Risking the Impossible

I love readingOne Thousand Gifts just to get a taste of the voice and tone that Ann uses.  Here is my own take on themes found in her writing.

            What do I risk?  What do I lay out, palms open and stretched forward?  Risk means love and that I care about the consequences of loss, hurt, and pain.  Risking means giving it up and being vulnerable.  Open and undefended.

            I risk very little.  I tuck a hope in my deepest pocket.  I stash a yearning in the farthest recesses of dusty closet corners.  I hold tight, arms crossed and bound around what I love.  It’s mine.  So I hoard it, never allowing anyone else to touch it.  I’m a petulant child who won’t share her toys. 

            God calls me to give.  He wants me palms out and up, arms thrown wide, face up lit.  He wants joy in my grateful smile of vulnerability.  He wants wild abandoned trust like a child from me.  I only tentatively allow Him a glimpse into my cupped hands before snapping them closed tight to my chest.

            I risk little.  I’ll do it.  “What do I do, Lord?  What do you want me to do, God?”  His simple answer, “Let it go.  Risk losing,” is ignored while I continue to plea for something I can do to make it better.  Make it all go away.

            I refuse the cool evening breeze for fear of mosquitoes buzzing and feeding.  Though his blood was shed for me.

            I look away from young sweet faces framed after my own and focus instead on a lifeless world of intangible.  Yet he gave up being God to become on of these for me.

            What do I risk compared to God?

            Release.  Let it go.  Surrender it.  Risk it all.  He can handle the responsibility so much better than I can.  Perhaps, like Satan I am jealous of God’s ability to do all things perfectly.  Well, perfectly for Him.   But I want it to revolve around me.  Perfect becomes relative, fluid, and flowing.  I know what’s best for me.  I know my own mind, don’t I?

            But I only know the present.  The past becomes cloudy and the future is a thick fog.  I only know my place, right here where I am standing with my hand on my hips and my hips cocked to one side.  I only see what’s in front of me, through my glass frames in the spectrum of visible light.  And it goes on. My hearing, touch, smell: all of it fragmented and weak in comparison.

            My idea of best is easy and sunny and warm and joyful, and, and.  My idea of best is limited.  I am confined by “possible.”  Limited by human fault and discord.  If only I could remember that I risk so much more by holding on to my life.  Who am I and what am I capable of that I would risk not giving it all to Him who loves me more than I love myself?

            Why do I drown out His loving offers with a steady, “mine, mine, mine”?  I can claim my fragile human faults or I can embrace them.  One makes excuses then keeps on doing what I was doing before.  The other, embracing…oh, that means dropping everything I have clung to and harbored.  I have to let it all fall in order to open my arms wide and instead hold tightly to my Savior.

just a touch of Fahrenheit 451

I had a very vivid nightmare the other night.  The plot of the dream was strikingly similar to that of the Hunger Games, but it involved my own children. 

I have to admit that I really do not care for the Hunger Games Trilogy.  All this time, I have tried so hard not to be biased against the books.  Many people liked the series and I wanted to give them a chance.  In truth, I can’t wait to have them out of my house. 

Not many books can affect me enough to give me nightmares.  I use to have reoccurring nightmares as a child.  If I wrote them out I could put Stephen King out of business.  So I consider myself pretty tough in the nightmare department.  This particular dream had me in tears.  Needless to say, I have decided that I need to officially let go of the books and stop writing about them.  

I am looking for a new series of books to begin writing about and I am open to suggestions.  Though I would appreciate no suggestions that involve children sacrificing themselves for each other or for the sport of others. 

For those of you who were so anxious for me to write about this series, I am very sorry. 

Mastermind Yaya

…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.                   Philippians 4:8

            The Bible is pretty clear that we are to distance ourselves from sin while at the same time draw nearer to God.  These days, I feel like I would have to drag my family off to live in a cave in some remote corner of the world in order to escape worldly influences.  Even then I would probably get some salesman on my door trying to sign me up for their cable/internet package.   Steering clear of sin is hard.  And that isn’t even taking into account the weakness of my own flesh and desires; greed, jealousy, anger, etc. 

            But the Bible offers hope too.  We are not without our weapons (Eph. 6:13-17).  We are not fighting alone (Luke 11:13).  We do not have to listen to what the world says either.  Philippians 4:8 can be applied to many areas of our life, but let’s take a look at what it has to offer when it comes to our menstrual cycle. 

            I heard a statistic some time ago (and I can not for the life of me remember where) that found that young girls who were raised to call their private parts by “silly” or nonsensical names, as opposed to their proper names, were more likely to be abused or taken advantage of sexually.  They theorized that the use of nonsensical names carried with it the idea of a joke or something funny.  After all, it’s so cute when little kids say “yaya” or “woohoo.”  The purpose of jokes is to share them and make others laugh.  The girls who grew up hearing and using the proper names for their private parts did not view them as funny or something to be shared; therefore it was reasoned, they were less likely to feel comfortable with situations or people that treated their bodies in this regard.  If they felt uncomfortable they were more likely to tell a trusted adult or simply walk away very early on.  What does this have to do with Philippians 4:8?  Well, how do you talk about your feminine nature, menstrual cycle, and God-created body?

            God calls us to master our thoughts, something MbHD does a wonderful job of addressing.  Many of us grown women did not receive a comprehensive education on our reproductive organs.  We know the basics.  We know that hormones are involved and the names of most of the organs involved.  Human beings have a tendency to fear or make fun of what we don’t understand.  If we don’t know the names for individual parts of our body, or we fear saying them in public, we might make up nonsensical names for them.  But if we continue on that path of ignorance/fear then we will quickly buy into the idea that our feminine nature, and body, is a curse.  It is a very short step from being cursed to being the victim. 

            Satan would love for us to see ourselves as victims of God’s cruel creation.  We are cursed with femininity.  It breaks my heart just to type those sentences.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139: 14).  We are blessed with these bodies.  We are blessed in our femininity.  True, there will be pain and suffering in life and that includes our menstrual cycle (some of us more than others).  But if we see ourselves as being cursed then we miss out on these opportunities to draw closer to God.  We miss out on seeing His strength in our weakness.

Modesty: Shopping Smarts

This is the second part of a series on Modesty by my guest, Kim Crawford.  Enjoy ~Tamara

Take a walk with me down the aisle at your local Kohl’s store. When you look around at the clothes for women and girls, would you say that they are designed to reveal the secrets of your beauty, or conceal them? I think we would all agree that the goal in modern apparel is to be revealing! So why does this matter for you and your girls?

According to Dannah Gresh, of Pure Freedom ministries, one of the top five factors for early sexual activity is, “a girl who looks older than she actually is. There is a strong case to argue that the end result of today’s immodest fashion is sexual promiscuity.”  I don't know about you, Mom, but my heart longs to protect my girls from the lifelong pain of premarital sexual involvement.

Here are some tools to consider when you are shopping for yourself and your daughters. May these aid you in your desire to help your daughter grow in purity and modesty.

Guidelines for choosing clothes

Attractive or Attracting?

Josh Harris hit the nail on the head in his book, Not Even a Hint, when he wrote that, “there is difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract."  Attractive clothing highlights your countenance instead of drawing attention to our body. Skimpy clothing is often thought as the antithesis of modesty. My husband would suggest that frumpy, baggy, and utterly outdated clothing that makes a woman look sloppy is also immodest. Modesty looks not to either of these extremes, but instead focuses on clothing that allows your inward beauty to shine.

Modesty Tests:

When I take my girls shopping, I have found these modesty tests to be helpful in evaluating our clothing choices. They put some fun into the process as well. (See all 8 tests at: http://purefreedom.org/media.htm)  Here are two examples:

• Raise and Praise: As you lift up your hands, if midriff shows, out it goes.

• I See London, I See France: When you bend over, is anything revealed that should stay hidden? (chest area, underwear).

Less is more
     As our culture continues down the road of blatant sensuality, modest clothing may become harder to find. Our family has come to the realization that trips to large national retail chains are usually unprofitable in our quest for modest clothing for our girls. As a result, we have modified our mindset: spending more on higher quality, but buying fewer items. Who needs an entire closet and dresser full of clothing anyway? This mindset doesn't have to break the bank either. A prime example of this would be Land’s End clothing that we purchase at Sears.


The Buck stops with Dad
     Unfortunately, most dads sit on the sidelines in regards to this area. Moms and daughters need to purposefully included dad in the decisions. See him as a coach, not an opponent. Dads will see clothing choices through the “male” perspective. Encourage him to be honest, and be willing to take back certain articles of clothing that set off a red flag in his mind. Speaking from experience, having my dad's input in my clothing choices growing up proved to be a huge blessing. His counsel helped me avoid many pitfalls that I would have unknowingly fallen into.  With these thoughts and perspectives in mind, may shopping for yourself and your daughters be an experience that you can now approach with excitement instead of trepidation.

By Kim Crawford

Mae Culpa

I had a plan for what to write about today.  I really did.  But a friend came up to me this last week and joked that my blog posts were convicting enough to make her feel like she was failing; she needs to delegate chores, learn something new for herself, and make time to go out with her husband.  I have had opportunity to get to know this family over the past two years and this mom is doing a wonderful job!  Her kids are polite, very knowledgeable, and get along well with others.  This mom is hospitable and always seems to have an uncluttered home.  (Bet she is blushing a bit right now, but it is true.)  I vacillated between feeling bad that I could make such a woman feel inadequate and laughing that once I again I had “labeled” someone as one of those women who have it all together just to find out that is not how they see themselves.

Then I had the idea to post some pictures of my messy house but it was my hubby’s birthday this weekend and the house is pretty clean because we had guests.   I wouldn’t want to give you the wrong idea with pictures of my uncluttered home.  Usually my home is a mess!  I fail on a daily basis; frequently by the hour, and sometimes by the minute.  I can’t sit here and type to you all the answers on raising our daughters to be wise enough because I am still going through this struggle with you. 

My oldest daughter informed me that I needed to make more mistakes.  She mumbled through her tears that I was always right and she was too frustrated with me to listen.  I could have taken this in a most exalted of fashions.  Ha ha, you admit I am smarter than you so you remember this next time I tell you to do something you don’t want to do!  Instead my first thought (thank you, Lord) was to feel shame.  I mess up all the time.  I get it wrong.  I lose my temper.  I don’t want to get down on my knees and play imaginary games with action figures.  I hide in my computer screen instead of reading out loud to my kids.  I miss opportunities to pray. 

I felt ashamed that I was so good at explaining my sins away.  I felt bad that I was so fallen yet so revered by my most astute child.  I get away with it.  I have managed to hide many of my sins from my children.  That isn’t necessarily a good thing.  I don’t want them to think that my fallen behavior is normal or something to aspire to.  I want my daughters to forgive my mistakes but to try to rise above them in such a way that they are better mothers than I have been. 

I don’t think I am a bad mom.  I hope I get it right often enough to be a really good mom, but I am not perfect.  I don’t glow in the dark.  I can’t walk on water.  I want my daughters to see these imperfections and love me in spite of them.  I want my daughters to experience giving unconditional love. 

We all wear masks in our daily life.  The masks change depending on the people we are with, but they are there.  Our masks are the lies we tell ourselves and the assumptions we want others to make about us.  God sees through all this to the heart.  You will fail…it is unavoidable.  But we have a perfect Christ who forgives our failures.  We don’t have to walk on water because he already did it for us.  We have to trust in him and do our best to learn from our mistakes and pick ourselves up when we fail.  So that is my post for today, mistakes and all.

Fear of Getting Burned (Hunger Games 2)

But why would it seem attractive to be untouchable? 

1.      Isolation is protection from hurt feelings and disappointment.  It is harder to hurt someone if they don’t need anything from you, and even more so, if you might actually need them. 

2.      This also means never having to say you are sorry or be weak enough to have to ask for forgiveness. 

3.      Emotional distance can seems like protection from the sometimes wild mood swings produced by hormones and new thinking processes in adolescence. 

4.      It is a position of power to be untouchable; you are pursued, but not the pursuer.  Someone who is untouchable is self-reliant, “strong,” and often “the rebel.”   These are all admirable traits in America.

5.      Emotional distance is seen as a necessary part of being objective about a situation and therefore, able to see what others who are more biased can not see.  I would love to look at how our current culture portrays those who are very smart.  I think most of them would be social inept and rather cold-hearted.

When I wrote about the Twilight series, I examined what it was about the stories that filled such a God-shaped need, albeit in a very non-God-like form.  Perhaps the reason that the Hunger Games is not such a popular series with adults is that most adults have learned that being alone and distant from human relationships is not all that it is cracked up to be.  The adolescent draw to the Hunger Games series isn’t so much about meeting an unfilled need but about belief in a lie.

The NIV Bible’s only use of the word isolation (because “emotionally distant” is more likely to be found in The Message) is in Leviticus in reference to those who are sick and contagious.  The Bible states many times that we do not live alone.  For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  Romans 14:7,8.  Even if we choose not to focus on the church body, local community, or families we do still live in relationship to God.  The relationship might be mostly one-sided on God’s part as He tries to win our hearts, but we are not isolated. 

The lie we believe is that emotional distance provides protection, perspective, and power.  This is whispered in our ears with racy song lyrics that mock love; books with strong solitary heroes; pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps attitudes; the American dream of self-reliance; and a culture that has cheapened commitment and canonized self-absorption.  When I do not feel it is safe or good to be “emotionally available” then I am more likely to increase my focus on self-reliance.  The more I rely on myself, the less I will rely on God.  Satan would love for me to decide that relationships are more trouble than they are worth and I am better off not needing anyone. 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.   And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’   All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

We must fight against this cultural belief in the lie that makes being emotionally distant attractive.  How can I love (the greatest commandment!) if I work hard to disconnect my emotions and myself from relationships? 

To delegate or not…that is the question.

A mom’s life is so busy that we can be tempted to give more time and energy to our short-term goals, like a clean(ish) home, than to the bigger long term goals.  It is easier to do certain chores around the house myself.  I can get the job done better and faster than my children.  This frees me up for the next emergent situation or task on my list.  But I need to think it through from a long term perspective.  Imagine with me…

            Your daughter has grown into a wonderful young lady and has found the man of her dreams to marry.  There is a beautiful and very touching ceremony but it isn’t long after the honeymoon that your daughter starts calling you in tears.  Her new husband (whom you found bright and charming) doesn’t have a clue how to do his own laundry.  He looks at her like she is speaking a foreign language when she asks him to clean up the bathroom.  He doesn’t know where to start.  In fact, he kinda grumbles about any household chores.  Your daughter sobs that she feels more like his mother than his wife. 

Now in your imagination, reverse that situation.  Your future son-in-law is calling his mom up to complain about your darling daughter regarding the exact same things. 

It might be harder and more time consuming to show your daughters how to go about doing chores around the house, but in the long run they (and you) will be better off for it.  I can not imagine if I had to keep up this house, school three children, take care of shopping, cooking, writing this blog, etc. all on my own.  The American myth of Supermom who can be all things to all people is a crippling lie. 

This same short-term thinking can effect how we discipline our daughters.  Are we so caught up in stopping the immediate actions of our daughters that we discipline their behavior instead of trying to reach their hearts?  Do we ignore an annoying or rude behavior until we get so frustrated we react in anger?  There are some great books out on trying to reach a child’s heart (which will in turn change their behavior on a much more consistent basis). 

If you aren’t sure where to start or what chores it would be reasonable to expect of them, I highly recommend 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home: Household tested and proven effective! Techniques, tips, tricks, and strategies on how to get your kids to share ... become self-reliant, responsible adults by Bonnie McCullough.  She goes through what chores you could introduce based on age and ability.  She also gives different tips, motivational methods, and systems to help with problem areas you might have in your home.

We need to realize when our focus on accomplishing the short-term goals can rob our daughters of learning accountability.  Our daughters will one day be accountable to a boss, husband, church family, and more importantly, God.  It is our jobs as mothers to take that extra time to discipline their hearts or show them again and again (and again) how to do chores around the house.  We are teaching them responsibility when we do this.  You can be very knowledgeable about many things, but if you do not have responsibility then your ability to discern how and when to use that knowledge will be severely hindered. 

My [daughter], do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a [mother] the [daughter she] delights in.  Proverbs 3:11,12

In regard to a wicked man: He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.  Proverbs 5:23

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.    Proverbs 6:6-8

Playing with Fire

You can’t touch fire.  In fact, fire has the nasty habit of destroying anything too close to it.  The heroine of The Hunger Games series is Katniss, “The Girl On Fire”.  One comment I have frequently heard when comparing this series with the Twilight books is the strength of the lead character Katniss compared to the clingy, boy-focused Bella.  Katniss isn’t just stronger physically; her greatest asset seems to be her tough emotional shell.  Just like every other fictional heroine, Katniss’s life prepared her to face the challenges in this story.  So what is it about her life that has isolated Katniss into a young girl with commitment issues?

In the world of this story life is hard.  You have to scrounge for food to keep from starving.  Katniss’s father (who died in a mining accident before the story even begins) was a great hunter and he apparently lived long enough to pass a great deal of this on to Katniss.  Katniss loved her father.  They understood each other and were quite close.  Katniss is not particularly close to her mother (who is never named), and when her father dies the nameless mother slips into a depression so deep that Katniss must become her father and provide for the family.  The only emotional connections left to young Katniss are those between her and her sister, Prim, and to her hunting partner, the handsome Gale.  Katniss must be strong, not only because she has no one looking out for her, but because she is responsible for the lives of her mother and little sister. 

Katniss has a difficult time understanding why the adults in her world silence her complaints and observations about life under the rule of the Capital.  She appears to mistake the adult’s lack of hope (their silence) as blindness.  Her character is presented as being lonely in her discernment of the Capital and its oppression.  She can relax and speak her mind with her friend Gale, but she is also becoming aware of his attraction to her, a thing she is not exactly happy about.  Katniss does not express this sentiment until later in the story, but she seems to not want to fall in love because love leads to marriage…and children.  Katniss does not want to watch her own children go through the reaping or the Hunger Games.  Again, this isn’t explained until much later in the books; however, in the beginning Katniss is clear that she does not want or need a romantic relationship. 

Katniss does have an emotional weak spot; she is a sucker for someone who needs her protection.  The only characters Katniss forms any attachments to are all ones that rely on her to protect them like Prim and Rue.  It isn’t until Peeta actually needs Katniss’s help in the Games (up until then he had been protecting her) that Katniss’s character shows some stirrings of feelings for him.  She fights these feelings and is, of course, clueless as to what they mean to her.  In the last book Katniss overhears Gale’s brilliant observation to Peeta that Katniss will ultimately choose whichever of them needs her protection most.  She might be a hunter and ultimately capable of cold-blooded murder, but she loves to rescue the strays and runts of humanity. 

Katniss is untouchable.  She thinks she doesn’t need help from others so it takes her a while to notice when someone is helping her.  She is also bitter and broken by the end of the books.  She has won a battle she never wanted to fight for people she didn’t know or care about.  Everyone she did care for is either dead, far away, or as broken as her.  The author ends the books with the idea that the world will be better for Katniss’s unwilling sacrifices.

Next Friday: Why is being untouchable so attractive to our daughters?

Wisdom's vitality

Wisdom is expensive.  It costs you something to become wise; perhaps a comfort or something you were use to having or doing.  Yet how often do we get on our knees and pray “Lord, give me your wisdom,” not really understanding that cost?  I am sure I could stuff myself full of knowledge.  I could fill my children's heads with facts and figures.  I can ensure that they have a lexicon of scripture from which to draw.  None of these things alone will bring wisdom. 

What is Wisdom?  Why is it so vital that my daughter has it?

Wisdom is the ability to discern, use good judgment, be perceptive, be insightful, truly understand, see the big picture, see through to the heart of the matter, sift through the lies, use logic, and think objectively.

Without wisdom our daughters would:

• believe any telemarketer or commercial
• fall prey to worldly predators (and teenage boys too!)
• lose themselves in the Hollywood dream of what romance looks like
• be labeled naive and gullible
• basically get crushed by the world

I imagine you have already had opportunity to discuss with your daughter that, "No, the toy doesn't really do that when you get it home.  They just make it look that way in the commercial so you will want to buy it."  But have you had the conversation that starts out, "I would love to know what you think of [insert latest best-marketed book here]," and been prepared with some revealing questions you could ask when your daughter mumbles, "I dunno,"? 

Wisdom is necessary for daily life, not just for shopping and figuring out boys.  Wisdom is the choices you make about the little daily stuff when no one is looking.  But wisdom doesn't just happen.  The thing is, you have to go looking for wisdom and it's a life-long journey.  Becoming wise can't be an afterthought. 

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.   Proverbs 4:23

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.    James 1:5

...for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; ³ for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair; ⁴ for giving prudence to those who are simple, knowledge and discretion to the young— ⁵ let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance— ⁶ for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.    Proverbs 1:2-6