Antithesis

Ideas clash.  Ideas about how to raise children clash passionately.  Just watch one mom try to explain to another why she needs to get an epidural, birth naturally, stay at home, go back to work, private school, public school, etc.  The only topic I know more volatile than raising children is religion, and if you combine the two…look out.  Life is all about the clash of ideas.  It will surround our daughters in all they do.  Our daughters need to know:

1. How to hear an idea without agreeing with it.
2. How to respect another person, and value them, without agreeing with them.
3. How to speak their own ideas clearly with love and respect, but firm conviction.
4. How to evaluate another idea based on sound logic and a biblical worldview.

In short, we need to socialize our children.  Whether your daughters attend public, private, or you home-school; we need to influence our daughters more than anyone else.  This can be difficult at a time when they are testing the waters of independence. 

One way to socialize our daughters is to think about what other adults in our daughters’ lives we can point them to?  Who can we give them permission to look to as role models?  One of the nice benefits here is that they will hear the same advice that they mistook for misguided nagging when it came from us.  My daughters want to see the world outside of our home and that is a good thing.  I want them to still have sound guidance in situations when I am not there.  The answer is to get them involved in some activities where there are other adults you know and trust.  Our girls are part of a wonderful FLL team where I know the other moms and dads are upholding the same standards and morals that we hold to at home.  I know the other parents involved and I trust their influence over my children.  I welcome it, in fact.

Another way to influence our children and show them how ideas clash (antithesis) is through reading books with them.  I just recently heard a great speaker, Leigh Bortins, say, “Books introduce antithesis safely because kids will see it first hand soon enough.”  If I read the Hunger Games books with my daughters and talk about it with them, I can walk them through the four points given up above.  I can talk them through difficult ideas presented in the story as a way to give them positive guidelines for real life situations.  The conversations can be fun Saturday morning breakfasts out or silly giggly girly manicures at home.  The same can be done with movies if you make frequent use of the pause button.  The key is to talk to our daughters, ask them questions, and give them our thoughts on the matter. 

Listen, my [daughter], to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.  They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.      Proverbs 1:8-9

My [daughter], if you accept my words and store up my commands within you…    Proverbs 2:1

My [daughter], do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.     Proverbs 3:1-2

Listen, my [daughters], to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a [daughter] to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother.                  Proverbs 4:1-3

My [daughter], pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.                      Proverbs 5:1-2

And so on…J

Twilight Tuesday 3

I have been using the Twilight books as an example, but honestly, these same issues can relate to so many books out there.  Romance is not a topic exclusive to the Twilight series.  We have discussed how romance is portrayed in these books and have talked briefly about why God gave young girls that craving for romance; now what can we, as moms, do with that?  How does that effect our parenting?  What questions can we be asking to draw our daughters into the conversation?

            We can start by reading the same books, occasionally listening to the same music (heavy metal might be hard to take on a regular basis), and basically knowing what other forms of media your daughter is taking in.  I have a hard time keeping up with my eldest’s reading list but I do my best, and I rely on good review websites to help me out.  I really like the TeenLitReview blog and Focus on the Family has some decent reviews on books as well.  Screenit.com is wonderful for a detailed analysis of movies; scary scenes, smoking and drug use, swearing, jump scenes, etc.  The site is not Christian, but my husband and I use it before we go to movies now too. 

            Music gets a bit trickier for our family.  We love a wide variety of music and sometimes it is hard to find reviews of secular music that include the kind of information we would want to know before buying it.  I am stuck with listening to it online if I can find it and then we tend to buy songs individually instead of whole albums.  I would be happy to hear of any resources you have in this area.

            We have software on all our computers to block unwanted websites and it even blocks most ads that we would find inappropriate.  It helps that my husband is a computer guy so there is no way our kids could become proficient at hiding their internet history from us.   Let your kids know the standards you set for yourself, especially if they are the same you would set for them.  Because I have a website I get a fair amount of junk email that makes it through the spam filter.  My daughters know that when I am checking my email I don’t want them looking over my shoulder.  I don’t want to see some of the titles of the emails I get, so I definitely don’t want them to see it either.

            So now that we know what our daughters are consuming from the media, what do we do with that information?  Lock them away!  Ok, that won’t work.  I would suggest finding ways to talk about the books, music, whatever in a way that allows your daughter to share her thoughts and feeling with you.  If you don’t have a relationship with your daughter where you actually talk to each other, that might be a better place to start, but I am going to assume that we all have at least that much.  Your daughter doesn’t have to be an official teen to start these conversations.  The Disney Princesses will give you all the fodder, oops, material you need to discuss romance with a younger girl. 

            What kinds of questions?  I would suggest questions where your daughter can’t answer “yes” or “no.”  You will start to get some great insight into your daughter’s preferred love language that way.

• How is [insert character’s name here] being romanced?  How would you respond if you were being wooed this way?
• If you could put yourself in any relationship in the book, which one would you pick?  Why?
• Is there a beauty who tames the beast in this story?  If so, who is it and how do they tame the beast?  Is this possible in real life? (i.e. a person’s smell can not be realistically described as being addictive unless you are a vampire)
• (For a younger girl)  Do you think [character’s name] feels loved by [prince what’s his name]?  Would you feel loved if you were them?
• (For a younger girl) Which character would you like to be?  Why?

Knowing your daughter’s preferred love language would definitely be helpful.  Not only does it give you the opportunity to demonstrate positive expressions of love that she will be drawn to; but it will also help you to see how she is expressing her love to you.  Perhaps her way of showing love is to give gifts and she makes you all kinds of crafts that litter the house.  Heaven forbid you should ever throw one away!  You now realize you need a plan to accept her gifts in a way that doesn’t make her feel rejected but also keeps your house uncluttered.  Our love languages for giving and receiving can be very different.  It helps to know how to reach your daughter’s heart in order to direct it in paths of discernment.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 3:5

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 8:4