Playlist songs

I keep saying that I am going to create a playlist/CD for my kids to listen to if anything should happen to me.  My father died when I was very young and his letters are so precious to me; so this idea of leaving something to lift my kids up if I was gone is close to my heart.  This song would definitely make the list!  I also really want Britt Nicole's headphones from this video.

Blood and Guts

            “Just the facts, ma’am.”  What do our daughters need to hear from us about their menstrual cycle?  Simple facts of chemistry and biology, yes.  Well, what does the world tell our daughters about their maturing body?  If you simply Google you will find lots of cold hard fact mixed with all the “what-if’s,” pain relief options, and possible complications.  You won’t find anything that ties a woman’s femininity to her cycle.  Only women get periods yet there is this glaring omission in the information that is presented. 

One of the key reasons for this omission is that God is left out of the discussion.  God created our bodies and He created this process.  He didn’t create the menstrual cycle to frustrate us or hinder us (from swimming, wearing white pants, etc.).  God created this intricate process as a fundamental part of what makes us different from men; our femininity.  Women, not men, have babies.  God created our menstrual cycle for a purpose, to conceive and bear children.  “Be fruitful and multiply..” 

This is a blessing!  We get to take part with God in creating new life.  Even Christ had an earthly mother.  Our menstrual cycles are not a curse we are forced to endure.  You don’t have to have a lengthily discussion on the birds-and-bees to share with your daughter the blessings that her womb was designed for.  One of the things I really liked about the MbHD curriculum was the video that talked about how detailed God was in creating the process of conception that goes on within just the woman’s body. 

Our daughters need to hear from us that blood is not gross.  Ok, that one might take some work for some of us.  Try looking up all references to blood in the Bible.  Blood is cleansing.  We were bought out of slavery by the blood of Christ.  Blood is life. How do you react to blood around your daughter?  Fearful and squeamish over gushing head wounds?  Yea, me too.  But when it comes to the slow and gentle welling of blood in a deep scrap it might help if we take the time to explain that blood is cleaning the wound and delivering all kinds of good stuff to the troubled area.  We have been conditioned to see blood as gross and a sign of danger.  Our daughters will not learn any different if we do not lead the way.

One of the topics that all the moms in my class commented on was how often options they had never thought of before were discussed; like cloth pads, Keepers, Cups, and sponges.  We discussed the roles of proper nutrition and simple herbs like red raspberry leaf tea.  We also discussed charting.  Everyone, mom and daughter, walked out of class knowing how to chart their cycle.  This might seem like something only those trying to conceive might be interested in, but there is more value to it then just that.  There are some very handy apps these days for charting and predicting when your next period will start, but they are computer programs that are capable of error just like humans.  If you have a good understanding of the phases of your cycle and can chart them out, you can plan not just for when your period will start but also when to consume more iron, water, or that tea we talked about.  I admit, I like tea.

Next week: The Fear-Curse-Victim approach

Antithesis

Ideas clash.  Ideas about how to raise children clash passionately.  Just watch one mom try to explain to another why she needs to get an epidural, birth naturally, stay at home, go back to work, private school, public school, etc.  The only topic I know more volatile than raising children is religion, and if you combine the two…look out.  Life is all about the clash of ideas.  It will surround our daughters in all they do.  Our daughters need to know:

1. How to hear an idea without agreeing with it.
2. How to respect another person, and value them, without agreeing with them.
3. How to speak their own ideas clearly with love and respect, but firm conviction.
4. How to evaluate another idea based on sound logic and a biblical worldview.

In short, we need to socialize our children.  Whether your daughters attend public, private, or you home-school; we need to influence our daughters more than anyone else.  This can be difficult at a time when they are testing the waters of independence. 

One way to socialize our daughters is to think about what other adults in our daughters’ lives we can point them to?  Who can we give them permission to look to as role models?  One of the nice benefits here is that they will hear the same advice that they mistook for misguided nagging when it came from us.  My daughters want to see the world outside of our home and that is a good thing.  I want them to still have sound guidance in situations when I am not there.  The answer is to get them involved in some activities where there are other adults you know and trust.  Our girls are part of a wonderful FLL team where I know the other moms and dads are upholding the same standards and morals that we hold to at home.  I know the other parents involved and I trust their influence over my children.  I welcome it, in fact.

Another way to influence our children and show them how ideas clash (antithesis) is through reading books with them.  I just recently heard a great speaker, Leigh Bortins, say, “Books introduce antithesis safely because kids will see it first hand soon enough.”  If I read the Hunger Games books with my daughters and talk about it with them, I can walk them through the four points given up above.  I can talk them through difficult ideas presented in the story as a way to give them positive guidelines for real life situations.  The conversations can be fun Saturday morning breakfasts out or silly giggly girly manicures at home.  The same can be done with movies if you make frequent use of the pause button.  The key is to talk to our daughters, ask them questions, and give them our thoughts on the matter. 

Listen, my [daughter], to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.  They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.      Proverbs 1:8-9

My [daughter], if you accept my words and store up my commands within you…    Proverbs 2:1

My [daughter], do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.     Proverbs 3:1-2

Listen, my [daughters], to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a [daughter] to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother.                  Proverbs 4:1-3

My [daughter], pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.                      Proverbs 5:1-2

And so on…J

Modesty: Shopping Smarts

This is the second part of a series on Modesty by my guest, Kim Crawford.  Enjoy ~Tamara

Take a walk with me down the aisle at your local Kohl’s store. When you look around at the clothes for women and girls, would you say that they are designed to reveal the secrets of your beauty, or conceal them? I think we would all agree that the goal in modern apparel is to be revealing! So why does this matter for you and your girls?

According to Dannah Gresh, of Pure Freedom ministries, one of the top five factors for early sexual activity is, “a girl who looks older than she actually is. There is a strong case to argue that the end result of today’s immodest fashion is sexual promiscuity.”  I don't know about you, Mom, but my heart longs to protect my girls from the lifelong pain of premarital sexual involvement.

Here are some tools to consider when you are shopping for yourself and your daughters. May these aid you in your desire to help your daughter grow in purity and modesty.

Guidelines for choosing clothes

Attractive or Attracting?

Josh Harris hit the nail on the head in his book, Not Even a Hint, when he wrote that, “there is difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract."  Attractive clothing highlights your countenance instead of drawing attention to our body. Skimpy clothing is often thought as the antithesis of modesty. My husband would suggest that frumpy, baggy, and utterly outdated clothing that makes a woman look sloppy is also immodest. Modesty looks not to either of these extremes, but instead focuses on clothing that allows your inward beauty to shine.

Modesty Tests:

When I take my girls shopping, I have found these modesty tests to be helpful in evaluating our clothing choices. They put some fun into the process as well. (See all 8 tests at: http://purefreedom.org/media.htm)  Here are two examples:

• Raise and Praise: As you lift up your hands, if midriff shows, out it goes.

• I See London, I See France: When you bend over, is anything revealed that should stay hidden? (chest area, underwear).

Less is more
     As our culture continues down the road of blatant sensuality, modest clothing may become harder to find. Our family has come to the realization that trips to large national retail chains are usually unprofitable in our quest for modest clothing for our girls. As a result, we have modified our mindset: spending more on higher quality, but buying fewer items. Who needs an entire closet and dresser full of clothing anyway? This mindset doesn't have to break the bank either. A prime example of this would be Land’s End clothing that we purchase at Sears.


The Buck stops with Dad
     Unfortunately, most dads sit on the sidelines in regards to this area. Moms and daughters need to purposefully included dad in the decisions. See him as a coach, not an opponent. Dads will see clothing choices through the “male” perspective. Encourage him to be honest, and be willing to take back certain articles of clothing that set off a red flag in his mind. Speaking from experience, having my dad's input in my clothing choices growing up proved to be a huge blessing. His counsel helped me avoid many pitfalls that I would have unknowingly fallen into.  With these thoughts and perspectives in mind, may shopping for yourself and your daughters be an experience that you can now approach with excitement instead of trepidation.

By Kim Crawford

worldly weights

I am so grateful for the opportunity to pursue this project.  I am blessed by a God that whispers in my thoughts a new idea that I had never seen before.  I am blessed by the people who have encouraged me to write and then to actually share it with the public.  I am blessed to have a husband who encourages me to give this my time and energy.  I am blessed by children who get excited when I get excited about meeting other writers (even if it is only by email).  I am so blessed.  These people all keep me going when I get discouraged.  Parenting is hard and guilt over past mistakes (or the daily ones!) can cripple you into wanting to give up.  When you add a passion, hobby, or work to the mix life can get daunting fast.  It is the community around us that can sustain us or drag us down.  I am so very blessed in the people that I have around me.  What sustains you?  What keeps you going when worldly weights pull at your joy?

Right here, Right now

Someone once told me that when they died they wanted to be remembered as a woman who had a heart for God.  She wanted her children, or grandchildren, to see her Bible as an expression of her life; with all its handwritten notes, underlined passages, and scraps of papers tucked into it.  She wanted those she left behind to feel closest to her when looking through her Bible.  I thought this was wonderful.

I get so wrapped up in living a fulfilled life.  I want to live up to my potential and not squander my gifts.  I forget that my life will be measured by heaven’s definition of success, not the world’s.  A life lived for God can be lived out on a public stage; preaching, teaching, and encouraging.  A life full of Christ can easily be lived out in the quiet and behind closed doors.  No accolades are needed to measure our success.  We don’t need others to validate our self-worth in our accomplishments they can see and hear and touch.  Well, we shouldn’t need the world to validate us but so often we want it anyway.  God is patient.  We are not.  God is long-suffering.  We desire immediate gratification.  Righteousness is not immediate and is only gratifying if our focus in on heaven’s standards.  I hope that my children will look back at my life and say that I had a heart for God.

Growing Up and In

I love that day in the spring where I look back into the woods behind my house and it is green.  The day before the woods were nothing but brown trunks and tan patches of dead leaves.  I love the sudden surprise of buds open and new leaves exploding out of the russet.  I even love the greenish-grey shadows the leaves now cast into the woods.  The surprise of new growth and life is so sudden that it grabs your attention.

I am like one of those trees in the woods behind my house.  I am a fruit tree and a vine.  I am called to be like a mustard seed.  I can try to put roots down in shallow rocky soil, but I will die off from lack of strength and nourishment.  I can simply lay on the hard ground where the wind tosses me and never grow at all.  I can let my roots sink down into fertile soil, grow, and bear fruit.  I choose to grow.

I don’t equate bon-bons with books.  It is not lazy or selfish to take time to nourish yourself and grow in wisdom and understanding.  If I become so isolated from life that my world revolves solely around my role as a parent, I will slowly draw away from my own identity…and from my God.  No growth means that I am fine, perfect, just as I am.  No savior or grace, please, I can manage this on my own.  Just give me the status quo.  I need to read, write, exercise, learn something new, and interact to see life and to see myself.  What is the wisdom in taking time to better myself?  Should I focus on my imperfections and constantly strive to be more, know more, get more?  No, of course not.  But there is wisdom in a steady diet of carefully tending, cultivating, my own identity and spirit. 

Examples:

• If I know who I am, as an individual child of God, and know my gifts then I can better serve.  I will have healthier relationships with the people around me because I am rooted in Christ (not my children, who are fallible…really fallible). 
• My children will learn by watching me that you can teach an old dog new tricks.  I will demonstrate learning and growing throughout all walks in life. 
• It is hard to have patience and extend grace to others when I am not good about these things with myself.  When I take the time to learn something new, especially something hard for me, then I grow in patience.  That patience can be extended to others in my life.
• Exercising your brain has been shown to reduce the risks of mental issues when you are older, such as dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Want to play checkers with your grandkids?  Exercise your brain now.

So what do you do to grow and enrich your own life?  While I highly suggest reading the Bible and praying; those probably won’t teach you how to knit or how to work “in the cloud.”  Me?  I write this blog. J  You really wouldn’t believe the amount of reading, researching, and re-writing that goes into this project.  I know my grammar may not always show it, but this is definitely a brain-enhancing project.

To delegate or not…that is the question.

A mom’s life is so busy that we can be tempted to give more time and energy to our short-term goals, like a clean(ish) home, than to the bigger long term goals.  It is easier to do certain chores around the house myself.  I can get the job done better and faster than my children.  This frees me up for the next emergent situation or task on my list.  But I need to think it through from a long term perspective.  Imagine with me…

            Your daughter has grown into a wonderful young lady and has found the man of her dreams to marry.  There is a beautiful and very touching ceremony but it isn’t long after the honeymoon that your daughter starts calling you in tears.  Her new husband (whom you found bright and charming) doesn’t have a clue how to do his own laundry.  He looks at her like she is speaking a foreign language when she asks him to clean up the bathroom.  He doesn’t know where to start.  In fact, he kinda grumbles about any household chores.  Your daughter sobs that she feels more like his mother than his wife. 

Now in your imagination, reverse that situation.  Your future son-in-law is calling his mom up to complain about your darling daughter regarding the exact same things. 

It might be harder and more time consuming to show your daughters how to go about doing chores around the house, but in the long run they (and you) will be better off for it.  I can not imagine if I had to keep up this house, school three children, take care of shopping, cooking, writing this blog, etc. all on my own.  The American myth of Supermom who can be all things to all people is a crippling lie. 

This same short-term thinking can effect how we discipline our daughters.  Are we so caught up in stopping the immediate actions of our daughters that we discipline their behavior instead of trying to reach their hearts?  Do we ignore an annoying or rude behavior until we get so frustrated we react in anger?  There are some great books out on trying to reach a child’s heart (which will in turn change their behavior on a much more consistent basis). 

If you aren’t sure where to start or what chores it would be reasonable to expect of them, I highly recommend 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home: Household tested and proven effective! Techniques, tips, tricks, and strategies on how to get your kids to share ... become self-reliant, responsible adults by Bonnie McCullough.  She goes through what chores you could introduce based on age and ability.  She also gives different tips, motivational methods, and systems to help with problem areas you might have in your home.

We need to realize when our focus on accomplishing the short-term goals can rob our daughters of learning accountability.  Our daughters will one day be accountable to a boss, husband, church family, and more importantly, God.  It is our jobs as mothers to take that extra time to discipline their hearts or show them again and again (and again) how to do chores around the house.  We are teaching them responsibility when we do this.  You can be very knowledgeable about many things, but if you do not have responsibility then your ability to discern how and when to use that knowledge will be severely hindered. 

My [daughter], do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a [mother] the [daughter she] delights in.  Proverbs 3:11,12

In regard to a wicked man: He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.  Proverbs 5:23

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.    Proverbs 6:6-8

Playing with Fire

You can’t touch fire.  In fact, fire has the nasty habit of destroying anything too close to it.  The heroine of The Hunger Games series is Katniss, “The Girl On Fire”.  One comment I have frequently heard when comparing this series with the Twilight books is the strength of the lead character Katniss compared to the clingy, boy-focused Bella.  Katniss isn’t just stronger physically; her greatest asset seems to be her tough emotional shell.  Just like every other fictional heroine, Katniss’s life prepared her to face the challenges in this story.  So what is it about her life that has isolated Katniss into a young girl with commitment issues?

In the world of this story life is hard.  You have to scrounge for food to keep from starving.  Katniss’s father (who died in a mining accident before the story even begins) was a great hunter and he apparently lived long enough to pass a great deal of this on to Katniss.  Katniss loved her father.  They understood each other and were quite close.  Katniss is not particularly close to her mother (who is never named), and when her father dies the nameless mother slips into a depression so deep that Katniss must become her father and provide for the family.  The only emotional connections left to young Katniss are those between her and her sister, Prim, and to her hunting partner, the handsome Gale.  Katniss must be strong, not only because she has no one looking out for her, but because she is responsible for the lives of her mother and little sister. 

Katniss has a difficult time understanding why the adults in her world silence her complaints and observations about life under the rule of the Capital.  She appears to mistake the adult’s lack of hope (their silence) as blindness.  Her character is presented as being lonely in her discernment of the Capital and its oppression.  She can relax and speak her mind with her friend Gale, but she is also becoming aware of his attraction to her, a thing she is not exactly happy about.  Katniss does not express this sentiment until later in the story, but she seems to not want to fall in love because love leads to marriage…and children.  Katniss does not want to watch her own children go through the reaping or the Hunger Games.  Again, this isn’t explained until much later in the books; however, in the beginning Katniss is clear that she does not want or need a romantic relationship. 

Katniss does have an emotional weak spot; she is a sucker for someone who needs her protection.  The only characters Katniss forms any attachments to are all ones that rely on her to protect them like Prim and Rue.  It isn’t until Peeta actually needs Katniss’s help in the Games (up until then he had been protecting her) that Katniss’s character shows some stirrings of feelings for him.  She fights these feelings and is, of course, clueless as to what they mean to her.  In the last book Katniss overhears Gale’s brilliant observation to Peeta that Katniss will ultimately choose whichever of them needs her protection most.  She might be a hunter and ultimately capable of cold-blooded murder, but she loves to rescue the strays and runts of humanity. 

Katniss is untouchable.  She thinks she doesn’t need help from others so it takes her a while to notice when someone is helping her.  She is also bitter and broken by the end of the books.  She has won a battle she never wanted to fight for people she didn’t know or care about.  Everyone she did care for is either dead, far away, or as broken as her.  The author ends the books with the idea that the world will be better for Katniss’s unwilling sacrifices.

Next Friday: Why is being untouchable so attractive to our daughters?

Get A Date

As Christian moms we tend to reject the “me time” culture we see around us.  We are constantly on for our children, in fact, our world revolves around them.  You can be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, either way you can get caught up in the myth that our children come first.  We put our faith next, hubby third, and ourselves last.

Let us examine what this teaches our children. 

• Children are a blessing or a burden (which one will depend on how your child perceives your attitude towards them).
• Raising children is incredibly time consuming.
• Your children are more important to you than your husband, their dad.
• You are not a separate individual from your children.

The ultimate lesson that your children can walk away with is that intimate relationships like that of a husband and wife are not worth working on, or that they don’t require time and effort to maintain.  Your children might see intimate relationships as equal with more common, or if you will, shallower relationships like those between co-workers.

But there is another lesson your child might learn that probably hasn’t occurred to you yet.  It comes once they observe what happens to your marriage when all your children are grown and moved out.  Without the common bond of raising children, do you and your husband have anything left to talk about?  Do you know each other anymore?  Have you moved into separate worlds?  Has a marriage turned into roommate status, or worse, even fallen apart?

What if you make the commitment to put your marriage first, what lessons does that teach your children?  You make the effort to find a reliable and safe babysitter once a month while you go out on a date with your husband.  You teach your children to wait a moment until your husband finishes his story he was telling you even though it is so much easier to ask your husband to wait (he does have more patience).  If your children were to sneak out of bed (because that never happens) what would they learn if they saw you enjoying a glass of iced-tea on the front porch swing with your husband?

My hope is that in observing my husband and my efforts to strengthen our marriage that my children learn:

·         Intimate relationships take time and effort to maintain.  My children won’t be so quick to buy into the Hollywood myth of emotional love as true love.

·         While my children will know they are the apple of our eye, they won’t think the earth revolves around them and their immediate needs.

·         Raising children takes a lot of time, love, and laughter.

·         They can one day raise children and still be their own person.

Something else amazing…the Bible backs this up. 

“Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children…” Titus 2:4 (husbands come first in this list)

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24  (The man and woman become one, there needs to be a connection and strong bond there)

“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives.”  1 Corinthians 7:39a

“For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through is wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.  Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” 1 Corinthians 7:14 (the children are directly effected by the parents’ relationship)

Not to mention all the scripture that cites the husband as the head of the house, or scripture states that a husband’s body or a wife’s body is not their own but belongs to their spouse (not their children).

 

If you have experienced this topic in your own parenting/marriage, would you please leave a comment to share?  I think this is an important topic for moms to know.  Back me up, ladies!

Wisdom at Fort Rapids

My son wanted to go to Fort Rapids, as a family, for his birthday.  It was great fun and I got a chance to sit and write for a bit.  I was amazed to list out all the ways that wisdom was needed at an indoor water park!  I thought I would share with you the thoughts I had about daily wisdom and discernment.

Some were obvious:  no running on the wet slippery floors and making sure everyone knew where our towels and stuff were.  We made sure that everyone had a buddy and stayed with their buddy.  Buddies could rotate but you never leave a man behind. ;)  We also had to think ahead to pack goggles, coins for the lockers, and big fluffy towels. 

Some things though were not so obvious.  We had to walk out with three very disappointed children the first time we went because we didn’t think to verify which days the water park was open (tip: they are not open on Tuesdays in the winter).  Once we got there on the correct day, we had to remind our children to accept the correction of the life guards graciously.  While I thought that should be obvious, I can tell you that I saw plenty of children that day who had obviously not received these instructions. 

Our family has a standard of modesty that is higher than our current culture’s.  Our children exercised discernment in what was appropriate to wear; as well as, discern that it was not okay to lecture the teeny-bopper on her choice of attire (or lack thereof).

Our children were generally good at being aware of the other children around them.  They watched out for young toddlers and other less-steady swimmers.  They stayed out of the way of rambunctious teens and adults.  They didn’t stare at couples who “forgot” they were in public and sat cuddling and kissing.

We had to exercise self-discipline as a family in getting out the door on time.  We also had to get our school work done first (and whining just slows the whole process). 

I read a wonderful book a couple years ago called Last Child in the Woods.  This book impressed upon me the need to allow my children to explore without constantly reining them in or micromanaging their every move.  I no longer tell them to “be careful” but to “be smart.”  In the case of my oldest, who will charge into things without thinking, I will say, “be slow and be smart.”  I want them to know their limits but I don’t want them to be limited by them. 

It feels a bit strange to pick apart one day like this.  I am glad I did though, because I can see how wonderful it is when my children do exercise wisdom.  I can point out to them the benefits they received from practicing discernment, self-discipline, and thinking ahead.  Hopefully, this encouragement will help them to see these benefits for themselves in the future.

Till the End of the World

     I was told last year that I had wonderful hearing…for a seventy-year old.  Because I am not seventy years old the possible benefits of hearing aids were then explained to me; it might be better to look into getting them when I was younger, even if I didn’t quite have to have them yet.  “If you got a new DVD player, who would you want to hook it up and program it; your grandfather or one of your kids?” the nice audiologist asked me.  “Most people will answer that they would want their kids to do it because the younger generation knows so much more about current technology,” he went on to explain.  I can understand that.  It is easy for our kids because learning new technology is just part of the learning curve of life.  Our grandparents, on the other hand, are a bit more set in their ways.  (I think this was a gentler kinder way of saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”)  I was encouraged to think about getting hearing aids earlier (since it was highly likely I would need them later) so I could get use to actually hearing everyday noises.  “All of a sudden, you can hear the fridge humming, the floor boards creak, and all those other little noises that everyone else takes for granted so much that they don’t notice them.  It drives older folks nuts to unexpectedly hear all these new sounds all the time.   They have a hard time adjusting to the change.”

How are you when it comes to new technology?  Do you groan, hand the new phone to your daughter, and ask her to set your new ring tone?  Or are you the mom who sits down and is excited to play with her new toy?  How do your daughters see you in comparison to them when it comes to technology?  Are you regarded as wiser than herself? 

I have made it my business to know most of my daughters’ technology better than they do.  My girls can’t hide or delete their internet history to a point where I can’t find it.  I understand and can use more of the functions on our digital camera than my daughters.  My iPod is several generations newer than the one my children share (and that is saying something because mine is not new!).  However, I don’t know all the functions of their Nintendo DS’s nor am I better at playing the games on them.  My oldest can program her Lego Mindstorm robot with ease, and I have purposefully not learned how in order for that to be something that is done with Dad. 

I watch young girls curl their lips and sneer that they know more about the family computer than their moms do.  I see this young generation lose respect for their elders as our culture becomes less defined by the wisdom of age and more defined by knowledge of the latest and greatest.  Technology will get you ahead in life.  Our daughters see dollar signs flash in the (then) young eyes of the founders of FaceBook, Google, and Microsoft.  Our daughters see a culture that values the new fresh ideas of the young over the patient hard-work of their elders. 

I want my daughters to see me as wise in the ways of the world.  I want my daughters to come to me with questions of the heart and soul.  If they see me as “out of touch” or unable (and unwilling) to understand my cell phone; why would they come to me about cyber-bullying or the pressures of having (or not having) a FaceBook page?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you have to be the cool parent…just the one they talk to about anything.  I do believe that our cultural reliance on technology has been a huge factor in the increasing lack of respect that youth have for their elders.

Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who no longer knows how to take warning.     Ecclesiastes 4:13

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.  Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.     1 Timothy 5:1-2

Twilight Tuesday (on a Wednesday) 5

Thanks for giving me the extra day to post this week.  I am feeling much better and I am able to see today. :)

Adolescents will begin to realize that relationships are more complex than they had previously thought.  Perhaps they start to see that all the “popular” kids have some similarities; character traits or materials possessions.  Our daughters may not voice the words but a struggle to understand power begins before they become adults.  Who has power?  Why do they have it?  How can I get it?  As intuitively as this seems to happen, what most youth are missing is what power struggles have to do with why they are drawn to certain types of fiction. 

There are multiple layers of hierarchy in the world; power and respect are a result of these layers.  When we talk respectfully to or about our elders or bosses, we model to our daughters.  When we discipline our daughters in love over our concern for their character, rather than in anger to stop them from annoying us, we need to point out that we are obeying the hierarchy that God has set before us.  I know that it was a great break-through for my daughter and I when I showed her some carefully screened pages of my girlhood journal.  She was encouraged to see that I struggled with many of the same things that make her angry or frustrated.  I suppose she thought if I could turn out alright, she would do fine too.  When we allow our daughters to see our reconciliation with God or others, we demonstrate the importance of our submission to proper hierarchies. 

It does seem to be almost a teenage rite of passage to go through a stage where you are firmly convinced you are more mature and wise than your parents give you credit for; you are not an average teen and they are holding you back.  In general, I would agree with this assessment (read Do Hard Things to see what I mean) but unfortunately our culture is not set up to reward teens who do rise up to demonstrate true maturity.  Our daughters may not realize that they will be drawn to fiction that idealizes that which they can control, such as self-sufficiency, or that takes the control out of anyone’s hands, such as luck. 

This rebellion from “oppressive” authority easily mirrors the one we will continue to have with God the rest of our lives.  We will go through stages of questioning why prayers weren’t answered the way we thought they should go, why we are in a particular season in life we don’t like, or become impatient for God to answer (we’ve been praying for days/weeks now!).  Adults are not immune to rebellion and we often think we know better than God about when or what is to be done.  Have patience with your daughter and love her through her rebellion knowing that God is doing the same for you. 


 

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise you.     Psalm 71:5,6

Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.     Romans 13:7

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.     1 Peter 3:15,16

Who Owns My Heart?

So why are adolescent girls so likely to quickly form deep emotional relationships that border on (if they don’t just plain cross over into) enmeshment?  I’m not a psychologist but I have a theory.  What are the first relationships that our daughters form?  They bond with their parents and if they have siblings, they also form a bond with their brothers and/or sisters.  My theory is that our daughters will pattern non-family relationships on what they have observed in their previous relationships, with their family members.  Girls tend to be interested in personal relationships, though each girl’s personality will make a difference.  Some daughters will be naturally shy, but when they do form connections they seem to follow this same jump into family-style relationships.

These bonds with immediate family are extremely transparent; we know what their worst moods look like, and we encourage them to share almost every thought or feeling with us.  I have talked to many moms who have experienced post-bed-time confessions where their young child comes down to confess something they did or didn’t do.  The guilt of hiding something from us drives them to climb out of bed and lay bare their soul to us before they can find the peace to sleep.  Oh, that we would treat our heavenly Father with such love and awe. 

Our daughters’ first relational bonds are also…time consuming.  We live together.  We eat together.  We sleep in the same house and often siblings share a room.  A school-age girl spends a great deal of her day with the same classmates.  Again, we see a pattern of spending the better part of a day with the people we have the closest relationships with.  I remember a time long, long ago when my middle child thought that when I used the pronoun “I” (as in, “I will go the store.”) it included her.  It was interesting to see the shift in her very young speech as she became her own person separate from mom.  Our daughters also observe that mom and dad (their introduction to male-female relationships) live together and spend a lot of time together.  Admittedly, in today’s culture busy evening activities or divorce might have lessened this to some extent.  It is only natural that when our daughters begin to forge relationships with boys they pattern after what they have observed.  I wish that I could say I spent as much time with God as I do with my husband and children.

Lastly, our daughters’ first relationships with family are centered on deep emotional bonds.  I would be willing to bet that most days our daughters will be better behaved with their friends’ moms then they will be with us.  Our daughters may not recognize it, but they feel safer making mistakes around us.  The safety of our love is their first taste of grace.  Sometimes our young daughters will question our love for them when we are angry at them.  Our reassurance of unconditional love creates that deep connection that sustains our daughters’ innate desire for relationship.  This parent/daughter bond is powerful even in cases where there is abuse or a distant parent involved.  Just ask any woman who did not have a good relationship with one or both of her parents how that has effected her current relationships.  Our daughters will be quick to shape their new relationships with girl or boy friends after this same model of deep love and trust.  Imagine if we could trust in God’s love for us as much as our daughters trust in our love for them.

None of my children have been very shy and that has certainly put us in some interesting situations.  I have heard my young daughters exclaim they had a new best friend after one hour of play at the park.  They are older now, but not really any less quick to give their hearts away to a new friend, boy or girl.  Have you ever had a discussion with your daughter about why they didn’t need to share [insert private family matter here] with the grocery store clerk?  These conversations start at a pretty young age, but they need to continue as our daughters are older.  We generally don’t sit around with our daughters and their peers at school or while they are just hanging out with a pal, so we might not hear how much they are sharing.  It pays to discuss with our daughters the difference between family relationships and friends, just like you would speak to them about not talking to strangers; especially in this age of technology when texting and IM’ing make new friends just a click away.

The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.    Proverbs 15:7

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.    Proverbs 16:23

He who fears the LORD, has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.    Proverbs 14:26