Sophia Wisdom

God the Father, Jesus the Bridegroom, and Holy Spirit the… role model for mothers? 

The Holy Spirit is described in the Bible as an Advocate, comforter in suffering, encourager, witness, teacher, and God’s gift to believers.  The Holy Spirit is closely associated with words, both written and spoken.  The Holy Spirit is among us and in us.  We are a temple filled with the Holy Spirit if we obey God.  You can speak against many things, but it is not forgiven if you speak against the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:10, Matt. 12:32, Mark 3:29, Acts 5:3).  Though the Holy Spirit is often used when talking about baptism, it would seem that it is also present when people hear the gospel and believe (Acts 10:44, 11:15) or when men of faith pray over believers (Acts 8: 15-17, 8:19, 19:6). 

How does any of that equate to being a role model for moms?  Sure we could go the way of the High School English paper and say something poetic about birth and water being feminine attributes.  I would like to shy away from that though because as cool as that might sound it really doesn’t help us in our daily struggle to parent. 

God has the sometimes annoying habit of being perfect.  He doesn’t say anything He doesn’t mean and He doesn’t mince words.  God gives us a clear picture of Himself as triune.  He is the Father and the bridge-groom, that much is not really up for debate.  But what to do with the Holy Spirit?  The Holy Spirit has several very feminine qualities.  “She” likes to: talk, listen, comfort, fill us with love, and bring hope.  The Holy Spirit is a nurturer who excels in interpreting the prayers we can only groan b/c we can’t find the words ourselves.  Every time the Bible says the Spirit testifies I have this image of a strong southern woman belting out, “Preach it honey, cause you know I saw it,” with her hand raised up in the air. 

There are a number of lessons we can learn from this Advocate.  I want to look at one of those today.  The Holy Spirit comes as a gift from God.  Those who are “filled with the spirit” are directly plugged in (as much as a human can be) to the Truth and Love of God.  Those are some mighty big shoes to fill.  As mothers we are the nurturers; relationships are important to us.  Connections matter and we cultivate them.  We want our daughters to get along with their siblings, their father, and especially with us.  We also need to nurture our daughters’ relationships with God, her Father in Heaven, and Jesus, her future groom.  Do we fill our daughters with a sense of dread in their obligations to religious rules and doctrine?  Or do we help “the God of hope fill [our daughters] with all joy and peace as [they] trust in him, so that [they] may overflow with hope by the power of the [our example and teaching].”

At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.      Luke 10:21

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.      Romans 5:5

Blood and Guts

            “Just the facts, ma’am.”  What do our daughters need to hear from us about their menstrual cycle?  Simple facts of chemistry and biology, yes.  Well, what does the world tell our daughters about their maturing body?  If you simply Google you will find lots of cold hard fact mixed with all the “what-if’s,” pain relief options, and possible complications.  You won’t find anything that ties a woman’s femininity to her cycle.  Only women get periods yet there is this glaring omission in the information that is presented. 

One of the key reasons for this omission is that God is left out of the discussion.  God created our bodies and He created this process.  He didn’t create the menstrual cycle to frustrate us or hinder us (from swimming, wearing white pants, etc.).  God created this intricate process as a fundamental part of what makes us different from men; our femininity.  Women, not men, have babies.  God created our menstrual cycle for a purpose, to conceive and bear children.  “Be fruitful and multiply..” 

This is a blessing!  We get to take part with God in creating new life.  Even Christ had an earthly mother.  Our menstrual cycles are not a curse we are forced to endure.  You don’t have to have a lengthily discussion on the birds-and-bees to share with your daughter the blessings that her womb was designed for.  One of the things I really liked about the MbHD curriculum was the video that talked about how detailed God was in creating the process of conception that goes on within just the woman’s body. 

Our daughters need to hear from us that blood is not gross.  Ok, that one might take some work for some of us.  Try looking up all references to blood in the Bible.  Blood is cleansing.  We were bought out of slavery by the blood of Christ.  Blood is life. How do you react to blood around your daughter?  Fearful and squeamish over gushing head wounds?  Yea, me too.  But when it comes to the slow and gentle welling of blood in a deep scrap it might help if we take the time to explain that blood is cleaning the wound and delivering all kinds of good stuff to the troubled area.  We have been conditioned to see blood as gross and a sign of danger.  Our daughters will not learn any different if we do not lead the way.

One of the topics that all the moms in my class commented on was how often options they had never thought of before were discussed; like cloth pads, Keepers, Cups, and sponges.  We discussed the roles of proper nutrition and simple herbs like red raspberry leaf tea.  We also discussed charting.  Everyone, mom and daughter, walked out of class knowing how to chart their cycle.  This might seem like something only those trying to conceive might be interested in, but there is more value to it then just that.  There are some very handy apps these days for charting and predicting when your next period will start, but they are computer programs that are capable of error just like humans.  If you have a good understanding of the phases of your cycle and can chart them out, you can plan not just for when your period will start but also when to consume more iron, water, or that tea we talked about.  I admit, I like tea.

Next week: The Fear-Curse-Victim approach

When does Aunt Flo visit?

Menstrual cycle, there I said it.  Period.  Aunt Flo.  “That time of the month.”  The Curse.  How, when, and where do you discuss this with your darling little girl?  If you wait too long she could hear about it from friends or worse yet, start her menstrual cycle and think something is seriously wrong.  But you don’t want to jump the gun and give her the information so soon that she can’t really understand it or appreciate what you are sharing with her. 

The average age for a young lady to begin her period has been decreasing over time; it seems to be anywhere between 11-14 at this point.  Body mass and heredity can both effect when our daughters get their first period.  Our pediatrician shared with us that when a girl gets breast buds, the clock starts ticking for her first menstrual cycle to appear; within 18 months.  Even before breast buds your daughter might need to start using deodorant when she is active, or not, if you prefer eau de armpit in scaring the boys away.

While it might be awfully tempting to leave this lovely life lesson until the last minute, please think about what this communicates to your daughter. 

• Menstrual Cycles are shameful (because we don’t talk about them unless we have to and only in whispers when we do.)
• Your body is broken/gross (because you have “shameful” menstrual cycles.)
• The time of your menstrual cycle typically called your “period” is not positive or feminine (because we hide it even from other women if we can and only talk about it negatively when we do share about it.)
• You have no control of this negative process (therefore I had nothing to educate you about concerning it) so just grab a pad/tampon, a Midol, and wait it out.

Obviously, I don’t believe these things to be true or I wouldn’t be writing about it.  So I want to encourage you to check out Maidens by His Design (MbHD).  I loved this curriculum and have even taught it as a group class once.  I wanted to give you a chance to look up this resource before talking more about educating our daughters on this topic next week.  We did use the Passport to Purity curriculum, but we used it after going through MbHD.  Take a look.  Share what you used with your daughters, if you dare [insert evil laugh here], because we need to talk about this together in order to undo the negative influences that we have been bombarded with over the years.  

Servitude

I am teaching at a conference where I have had the privilege of listening to a excellent speaker the last couple of days.  She brought up a great quote from Harriet Tubman, “I have freed thousands of slaves.  I would have freed thousands more…had they known they were slaves.”  What a simple and convicting thing to say.  What makes this such a great quote is how true this is of so many things.  We are mastered either by the world or by Christ; we are slaves.  We might like to think that we are the masters of our own destiny, the captain of our own ship.  The truth is we are not in control.  We will either be ruled by the culture around us or by the book that guides us.  I hope that book is the Bible. 

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.                           Romans 6:16-18

So, you know you are a slave to Christ…how did you figure this out?  Did you wake up one day, having never opened a Bible or heard a word about God, and decide to surrender your own will over to God?  Probably not.  You heard.  You listened.  You learned.  You grew wise.  We like to talk about the freedom in Christ, but are we willing to talk to our daughters about the servitude and surrender?  If we don’t tell them (again and again and again) they will never hear.  If we don’t educate them they will never learn.  If we do not whisper what the Bible says in their ear on a constant basis then they will never grow wise. 

It is up to us to lead by example.  We must swallow our pride and admit we are slaves.

Growing Up and In

I love that day in the spring where I look back into the woods behind my house and it is green.  The day before the woods were nothing but brown trunks and tan patches of dead leaves.  I love the sudden surprise of buds open and new leaves exploding out of the russet.  I even love the greenish-grey shadows the leaves now cast into the woods.  The surprise of new growth and life is so sudden that it grabs your attention.

I am like one of those trees in the woods behind my house.  I am a fruit tree and a vine.  I am called to be like a mustard seed.  I can try to put roots down in shallow rocky soil, but I will die off from lack of strength and nourishment.  I can simply lay on the hard ground where the wind tosses me and never grow at all.  I can let my roots sink down into fertile soil, grow, and bear fruit.  I choose to grow.

I don’t equate bon-bons with books.  It is not lazy or selfish to take time to nourish yourself and grow in wisdom and understanding.  If I become so isolated from life that my world revolves solely around my role as a parent, I will slowly draw away from my own identity…and from my God.  No growth means that I am fine, perfect, just as I am.  No savior or grace, please, I can manage this on my own.  Just give me the status quo.  I need to read, write, exercise, learn something new, and interact to see life and to see myself.  What is the wisdom in taking time to better myself?  Should I focus on my imperfections and constantly strive to be more, know more, get more?  No, of course not.  But there is wisdom in a steady diet of carefully tending, cultivating, my own identity and spirit. 

Examples:

• If I know who I am, as an individual child of God, and know my gifts then I can better serve.  I will have healthier relationships with the people around me because I am rooted in Christ (not my children, who are fallible…really fallible). 
• My children will learn by watching me that you can teach an old dog new tricks.  I will demonstrate learning and growing throughout all walks in life. 
• It is hard to have patience and extend grace to others when I am not good about these things with myself.  When I take the time to learn something new, especially something hard for me, then I grow in patience.  That patience can be extended to others in my life.
• Exercising your brain has been shown to reduce the risks of mental issues when you are older, such as dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Want to play checkers with your grandkids?  Exercise your brain now.

So what do you do to grow and enrich your own life?  While I highly suggest reading the Bible and praying; those probably won’t teach you how to knit or how to work “in the cloud.”  Me?  I write this blog. J  You really wouldn’t believe the amount of reading, researching, and re-writing that goes into this project.  I know my grammar may not always show it, but this is definitely a brain-enhancing project.

Scripture Snack- Proverbs 31

Snack on some scripture

I am teaching at a conference today so I will have to get my post about the Hunger Games out tomorrow.  I hope you enjoy this link to Bekah Shae's scripture snack.  I really enjoy these clips and she has a bunch of them.  This one is about Proverbs 31.

Twilight Tuesday 9 (The desire for "more than this ordinary life")

The need for a quest or mystery to give us purpose is not a uniquely feminine quality.  Being Christian does not diminish our Humanity.  We long to be a part of something great and important; to have value in this mortal coil.  But a strong relationship with God, a necessary component of living God’s plan for us, is all about surrendering to God.  Being in a stage of rebellion makes it difficult to see the advantages of surrendering to anyone. 

            The purpose in our hearts for something “more than this” life is our subconscious knowledge that this world is lacking something.  We can reject God’s purpose for us as the Pharisees did (Luke 7:30).  We can work against God’s purpose, either out of ignorance or desire for our own will, but His plan will always win out (Acts 5:38).  We quickly question God’s plan when we feel God has denied us something we think we need.  We need to share with our daughters the prayers we are grateful that God didn’t answer the way we wanted Him to.  Mothers have the pressure of being a role model when it comes to living a life with purpose for God.  Not that your daughter can’t see you struggle, but she needs to at least see conviction through your actions that it is a struggle worth having.  I wrestle with this in my own life.  Trust me, writing this article has been a huge wake up call for my parenting skills.   And you never get it right all the time.  I would settle for almost half of the time!

God tells us, unmistakably, the path he wants us to walk (obedience isn’t just for our children), but he doesn’t force us.  We are not puppets on a string.  Puppets are never the heroines in the story because there can be no courage or sacrifice without first having free will.  Our created purpose is to worship Him though.  We are to have no other gods before God (Ex. 20:3). 

We can turn to Romans 12:2 for inspiration that we do not have to be removed from the world, but we do have to find the will to not be conformed to it.  Following God’s plan to give us “more than this” can cost us in worldly terms; friends, money, respect.  I know it was hard for me when I was a teen to grasp the long-term perspective of my heavenly reward for following God’s adventure.  I didn’t have enough years then to see value to benefits I would not receive for many years. 

God’s will for our lives, to reflect His glory, does not sound very glamorous to today’s satisfaction-soaked youth.  But the world knows how to grab our daughters’ hearts.  The world talks about princesses, true-love, and beauty (warped as the standard may be).   As mothers and as Christians, we need to remind our daughters that they are already the child of a King.  They are princesses in a drama that will allow them to be heroes, if they would just be open to the possibility.

Fifth Concerto

See if you can tell what book I have been rereading…

I want my girls to have balance.  I will be disappointed if they do not feel compassion and mercy for others, but I do not want them to feel that simple need is a basis for giving.  If my daughters come to believe that having a need entitles a person to their compassion then they are in danger of expecting others to do for them what they could do (with a little hard work) for themselves.

The daily wisdom of this should show in how I parent and live.  I should strive to model: a willing and joyful work ethic; frequent exercise of my mind in solving problems (not always running to a “helpful” YouTube video); an absolute trust in God to carry me through (but never to “make it easy” for me).  I need to model applying myself to helping others help themselves, but not at the expense of that person’s chance to provide for them self.  Perhaps this last one is done in giving a person the education, opportunity, and space to use their own mind and own hard work.  As much as I can see these things all at work in how I teach childbirth and my services as a doula…I fail all the time as a parent.  It is hardest to be my best for the people I love the most.

I want my daughters to learn to use their minds, not just their bodies as our “grocery store check-out line” culture would have them believe.  I do not worship Capitalism, Intelligence, or Humanity.  I worship a God who created me out of love.  He created me with a capacity to love others.  He fashioned my mind for complex thoughts.  I am created in His image; capable of wisdom and the ability to act on it.

I do not want my daughters to feel limited by their gender nor do I want them to feel a cultural compulsion to shed their feminine nature to be “productive” or to have value.  I do not want my daughters to get socialized by the Disney/Hollywood/Bestseller List notion of romance and emotional love.  I hope my daughters can view screens (TV, internet, video games) as a tool to be used in moderation, not as an escape or addiction that slowly drains them of the desire and ability to think.

My daughters are beautiful, confident, intelligent, and capable young ladies; not because I am a wonderful mother (more in spite of my parenting) but because God created them this way.  I have the task to be my best and to encourage, reward, and discipline in such a way as to nurture and grow these traits into their adulthood.

Till the End of the World

     I was told last year that I had wonderful hearing…for a seventy-year old.  Because I am not seventy years old the possible benefits of hearing aids were then explained to me; it might be better to look into getting them when I was younger, even if I didn’t quite have to have them yet.  “If you got a new DVD player, who would you want to hook it up and program it; your grandfather or one of your kids?” the nice audiologist asked me.  “Most people will answer that they would want their kids to do it because the younger generation knows so much more about current technology,” he went on to explain.  I can understand that.  It is easy for our kids because learning new technology is just part of the learning curve of life.  Our grandparents, on the other hand, are a bit more set in their ways.  (I think this was a gentler kinder way of saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”)  I was encouraged to think about getting hearing aids earlier (since it was highly likely I would need them later) so I could get use to actually hearing everyday noises.  “All of a sudden, you can hear the fridge humming, the floor boards creak, and all those other little noises that everyone else takes for granted so much that they don’t notice them.  It drives older folks nuts to unexpectedly hear all these new sounds all the time.   They have a hard time adjusting to the change.”

How are you when it comes to new technology?  Do you groan, hand the new phone to your daughter, and ask her to set your new ring tone?  Or are you the mom who sits down and is excited to play with her new toy?  How do your daughters see you in comparison to them when it comes to technology?  Are you regarded as wiser than herself? 

I have made it my business to know most of my daughters’ technology better than they do.  My girls can’t hide or delete their internet history to a point where I can’t find it.  I understand and can use more of the functions on our digital camera than my daughters.  My iPod is several generations newer than the one my children share (and that is saying something because mine is not new!).  However, I don’t know all the functions of their Nintendo DS’s nor am I better at playing the games on them.  My oldest can program her Lego Mindstorm robot with ease, and I have purposefully not learned how in order for that to be something that is done with Dad. 

I watch young girls curl their lips and sneer that they know more about the family computer than their moms do.  I see this young generation lose respect for their elders as our culture becomes less defined by the wisdom of age and more defined by knowledge of the latest and greatest.  Technology will get you ahead in life.  Our daughters see dollar signs flash in the (then) young eyes of the founders of FaceBook, Google, and Microsoft.  Our daughters see a culture that values the new fresh ideas of the young over the patient hard-work of their elders. 

I want my daughters to see me as wise in the ways of the world.  I want my daughters to come to me with questions of the heart and soul.  If they see me as “out of touch” or unable (and unwilling) to understand my cell phone; why would they come to me about cyber-bullying or the pressures of having (or not having) a FaceBook page?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you have to be the cool parent…just the one they talk to about anything.  I do believe that our cultural reliance on technology has been a huge factor in the increasing lack of respect that youth have for their elders.

Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who no longer knows how to take warning.     Ecclesiastes 4:13

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.  Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.     1 Timothy 5:1-2

Twilight Tuesday (Beauty Part Two)

When God was creating the world it was not complete until Eve, His last creation that week, was in it.   Then it wasn’t just good, it was very good.  Women were made to show the world God’s beauty.  “Beauty is essential to God.  No- that’s not putting it strongly enough.  Beauty is the essence of God, (Captivating, 34).  In a culture that values material gains you can lose sight of beauty in the search for usefulness.  But Eve was radiant and so are our daughters.

 

      One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

                                                            Psalm 27:4

God’s beauty is mirrored in nature around us and in us.  Beauty is both our physical appearance and our inward character.  While you may have one or the other, your soul still longs for both.  It is okay mom, if you are just now learning about your own beauty.  Let your daughter see your joy in discovering how God sees you.  Our worldview shapes our experiences so change your own point of view and experience the difference it makes.

When you are anxious what calms you?  Many people visualize a “happy place,” that is calm, quiet, and…beautiful.  Beauty makes us slow down so we can enjoy all its aspects. 

Beauty is rarely simple; and women are anything but simple.  Women’s brains process information differently than men’s.  God is not within our power to analyze or explain, neither is a woman.  God is meant to be enjoyed and appreciated just for being, so is a woman.  Our daughters desire to be a beauty that inspires time and understanding. 

Women learn in their teens to become artists at using their appearance to tell something about themselves without saying a word.  We become performers in the world so we will be chosen by those around us.  But God already sees our beauty.  Not only does He think we are beautiful (our mother thinks that too) but He sees our beauty.  When the world tells us we are beautiful (or not) we are unfulfilled because God did not create us so that the world could tell us we were beautiful, but so we would see ourselves as God does.  “You want to be beautiful to someone- anyone,” (The Divine Dance, 15).  When our daughters miss out on the beauty in themselves, they miss out on the beauty in God.  Talk about being made for more than this world!  Have you heard about the brilliance of heaven?  Jewels and gold.  God wants to show the world His beauty through our daughters, but first He has to remove the world’s tarnish and glitter from their eyes.

Twilight Tuesday (on a Wednesday) 5

Thanks for giving me the extra day to post this week.  I am feeling much better and I am able to see today. :)

Adolescents will begin to realize that relationships are more complex than they had previously thought.  Perhaps they start to see that all the “popular” kids have some similarities; character traits or materials possessions.  Our daughters may not voice the words but a struggle to understand power begins before they become adults.  Who has power?  Why do they have it?  How can I get it?  As intuitively as this seems to happen, what most youth are missing is what power struggles have to do with why they are drawn to certain types of fiction. 

There are multiple layers of hierarchy in the world; power and respect are a result of these layers.  When we talk respectfully to or about our elders or bosses, we model to our daughters.  When we discipline our daughters in love over our concern for their character, rather than in anger to stop them from annoying us, we need to point out that we are obeying the hierarchy that God has set before us.  I know that it was a great break-through for my daughter and I when I showed her some carefully screened pages of my girlhood journal.  She was encouraged to see that I struggled with many of the same things that make her angry or frustrated.  I suppose she thought if I could turn out alright, she would do fine too.  When we allow our daughters to see our reconciliation with God or others, we demonstrate the importance of our submission to proper hierarchies. 

It does seem to be almost a teenage rite of passage to go through a stage where you are firmly convinced you are more mature and wise than your parents give you credit for; you are not an average teen and they are holding you back.  In general, I would agree with this assessment (read Do Hard Things to see what I mean) but unfortunately our culture is not set up to reward teens who do rise up to demonstrate true maturity.  Our daughters may not realize that they will be drawn to fiction that idealizes that which they can control, such as self-sufficiency, or that takes the control out of anyone’s hands, such as luck. 

This rebellion from “oppressive” authority easily mirrors the one we will continue to have with God the rest of our lives.  We will go through stages of questioning why prayers weren’t answered the way we thought they should go, why we are in a particular season in life we don’t like, or become impatient for God to answer (we’ve been praying for days/weeks now!).  Adults are not immune to rebellion and we often think we know better than God about when or what is to be done.  Have patience with your daughter and love her through her rebellion knowing that God is doing the same for you. 


 

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise you.     Psalm 71:5,6

Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.     Romans 13:7

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.     1 Peter 3:15,16

Who Owns My Heart?

So why are adolescent girls so likely to quickly form deep emotional relationships that border on (if they don’t just plain cross over into) enmeshment?  I’m not a psychologist but I have a theory.  What are the first relationships that our daughters form?  They bond with their parents and if they have siblings, they also form a bond with their brothers and/or sisters.  My theory is that our daughters will pattern non-family relationships on what they have observed in their previous relationships, with their family members.  Girls tend to be interested in personal relationships, though each girl’s personality will make a difference.  Some daughters will be naturally shy, but when they do form connections they seem to follow this same jump into family-style relationships.

These bonds with immediate family are extremely transparent; we know what their worst moods look like, and we encourage them to share almost every thought or feeling with us.  I have talked to many moms who have experienced post-bed-time confessions where their young child comes down to confess something they did or didn’t do.  The guilt of hiding something from us drives them to climb out of bed and lay bare their soul to us before they can find the peace to sleep.  Oh, that we would treat our heavenly Father with such love and awe. 

Our daughters’ first relational bonds are also…time consuming.  We live together.  We eat together.  We sleep in the same house and often siblings share a room.  A school-age girl spends a great deal of her day with the same classmates.  Again, we see a pattern of spending the better part of a day with the people we have the closest relationships with.  I remember a time long, long ago when my middle child thought that when I used the pronoun “I” (as in, “I will go the store.”) it included her.  It was interesting to see the shift in her very young speech as she became her own person separate from mom.  Our daughters also observe that mom and dad (their introduction to male-female relationships) live together and spend a lot of time together.  Admittedly, in today’s culture busy evening activities or divorce might have lessened this to some extent.  It is only natural that when our daughters begin to forge relationships with boys they pattern after what they have observed.  I wish that I could say I spent as much time with God as I do with my husband and children.

Lastly, our daughters’ first relationships with family are centered on deep emotional bonds.  I would be willing to bet that most days our daughters will be better behaved with their friends’ moms then they will be with us.  Our daughters may not recognize it, but they feel safer making mistakes around us.  The safety of our love is their first taste of grace.  Sometimes our young daughters will question our love for them when we are angry at them.  Our reassurance of unconditional love creates that deep connection that sustains our daughters’ innate desire for relationship.  This parent/daughter bond is powerful even in cases where there is abuse or a distant parent involved.  Just ask any woman who did not have a good relationship with one or both of her parents how that has effected her current relationships.  Our daughters will be quick to shape their new relationships with girl or boy friends after this same model of deep love and trust.  Imagine if we could trust in God’s love for us as much as our daughters trust in our love for them.

None of my children have been very shy and that has certainly put us in some interesting situations.  I have heard my young daughters exclaim they had a new best friend after one hour of play at the park.  They are older now, but not really any less quick to give their hearts away to a new friend, boy or girl.  Have you ever had a discussion with your daughter about why they didn’t need to share [insert private family matter here] with the grocery store clerk?  These conversations start at a pretty young age, but they need to continue as our daughters are older.  We generally don’t sit around with our daughters and their peers at school or while they are just hanging out with a pal, so we might not hear how much they are sharing.  It pays to discuss with our daughters the difference between family relationships and friends, just like you would speak to them about not talking to strangers; especially in this age of technology when texting and IM’ing make new friends just a click away.

The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.    Proverbs 15:7

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.    Proverbs 16:23

He who fears the LORD, has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.    Proverbs 14:26

Educating the Teacher

I have yet to find a more reliable tool for teaching my daughters then modeling the behavior and thought patterns I think are wise.  I wish “Do as I say, not as I do,” worked as well, but I imagine this is God’s way of making sure there is a beneficial change not only in my daughters but in me as well.  (Yes, I did sigh at the end of that sentence.)  It isn’t fun to look at your own short-comings.  If I hadn’t recently been advised NOT to include music on my blog I totally would have added “Man in the Mirror” to this post.  

           

            I thought it would be a great idea to share the books that have changed us and made us better women, wives, moms, and daughters of God.  So in no particular order this is my list of must-reads.

• Captivating by Staci and Todd Eldridge:  This book validated so many of my more feminine traits that I knew were there for a reason, and gave me the reason God gave them to me.  What better way to know and serve God than to use the very tools he created me with?
• Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris:  My oldest and I are reading this book together (actually, she just finished and I am lagging behind a couple chapters).  This book was written by teens for teens; to tell them there is no such thing as teens…and it is awesome.  Do not settle for low expectations in “teens”, and don’t let your “teen” settle for them either.  A very practical and inspiring read for both my daughter and me.
• The Divine Dance by Shannon Kubiak:  She gets me.  This is my other choice for understanding how and why women tick and why God made us that way.  How can I possibly model to my daughters what it means to be a healthy semi-well-adjusted woman until I can get there myself?  I read this book every 3-5 years and it gets better every time.
• The Fallacy Detective by Nathaniel and Hans Bluedorn: A book that makes the study of Logic reasonable even for someone who has never studied it.  The subtitle says it all, “Thirty-Eight Lessons on How to Recognize Bad Reasoning.”  I need those lessons and so do my daughters if we are to be in this world but not of it.
• The Bible by God:  This should be an easy explanation; after all, this post is about Godly wisdom.  However, if you haven’t read the Bible much yet it can be hard to pick it up and start seeing the application of thousand year old wisdom.  The Bible isn’t an easy read.  God didn’t dictate His book to the prophets in picture book format.  What can help make it more easily digested?  Prayer will certainly help!  Finding a good church with lots of people to love on you and mentor you would be great too. 

I went into the blog’s settings and made some changes.  Anyone can leave a comment now so you don’t have to be a registered user.  What books have changed you for the better?  I only have four books I am currently trying to work my way through.  I need a few more suggestions.

Wooing Wisdom

In the wake of Valentine’s Day I thought it might be appropriate to discuss how romance plays into our daughter’s wisdom.  Romance makes women feel valued.  It’s as simple as that.  When women feel valued, we feel safe. Our daughter wants to be romanced.  Don’t you?  As children or as adults we might have had some negative experiences that jaded us or made us distrustful of being sought after by men.  But in the core of our being, God made us to long for a relationship where we feel loved.  This fulfillment begins at home in our relationships with our daughter and then goes on to include her friendships with those outside of her immediate family.   Eventually, our daughter will include more intimate relationships with boys as part of that fulfillment.

Please step outside of the pop culture sexualized notion of romance and look at the heart of your daughter’s need.  Your daughter needs to have someone believe in her unique value so strongly that they would pursue her time and attention.  An eventual interest in boys is merely your daughter’s natural progression of her search for value and security.  But as parents, we can either create a pattern to seek out our daughter, or we put our daughter into the pattern of having to seek after us.  There is a balance that needs to be struck there; I am sure none of us want to raise a spoiled brat that thinks everyone should be pursuing her while she just laps it up.  But we will set our daughter up for an equally unhealthy relationship if she is always seeking our approval, time, and understanding.  

When parents model a healthy relationship (a balance of pursuing her heart without spoiling her) we are subtly offering her wisdom.  She will learn from this experience without even being aware there was a lesson.  She becomes wise when she can see the difference between the healthy image she has been brought up in and the unhealthy Hollywood image portrayed in movies, books, and music.  She is wise if she sees the benefits of the relationship modeled by her parents contrasted by the negatives of quick enmeshment offered in co-dependent relationships (a staple in “teen” romance).  How we romance our daughter now will influence her future relationships with God, friends, boys, and even us. 

Are you pursuing your daughter’s heart?  What would your daughter say if someone asked her that question?  Does she feel pursued?  It might take some time and effort just to figure out your daughter’s love language, but it will be worth it.  Once you figure out how to reach her heart it will be easier to naturally take opportunities as they come up.  Once your daughter has had a taste of the real thing it will be easier for her to discern when someone in her life seems good, but truly isn’t good. 

My son, if sinful men entice you, do not give in to them.    Proverbs 1:10

The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death.           Proverbs 13:14

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.     Proverbs 13:20