaniel and Hans Bluedorn: A book that makes the study of Logic reasonable even for someone who has never studied it.  The subtitle says it all, “Thirty-Eight Lessons on How to Recognize Bad Reasoning.”  I need those lessons and so do my daughters if we are to be in this world but not of it.
• The Bible by God:  This should be an easy explanation; after all, this post is about Godly wisdom.  However, if you haven’t read the Bible much yet it can be hard to pick it up and start seeing the application of thousand year old wisdom.  The Bible isn’t an easy read.  God didn’t dictate His book to the prophets in picture book format.  What can help make it more easily digested?  Prayer will certainly help!  Finding a good church with lots of people to love on you and mentor you would be great too. 

I went into the blog’s settings and made some changes.  Anyone can leave a comment now so you don’t have to be a registered user.  What books have changed you for the better?  I only have four books I am currently trying to work my way through.  I need a few more suggestions.

Wooing Wisdom

In the wake of Valentine’s Day I thought it might be appropriate to discuss how romance plays into our daughter’s wisdom.  Romance makes women feel valued.  It’s as simple as that.  When women feel valued, we feel safe. Our daughter wants to be romanced.  Don’t you?  As children or as adults we might have had some negative experiences that jaded us or made us distrustful of being sought after by men.  But in the core of our being, God made us to long for a relationship where we feel loved.  This fulfillment begins at home in our relationships with our daughter and then goes on to include her friendships with those outside of her immediate family.   Eventually, our daughter will include more intimate relationships with boys as part of that fulfillment.

Please step outside of the pop culture sexualized notion of romance and look at the heart of your daughter’s need.  Your daughter needs to have someone believe in her unique value so strongly that they would pursue her time and attention.  An eventual interest in boys is merely your daughter’s natural progression of her search for value and security.  But as parents, we can either create a pattern to seek out our daughter, or we put our daughter into the pattern of having to seek after us.  There is a balance that needs to be struck there; I am sure none of us want to raise a spoiled brat that thinks everyone should be pursuing her while she just laps it up.  But we will set our daughter up for an equally unhealthy relationship if she is always seeking our approval, time, and understanding.  

When parents model a healthy relationship (a balance of pursuing her heart without spoiling her) we are subtly offering her wisdom.  She will learn from this experience without even being aware there was a lesson.  She becomes wise when she can see the difference between the healthy image she has been brought up in and the unhealthy Hollywood image portrayed in movies, books, and music.  She is wise if she sees the benefits of the relationship modeled by her parents contrasted by the negatives of quick enmeshment offered in co-dependent relationships (a staple in “teen” romance).  How we romance our daughter now will influence her future relationships with God, friends, boys, and even us. 

Are you pursuing your daughter’s heart?  What would your daughter say if someone asked her that question?  Does she feel pursued?  It might take some time and effort just to figure out your daughter’s love language, but it will be worth it.  Once you figure out how to reach her heart it will be easier to naturally take opportunities as they come up.  Once your daughter has had a taste of the real thing it will be easier for her to discern when someone in her life seems good, but truly isn’t good. 

My son, if sinful men entice you, do not give in to them.    Proverbs 1:10

The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death.           Proverbs 13:14

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.     Proverbs 13:20

A Measure of Wisdom

I am a teacher.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  I home school my three children.  I tutor for a local home school group, mostly ten year olds with their moms also in the class.  I have taught a “Coming of Age” class for young girls (ages 8-14) and their moms.  I am also a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator who teaches childbirth courses, baby care classes, and breastfeeding courses to mostly adults and some teens.  I have also trained women to become Labor Doulas as an approved instructor for a national certification organization.  I point all this out to prove to you that I have had to draw up a lesson plan or two in my day.  I can’t just walk into a room unprepared to teach; it isn’t pretty.

What does it take to come up with a lesson plan?  I usually start with my goals or the measurable objectives that my students should get from my class.  Our goal here is to teach our daughters wisdom.  Is wisdom measurable?  What is the check list that my daughters must complete to show they are wise? 

A similar question came up at a dinner party my husband and I attended around Christmas.  We were all asked, “What coming-of-age rituals or activities could your child complete for you to recognize them as an adult?”  We broke into smaller groups and discussed this question and then pooled our responses (a post for another time, “What makes a child an adult?”).  The responses had a range of survival techniques, daily household skills, academic skill levels, and different ways to show honor and integrity.  Many of the items listed came back to an adolescent with wisdom. 

If wisdom is the ability to discern the right response or action in a given situation, how can I test each daughter to see if she has learned the lessons?

• Can she explain in her own words the difference between being smart and being wise?
• Does she work to understand what people mean rather than be content with her own understanding?
• Does she see how and when to apply certain rules and when leniency is called for?
• Can she recognize when something sounds like the truth but it isn’t?  Does she know how to fact check if she is unsure, and is she willing to put in the effort to do so?
• Does she know how to ask for advice?  Is she gracious in hearing it unsolicited?
• Does she know wisdom from others when she hears it?
• Is she comfortable saying, “I don’t know,” and then going to look for the answer?
• Does she understand where wisdom comes from?  Does she believe if she is wise it comes from her own effort?

Before we get into a discussion on Absolute Truths or fallacies in Logic, I am curious what you would consider the measurable outcomes of wisdom in your daughters’ lives?  At what age do you think you should expect any of this?  I would love to hear your comments.

Even a child is known by [her] actions, by whether [her] conduct is pure and right.   Proverbs 20:11

Protect and Prepare

Raising children is a strange mix of heart wrenching guilt because you feel you haven’t done enough and a heady exhaustion from the incredible amout of time and energy that you have already put into your children.  Parenting is a study of contradictions and fine lines.  As a mom I need to protect my daughter from raw unfiltered corruption in life until at some magical age (which is…?) I gradually expose her to filtered bits and pieces in such a way as to prepare her to deal with the raw unfiltered fullness she will encounter once she heads out into the “real world.”   I know I am not alone in sometimes, ahem, frequently feeling overwhelmed by the task.

We moms are continually working on multiple character traits in our children all at the same time.  We want to work on building their self-confidence so once they have wisdom they have the confidence to use it.  We want to work on their walk with God so when they are ready to establish their independence from us they transition to a dependence on God instead of getting lost in a worldly sense of independence from all but self.

I realized that I was working on so many character traits and daily little battles with my daughters that I was getting lost in the task and becoming that kind of mom that scares their daughters' friends away.  So to simplify my life and theirs right now, I think that I will be focusing on wisdom primarily.  If I can focus on equipping them to make good choices, discern what is truly good advice, to appreciate correction, and to recognize fools; that will carry over into honesty, integrity, work ethic, compassion, and so many other areas. 

I do not plan to let my daughters read whatever book they think looks interesting, nor can they listen to any music they choose.  I am selective about what topics I discuss with my daughters and am selective in the places and people I expose them to as a result of this.  However, I do plan to slowly and surely allow them to see the world around them in its gritty visceral beauty.  God created this earth.  God created the people in it.  I want my daughters to love all of God’s creation.  I also want them to see it clearly.  They do not have to condone or conform to the world. 

To accomplish this heady goal I will be their guide as I eventually show them books I would be happy if they never read and discuss topics that will make them cry or shiver with confusion.  I will give them the space, freedom, and counter arguments to question my beliefs, knowing that they might choose to one day reject them, so they can hopefully own those beliefs themselves instead of living on my borrowed faith with none of their own.  But before I do any of those things, I will make sure they are wise.  If I expose them too soon or before they have the tools of discernment, it will avail them nothing.

We walk a fine line of protecting our children until they are ready to be prepared.  I have been protecting my daughters, but I am ready now to plan out how I will prepare them.  Are you?  I would love to hear what your plan is.

Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, ¹⁴ for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. ¹⁵ She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.  Proverbs 3:13-15

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6

Wisdom's vitality

Wisdom is expensive.  It costs you something to become wise; perhaps a comfort or something you were use to having or doing.  Yet how often do we get on our knees and pray “Lord, give me your wisdom,” not really understanding that cost?  I am sure I could stuff myself full of knowledge.  I could fill my children's heads with facts and figures.  I can ensure that they have a lexicon of scripture from which to draw.  None of these things alone will bring wisdom. 

What is Wisdom?  Why is it so vital that my daughter has it?

Wisdom is the ability to discern, use good judgment, be perceptive, be insightful, truly understand, see the big picture, see through to the heart of the matter, sift through the lies, use logic, and think objectively.

Without wisdom our daughters would:

• believe any telemarketer or commercial
• fall prey to worldly predators (and teenage boys too!)
• lose themselves in the Hollywood dream of what romance looks like
• be labeled naive and gullible
• basically get crushed by the world

I imagine you have already had opportunity to discuss with your daughter that, "No, the toy doesn't really do that when you get it home.  They just make it look that way in the commercial so you will want to buy it."  But have you had the conversation that starts out, "I would love to know what you think of [insert latest best-marketed book here]," and been prepared with some revealing questions you could ask when your daughter mumbles, "I dunno,"? 

Wisdom is necessary for daily life, not just for shopping and figuring out boys.  Wisdom is the choices you make about the little daily stuff when no one is looking.  But wisdom doesn't just happen.  The thing is, you have to go looking for wisdom and it's a life-long journey.  Becoming wise can't be an afterthought. 

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.   Proverbs 4:23

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.    James 1:5

...for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; ³ for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair; ⁴ for giving prudence to those who are simple, knowledge and discretion to the young— ⁵ let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance— ⁶ for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.    Proverbs 1:2-6

What's with the name?

Solomon's daughter.
How Solomon's daughter found her husband.
by Ilil Arbel, Ph.D.

King Solomon's favorite daughter was of mysterious origin. She had no mother in the court, and some say she was the daughter of the Queen of Sheba, left to Solomon care, while the queen took her twin brother to be her heir in Sheba. The princess was extraordinarily beautiful, clever and sweet, and Solomon planned a bright future for her, probably as the consort of a king of an allied country.

Solomon read the stars each night, and much of the future revealed itself to him clearly. To his dismay, the stars told him that his beloved princess would marry a poverty-stricken young man. The circumstances were not made clear, and in his desperation to change fate he decided to hide the princess in a faraway retreat. He explained the circumstances to the princess, and she trusted her father and consented to follow his plan.

    

    

     This Midrashic legend goes on to explain how Solomon attempted, and failed, to prevent his daughter's union with this poverty-stricken young man.  He tried to protect her from the world, and God's plan, by pulling a Rapunzel act...minus the long hair, witches, or Flynn Ryder.  Needless to say, Solomon's plan didn't work and God's plan came to pass though Solomon did have the good grace to admit he was wrong and blessed his daughter's new marriage.

     When my eldest daughter suggested the name "Solomon's Daughters" for my new blog I was very intrigued but not sure if others had already used the idea.  So I did what any woman these days does, I Google'd it.  (I also Bing'd it but I am not sure that Bing has merited its own verb yet.)  This Jewish legend is what I found.  While I may not be Jewish I thought the comparison between my goal for this blog and the story was wonderful.  My greatest hope is that this blog will give more moms the tools to talk with their daughters about how faith in Christ is very much a part of their daily walk.  I hope that we are able to discuss and develop a plan together on how to give our daughters the tools they need to discern what seems good in the world and what is good.

     I think we need to be purposeful in reaching our daughters' hearts.  The world would love to have them believe that parents just don't understand them.  The world is fighting to influence our daughters and silence us.  If we don't have a goal in mind the world will be happy to supply its own.  I know better than to think that I get it right most of the time with my own daughters, but I have come to a point where I am comfortable discussing my mistakes just as much as my successes.  I didn't set out on this path with the goal of getting noticed, starting a blog, or anything that puts me out there for the world to critique.  But this is the path that God is calling me to and here I am.

     I have been influenced by many great writers in my journey as a mom.  I plan to talk about some of those books that I think are relevant to our topic. I really don't feel comfortable with "church speak" and try to avoid what I see as clichés that have lost their meaning to anyone who wasn't raised in the church.  Well, I at least cringe on the few occasions that I can't avoid them.   I also plan to outline better how we will address this topic of teaching wisdom to our daughters.  I wish we could all just sit around and have a big discussion on this, but I will have to settle for a virtual version instead.

     I hope you feel comfortable leaving comments and asking questions.  Enjoy the ride. :)