Playing with Fire

You can’t touch fire.  In fact, fire has the nasty habit of destroying anything too close to it.  The heroine of The Hunger Games series is Katniss, “The Girl On Fire”.  One comment I have frequently heard when comparing this series with the Twilight books is the strength of the lead character Katniss compared to the clingy, boy-focused Bella.  Katniss isn’t just stronger physically; her greatest asset seems to be her tough emotional shell.  Just like every other fictional heroine, Katniss’s life prepared her to face the challenges in this story.  So what is it about her life that has isolated Katniss into a young girl with commitment issues?

In the world of this story life is hard.  You have to scrounge for food to keep from starving.  Katniss’s father (who died in a mining accident before the story even begins) was a great hunter and he apparently lived long enough to pass a great deal of this on to Katniss.  Katniss loved her father.  They understood each other and were quite close.  Katniss is not particularly close to her mother (who is never named), and when her father dies the nameless mother slips into a depression so deep that Katniss must become her father and provide for the family.  The only emotional connections left to young Katniss are those between her and her sister, Prim, and to her hunting partner, the handsome Gale.  Katniss must be strong, not only because she has no one looking out for her, but because she is responsible for the lives of her mother and little sister. 

Katniss has a difficult time understanding why the adults in her world silence her complaints and observations about life under the rule of the Capital.  She appears to mistake the adult’s lack of hope (their silence) as blindness.  Her character is presented as being lonely in her discernment of the Capital and its oppression.  She can relax and speak her mind with her friend Gale, but she is also becoming aware of his attraction to her, a thing she is not exactly happy about.  Katniss does not express this sentiment until later in the story, but she seems to not want to fall in love because love leads to marriage…and children.  Katniss does not want to watch her own children go through the reaping or the Hunger Games.  Again, this isn’t explained until much later in the books; however, in the beginning Katniss is clear that she does not want or need a romantic relationship. 

Katniss does have an emotional weak spot; she is a sucker for someone who needs her protection.  The only characters Katniss forms any attachments to are all ones that rely on her to protect them like Prim and Rue.  It isn’t until Peeta actually needs Katniss’s help in the Games (up until then he had been protecting her) that Katniss’s character shows some stirrings of feelings for him.  She fights these feelings and is, of course, clueless as to what they mean to her.  In the last book Katniss overhears Gale’s brilliant observation to Peeta that Katniss will ultimately choose whichever of them needs her protection most.  She might be a hunter and ultimately capable of cold-blooded murder, but she loves to rescue the strays and runts of humanity. 

Katniss is untouchable.  She thinks she doesn’t need help from others so it takes her a while to notice when someone is helping her.  She is also bitter and broken by the end of the books.  She has won a battle she never wanted to fight for people she didn’t know or care about.  Everyone she did care for is either dead, far away, or as broken as her.  The author ends the books with the idea that the world will be better for Katniss’s unwilling sacrifices.

Next Friday: Why is being untouchable so attractive to our daughters?

Fictional Friday 1 (into the Hunger Games)

Gale, Prim, Coin, Effie, Kat, Snow, Boggs, Saliva, Cinna, Beetee, Wiress, Chaff, Rue…Nope, you aren’t at a Hippie Convention.  These are the names of characters in the Hunger Games series. 

The Hunger Games series does not have the same draw with adults that the Twilight and Harry Potter series seem to have.  However, many public schools (at least three districts where I live) have it as required reading for a class, so many middle school and junior high school students have read them.  I’ll start with a brief summary of the series for the moms who haven’t read the books. *Beware, spoilers ahead*

Katniss is the main character throughout the series.  She is tough, emotionally distant, and generally clueless about her own power throughout the story line.  She gets stuck in a love triangle with Gale and Peeta (the first is the home-town hunter and the second competes in the Games with Katniss).  Death hangs over her head in various manners in each of the stories.  She triumphs despite incredible odds against her.

The books are centered around a future society where the government rules by fear.  Two children, one boy and one girl, from each of the 12 districts are chosen at random each year to compete in The Hunger Games (hence the title).  The Hunger Games are basically ancient Roman gladiator games; you can attract sponsors who will give you gifts that will help you, you have to kill your opponents, the “coliseum” is rigged with deadly traps to make things interesting.  Most importantly, this is all done for the amusement of the Capital.  The prize won by the district with the last child alive is an increase in food, thus less of their citizens will die of hunger that year. 

The second book is again a competition in the “coliseum” but with adults (some very old) and our young protagonists.  The third book is the rebel’s fight against the Capital.  Katniss is dragged into the rebel’s fight and made into their propaganda tool.  In the end, the rebels win (using horrible methods) and Katniss is in a position to take out their ruthless leader…which she does. 

I am oversimplifying quite a bit, but I wanted to give you a foundation to stand on so that as we look at this more in depth you have an idea of what is going on.  Some of the topics we will be looking at are:

• Sacrifice
• Humility
• Love (Romance)
• Family relations
• Gender Roles
• Trust (Peers and Adults)
• Isolation (Loneliness and Abandonment)
• Death (Fear of and Fascination with)
• Power
• Destiny/Luck

I can not say that I liked these books much.  My emotional reaction when reading the books was generally cranky and sad.  My kids didn’t like talking to me when I was reading them. J  I do see a few positive elements in the stories.  There were some nicely handled themes of a strong physical community, the manipulation of media, and the need to see the real truth. 

I would love to hear from others on these books!  There are not as many forums and the forums out there are not very busy.  I would love to hear what you enjoyed about each character you liked.  How did you feel about the killing in the books?  What were your favorite scenes in the book?  Why would you recommend these books to someone else?

Twilight Tuesday 9 (The desire for "more than this ordinary life")

The need for a quest or mystery to give us purpose is not a uniquely feminine quality.  Being Christian does not diminish our Humanity.  We long to be a part of something great and important; to have value in this mortal coil.  But a strong relationship with God, a necessary component of living God’s plan for us, is all about surrendering to God.  Being in a stage of rebellion makes it difficult to see the advantages of surrendering to anyone. 

            The purpose in our hearts for something “more than this” life is our subconscious knowledge that this world is lacking something.  We can reject God’s purpose for us as the Pharisees did (Luke 7:30).  We can work against God’s purpose, either out of ignorance or desire for our own will, but His plan will always win out (Acts 5:38).  We quickly question God’s plan when we feel God has denied us something we think we need.  We need to share with our daughters the prayers we are grateful that God didn’t answer the way we wanted Him to.  Mothers have the pressure of being a role model when it comes to living a life with purpose for God.  Not that your daughter can’t see you struggle, but she needs to at least see conviction through your actions that it is a struggle worth having.  I wrestle with this in my own life.  Trust me, writing this article has been a huge wake up call for my parenting skills.   And you never get it right all the time.  I would settle for almost half of the time!

God tells us, unmistakably, the path he wants us to walk (obedience isn’t just for our children), but he doesn’t force us.  We are not puppets on a string.  Puppets are never the heroines in the story because there can be no courage or sacrifice without first having free will.  Our created purpose is to worship Him though.  We are to have no other gods before God (Ex. 20:3). 

We can turn to Romans 12:2 for inspiration that we do not have to be removed from the world, but we do have to find the will to not be conformed to it.  Following God’s plan to give us “more than this” can cost us in worldly terms; friends, money, respect.  I know it was hard for me when I was a teen to grasp the long-term perspective of my heavenly reward for following God’s adventure.  I didn’t have enough years then to see value to benefits I would not receive for many years. 

God’s will for our lives, to reflect His glory, does not sound very glamorous to today’s satisfaction-soaked youth.  But the world knows how to grab our daughters’ hearts.  The world talks about princesses, true-love, and beauty (warped as the standard may be).   As mothers and as Christians, we need to remind our daughters that they are already the child of a King.  They are princesses in a drama that will allow them to be heroes, if they would just be open to the possibility.

Twilight Tuesday 8 (A Grand Destiny)

In the Twilight series, Bella is an ordinary girl, with brown hair and a tendency to bump into things and fall.  Of course, young girls want to be Bella!  You can be desirable in all these ordinary ways and find out that you aren’t so ordinary after all.  Bella was born to be an eternally beautiful, filthy rich, globe trotting vampire with a husband who is just as obsessed with her as she is with him.  We want to be surprised one day that our days of mundane life have paid off in such a way too!  She didn’t have to study for years to get these things.  She didn’t have to work for it or gain life experience for years before it was an option.  All Bella had to do was be a “good” average person; she moves to her dad’s house as a kindness to her mother, though her mother doesn’t know it, and finds the fulfillment for her life. 

            What Edward can offer your daughter is eternal youth and devastating good-looks.  She will become hotter than a super model without having to diet and work out.  Edward has endless time, money, and energy to offer for the adventure.  He is older and more mature despite his youthful appearance.  He is the ultimate sugar daddy without the weird Oedipal/Electra complex. 

            The exciting action of this series isn’t simply how a vegetarian vampire or a reluctant werewolf woos a young human girl with “no natural instinct for self-preservation.”  There are numerous times when lives are at stake (no pun intended).   In the Twilight series, Heroism means to dodge danger with no fear to yourself but a complete focus on others’ lives.  Selfishness is not a quality tolerated well by characters in these books.  But what gives meaning to the characters’ lives is primarily based in their relationships (this is at its heart, a romance series). 

Twilight Tuesday (Beauty Part Two)

When God was creating the world it was not complete until Eve, His last creation that week, was in it.   Then it wasn’t just good, it was very good.  Women were made to show the world God’s beauty.  “Beauty is essential to God.  No- that’s not putting it strongly enough.  Beauty is the essence of God, (Captivating, 34).  In a culture that values material gains you can lose sight of beauty in the search for usefulness.  But Eve was radiant and so are our daughters.

 

      One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

                                                            Psalm 27:4

God’s beauty is mirrored in nature around us and in us.  Beauty is both our physical appearance and our inward character.  While you may have one or the other, your soul still longs for both.  It is okay mom, if you are just now learning about your own beauty.  Let your daughter see your joy in discovering how God sees you.  Our worldview shapes our experiences so change your own point of view and experience the difference it makes.

When you are anxious what calms you?  Many people visualize a “happy place,” that is calm, quiet, and…beautiful.  Beauty makes us slow down so we can enjoy all its aspects. 

Beauty is rarely simple; and women are anything but simple.  Women’s brains process information differently than men’s.  God is not within our power to analyze or explain, neither is a woman.  God is meant to be enjoyed and appreciated just for being, so is a woman.  Our daughters desire to be a beauty that inspires time and understanding. 

Women learn in their teens to become artists at using their appearance to tell something about themselves without saying a word.  We become performers in the world so we will be chosen by those around us.  But God already sees our beauty.  Not only does He think we are beautiful (our mother thinks that too) but He sees our beauty.  When the world tells us we are beautiful (or not) we are unfulfilled because God did not create us so that the world could tell us we were beautiful, but so we would see ourselves as God does.  “You want to be beautiful to someone- anyone,” (The Divine Dance, 15).  When our daughters miss out on the beauty in themselves, they miss out on the beauty in God.  Talk about being made for more than this world!  Have you heard about the brilliance of heaven?  Jewels and gold.  God wants to show the world His beauty through our daughters, but first He has to remove the world’s tarnish and glitter from their eyes.

Twilight Tuesday 6 "Beauty"

Beauty is rampant throughout the Twilight series.  The vampires are beautiful.  Bella is beautiful.  The scenery is beautiful.  The average classmates are even pretty good-looking.  It isn’t the beauty that holds your attention though.  Bella is amazingly unaware of how distinctly feminine she is; this makes her even more attractive.  She is somewhat plain in looks with nice hair and eyes, hides in her clothing rather than showing off her figure, abhors a fuss being made over her, thoughtful of others, quick to forgive, and endearingly clumsy.  She gets a bit whiney, I’ll grant you that, but no one is perfect. 

Bella’s beauty almost seems to come from within more than from without.  She is a blank canvas for girls to paint themselves into the story.  Edward is drawn to her initially for her scent and the intrigue of not being able to read her mind.  Jacob is at first attracted to her looks but falls in love with healing her broken heart.  Bella is quiet, shy, and humble; qualities women know are attractive and wish we emulated more.  And it certainly is nice to have a heroine with no eating disorders, or obsessions with looks and fashion. 

But have you noticed how often young girls are angry at Bella?  Have you seen the forums where women of all ages talk about killing Bella in order to free Edward up?  Our daughters might connect with Bella’s plain-Jane beauty, but they are passionately unforgiving of her for it as well.  They ridicule her for an unrealistic denial of her own power.  Our daughters know that if the world was as aware of their beauty as Bella’s world obviously is of hers; they would see that and take joy in it, not hide from it.  They don’t just want to super-impose themselves onto Bella’s character.  It isn’t enough to simply replace her in the story.  Bella needs to be taken down a peg or two in the process.

Bella does not work at being beautiful.  She doesn’t pay for an expensive perfume that drives Edward crazy (quite literally), she just happens to smell that way naturally.  Bella’s physical beauty is effortless.  Her beauty also does not have much to do with sex appeal.  Gotta say…I love that aspect.  Bella’s attempts to be “sexy” are described in an almost comical fashion despite the fact they do appear to work as intended.

Bella could use her beauty as a source of power over others, like that popular human boy old-what’s-his-name.  She does not capitalize on her beauty and in fact seems to be embarrassed by it.  Bella’s beauty does put limits on her having female companions, but as a loner, Bella doesn’t seem to overly mind this. 

In all, Bella is a whiney, feminine, unaware, natural beauty.  Sounds like a stereo-typical teenage girl.

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father’s house.  The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.     Psalm 45: 10,11

Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor.  So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings.    Ezekiel 28:17 (emphasis mine)

Write the Next Bestselling Youth Fiction

I just finished reading The Hunger Games this week.  And I wanted to let you know that there is a formula to writing these bestselling novels aimed at youth.  Tell you what, I’ll share it with you and if you happen to get rich off it…make sure you donate a lot to charity.

Let’s use the following book series for examples:Harry Potter (HP), Percy Jackson (PJ), Twilight (T), and Hunger Games (HG).  There are three fairly distinct characters and a couple plot lines necessary for this formula.

First you need a main character that is attractive but not beautiful or jaw-droppingly handsome.  That character can’t know that they are attractive to others which results in humorous foot-in-mouth moments when they think someone is insulting them but they are really getting a compliment.  The biggest reason the character has to have less than stellar looks is that they have to invisible enough for the reader to put themselves in the main character’s place.  This main character is witty in their own mind but usually says the right thing out loud only by accident.  They require at least one exaggerated character flaw; Bella (T) is clumsy, Harry (HP) is socially unprepared to live in the wizard world, Percy (PJ) has dyslexia and ADHD, Katniss (HG) is socially clueless and distant.  The main character must have a tragic childhood that inadvertently prepares them to handle the present task, but at the same time they were “born to…” whatever it is that needs solved.  They must also be emotionally tough, prematurely mature, and a bit distant from the people around them.  No one understands what it is like to be them.  They are all unnaturally talented at something: Bella can block with her mind, Harry calls up great Patronus, Percy has a combination of brains and brawn, and Katniss excels at hunting (especially with a bow and arrow).  Lastly, these main characters seem to attract danger like a light attracts moths.

Next, you have the main character’s love interest.  I should say the main character’s main love interest because a love triangle is another necessary component.  This love interest is desired by others (usually because of looks and manners) but only has eyes for the main character: Edward (T) is handsome, rich, a gentleman, etc.; Ginny (HP) is beautiful and loyal;  Annabeth (PJ) is super smart and pretty; Peeta (HG) is strong, good-looking, and a gentleman (start to see the pattern?).  Of course your main character can’t believe it right off the bat.  It takes time for the main character to come around to the idea that they are desirable.  The love interest either trusts the main character or comes to learn that they should because the main character is right so often.  The male love interests are very protective of the main character and the female love interests are generally smart in addition to pretty.  The love interest also has to willingly sacrifice them self for the main character at least once in the story; not that they have to die, but they do go out of their way to put them self in danger to protect the main character.

The last of the three characters is the best friends forever (BFF) with a generous helping of quirky side-kick.  The BFF is funny out loud and extremely loyal to the main character; though they have to have one big fight where you despair that the main character has lost their best ally.  The BFF is not quite as talented as the main character and is therefore more of a shadow that helps out and tries not to get in the way.  Bella has Jacob (oh, love triangle twist).  Harry has Ron.  Percy has Grover.  Katniss has Gale, then Rue, then Peeta (another love triangle twist). 

Two main plot lines that must be present: you can’t trust adults and an environment that can’t or doesn’t exist today.  The only adults that can be trusted in the books are the ones who rely on the main character to save them (and the world) from the present situation: Carlise (T) is really old but not very authoritative, Professor Dumbledore (HP) bends all the rules for Harry, Chiron (PJ) defers to Percy, and Cinna (HG) is a traitor to his own government to help Katniss.  The parents are all dead or incapable of helping their children.

All the books expect Hunger Games, have a supernatural element to them; vampire, werewolves, wizard, trolls, Greek gods, and centaurs.  The Hunger Games does have extreme violence instead of magic to raise it out of the common ordinary every day environment.

Now you can go out and write the next youth novel that will be flying off the shelves!  Just don’t forget to donate to charity. ;)

Twilight Tuesday (on a Wednesday) 5

Thanks for giving me the extra day to post this week.  I am feeling much better and I am able to see today. :)

Adolescents will begin to realize that relationships are more complex than they had previously thought.  Perhaps they start to see that all the “popular” kids have some similarities; character traits or materials possessions.  Our daughters may not voice the words but a struggle to understand power begins before they become adults.  Who has power?  Why do they have it?  How can I get it?  As intuitively as this seems to happen, what most youth are missing is what power struggles have to do with why they are drawn to certain types of fiction. 

There are multiple layers of hierarchy in the world; power and respect are a result of these layers.  When we talk respectfully to or about our elders or bosses, we model to our daughters.  When we discipline our daughters in love over our concern for their character, rather than in anger to stop them from annoying us, we need to point out that we are obeying the hierarchy that God has set before us.  I know that it was a great break-through for my daughter and I when I showed her some carefully screened pages of my girlhood journal.  She was encouraged to see that I struggled with many of the same things that make her angry or frustrated.  I suppose she thought if I could turn out alright, she would do fine too.  When we allow our daughters to see our reconciliation with God or others, we demonstrate the importance of our submission to proper hierarchies. 

It does seem to be almost a teenage rite of passage to go through a stage where you are firmly convinced you are more mature and wise than your parents give you credit for; you are not an average teen and they are holding you back.  In general, I would agree with this assessment (read Do Hard Things to see what I mean) but unfortunately our culture is not set up to reward teens who do rise up to demonstrate true maturity.  Our daughters may not realize that they will be drawn to fiction that idealizes that which they can control, such as self-sufficiency, or that takes the control out of anyone’s hands, such as luck. 

This rebellion from “oppressive” authority easily mirrors the one we will continue to have with God the rest of our lives.  We will go through stages of questioning why prayers weren’t answered the way we thought they should go, why we are in a particular season in life we don’t like, or become impatient for God to answer (we’ve been praying for days/weeks now!).  Adults are not immune to rebellion and we often think we know better than God about when or what is to be done.  Have patience with your daughter and love her through her rebellion knowing that God is doing the same for you. 


 

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise you.     Psalm 71:5,6

Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.     Romans 13:7

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.     1 Peter 3:15,16

Twilight Tuesday 4

I wanted to switch from taking about the romantic aspects of Twilight to the use of power and respect.  You won’t find much romance in the popular youth fiction that is geared toward young men (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, etc).  You will, however, find these same themes of who has respect/power and how they use it. 

The heroine of the Twilight series is an amazingly self-sufficient young girl.  Bella is the parent in her relationship with both her mom and her dad.  She protects them from themselves as much as she does from her vampire friends.  She cooks and cleans for them and seems to never really need anything from her parents.  Bella has the emotional maturity to be self-sacrificing for her mother’s needs and her father’s physical safety.   In the family hierarchy, she is above their concerns.  Bella’s parents respect her maturity and rely on her more than they know. 

Getting into action and danger of the series, Bella is put in the predicament of having to protect her father or mother from marauding vampires on several different occasions.  Bella’s methods are to keep her family in the dark about what is going on by giving them half truths and in one case, brutally lying to her father in such a way as to intentionally cause him great pain.  Bella’s scheme to keep her father out of danger is to shield him from a truth he couldn’t handle (but she can) and lie to him.   She also tells him a lie that is meant to cause him enough hurt that he will not follow her.  This is a wonderful example of love and parent/child roles!  Ok, maybe not but compare this to Edward’s coven family, who is on the adventures, can empathize with her, and can protect her.    

Bella’s peers are either beguiled by her beauty, wisdom, and maturity or they envy it.  Adults in the series do not fare much better.  Bella is isolated physically and emotionally from her family and peers at the same time that she is drawn into an ideal family (complete with a cranky older sister). 

Another key theme of power in the series centers around the second book in which Bella is in such a depressed state she can’t even contemplate suicide because that would mean she was alive enough to think about ending her life.  I am frankly surprised, but encouraged, not to see “Edwardesque” rehabilitation and recovery centers opening up for teens who become walking zombies when their true love leaves them.  Bella’s depression is a heart-wrenching challenge to her dad and to Jacob, and her emotional state controls those around her. 

In short, the adults in this series hold no power while the youth in the story are in complete control.  I suppose you could argue that the hundred-year-old vampires are adults, but with their eternal youth and perpetual high school careers they get grouped with the younger crowd.  Respect is not earned; you are either born with it or bitten into it. 

Twilight Tuesday 3

I have been using the Twilight books as an example, but honestly, these same issues can relate to so many books out there.  Romance is not a topic exclusive to the Twilight series.  We have discussed how romance is portrayed in these books and have talked briefly about why God gave young girls that craving for romance; now what can we, as moms, do with that?  How does that effect our parenting?  What questions can we be asking to draw our daughters into the conversation?

            We can start by reading the same books, occasionally listening to the same music (heavy metal might be hard to take on a regular basis), and basically knowing what other forms of media your daughter is taking in.  I have a hard time keeping up with my eldest’s reading list but I do my best, and I rely on good review websites to help me out.  I really like the TeenLitReview blog and Focus on the Family has some decent reviews on books as well.  Screenit.com is wonderful for a detailed analysis of movies; scary scenes, smoking and drug use, swearing, jump scenes, etc.  The site is not Christian, but my husband and I use it before we go to movies now too. 

            Music gets a bit trickier for our family.  We love a wide variety of music and sometimes it is hard to find reviews of secular music that include the kind of information we would want to know before buying it.  I am stuck with listening to it online if I can find it and then we tend to buy songs individually instead of whole albums.  I would be happy to hear of any resources you have in this area.

            We have software on all our computers to block unwanted websites and it even blocks most ads that we would find inappropriate.  It helps that my husband is a computer guy so there is no way our kids could become proficient at hiding their internet history from us.   Let your kids know the standards you set for yourself, especially if they are the same you would set for them.  Because I have a website I get a fair amount of junk email that makes it through the spam filter.  My daughters know that when I am checking my email I don’t want them looking over my shoulder.  I don’t want to see some of the titles of the emails I get, so I definitely don’t want them to see it either.

            So now that we know what our daughters are consuming from the media, what do we do with that information?  Lock them away!  Ok, that won’t work.  I would suggest finding ways to talk about the books, music, whatever in a way that allows your daughter to share her thoughts and feeling with you.  If you don’t have a relationship with your daughter where you actually talk to each other, that might be a better place to start, but I am going to assume that we all have at least that much.  Your daughter doesn’t have to be an official teen to start these conversations.  The Disney Princesses will give you all the fodder, oops, material you need to discuss romance with a younger girl. 

            What kinds of questions?  I would suggest questions where your daughter can’t answer “yes” or “no.”  You will start to get some great insight into your daughter’s preferred love language that way.

• How is [insert character’s name here] being romanced?  How would you respond if you were being wooed this way?
• If you could put yourself in any relationship in the book, which one would you pick?  Why?
• Is there a beauty who tames the beast in this story?  If so, who is it and how do they tame the beast?  Is this possible in real life? (i.e. a person’s smell can not be realistically described as being addictive unless you are a vampire)
• (For a younger girl)  Do you think [character’s name] feels loved by [prince what’s his name]?  Would you feel loved if you were them?
• (For a younger girl) Which character would you like to be?  Why?

Knowing your daughter’s preferred love language would definitely be helpful.  Not only does it give you the opportunity to demonstrate positive expressions of love that she will be drawn to; but it will also help you to see how she is expressing her love to you.  Perhaps her way of showing love is to give gifts and she makes you all kinds of crafts that litter the house.  Heaven forbid you should ever throw one away!  You now realize you need a plan to accept her gifts in a way that doesn’t make her feel rejected but also keeps your house uncluttered.  Our love languages for giving and receiving can be very different.  It helps to know how to reach your daughter’s heart in order to direct it in paths of discernment.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 3:5

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.    Song of Solomon 8:4

Twilight Tuesday 2

What is it about the Twilight series that is so intoxicating to girls and women alike?  God made woman, whether young or old, for his own purposes and with qualities to enable those purposes.  As I pointed out in Wooing Wisdom, romance creates a feeling of value in women.   Women, no matter what age, will equate pursuit of our time and attention with a feeling of safety.   Bella is pursued in a “loving” way by so many characters in the books that it would be impossible not to feel wanted, adored, and…safe.  God created us to be the moon to His sun; to reflect a need for relationship.  We need a relationship with God.  There is safety in that relationship.  We can name the craving (romance) but we forget the reason we have the craving in the first place (to lead us to God).

            There are also some great books out there on love languages and how we prefer to be told we are loved, but the fact that we are looking for that love is indisputable.  We know we should be sought after, but we might have forgotten that God was already putting great effort and time (thousands of years) into winning our hearts.  Do our daughters know that Jesus knew exactly what he was getting into when he went to Jerusalem?  ”As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem,” (Luke 9:51).  Jesus knowingly walked into a very painful death for them because he cared so much for their souls. 

            In a world of fast food and texting, God’s love and attention is not…as immediately satisfying.  With billboards, magazine covers, television ads, and internet gossip/news; romance is often confused with the flesh that is plastered all over.  To some of our daughters, romance might mean physical pleasure plus roses or jewelry.  It is a tragedy that we are inundated with images and music so whitewashed with sex and bling that we forget true love and romance.  It is so easy to pick up a bad habit but so hard to break one. 

            God loves our daughters.  He is the Lover of their souls.  God romances them by giving them his time and undivided attention.  I only have three children and this is impossible for me, but God does this for all of us every second of every day. God romances our daughters by giving them gifts; spiritual gifts, talents, ideas, sunsets, hot coco and a good book on a cold rainy day…the list goes on.  If this is a concept new to you, mom, that is okay.  Let your daughter see your delight as you discover all the ways that God is courting you. 

The gift of wisdom, or discernment, in romance is truly the gift that keeps on giving for the rest of our daughters’ lives.    The simple understanding that as women, young or old, we are typically drawn to fiction where characters share deep emotional relationships is a huge deal.  If our daughters can see that craving in themselves and understand why God put it there, perhaps it will make it easier for them to find healthy relationship with people who respect them for all the right reasons.

There are so many scripture passages that remind us to stay away from and even to flee from those people and things that would blind us to the truth of God’s desire to be a part of our lives.  It might not occur to your daughter that just because her boyfriend says he is a Christian that he would be up to the task of romancing her in the way that God intended.  There is a difference in being a Christian and acting like a Christian.  Do our daughters know the difference?

God is relational in nature and women are a reflection of this.  Look at the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10; God desires us to be in relationship with Him, not rushing around doing things in His name.  Men are just not quite the role model here.  God had Jesus interacting with women to demonstrate this principle of strong connection because women were made to reflect this aspect of God.  Your daughters will likely be drawn to fiction that shows strong emotional bonds, whether those are healthy relationships or not. 

As I said, I want my daughters to be exposed to this type of fiction at some point so that we can talk about whether the emotional connections in the stories are healthy or not.  I want them to experience plenty of healthy emotional connections now but at a certain point I want to give them room to experience setting boundaries against unhealthy relationships too.  Assuming we all do our best to expose our daughters to and to model healthy Godly relationships; how can we let our daughters practice setting boundaries with potentially unhealthy relationships?  The answer can be tricky.  How can we do this without putting them in harm’s way?  I don’t believe that dating is the only way for girls to experience this.  What do you think? 

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.      Romans 13:14

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an ever-lasting love; I have drawn you with loving –kindness.”     Jeremiah 31:3

“Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.  I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”     Ezekiel 16:8 (grab your Bible and read down through verse 19 for how God romanced His people.)

Twilight Tuesdays

What does the Twilight series have to do with teaching my daughters wisdom?  My daughters have not read this series yet, but I do intend to have them read it or another series like it before they leave the guidance of my home.  I decided to read the series because I was intrigued with how girls and women of any age became addicted to the books.  I met several women who were well into their 40’s who loved the books as much as women in their 20’s and 30’s; not to mention the teen audience the series collected.   What was the big deal?

As I read the books, I could feel myself falling into the same cravings.  So I did what any former English major would do, I analyzed them.  What I would like to start sharing here, on Tuesdays, is my analysis of why we are drawn to the books, what God intended to satisfy these cravings, and how these relate to your daughters.   As the romance of Twilight is often the most common reason given for female interest in the stories, it is a logical place to start.  After all, this series helped kick off the Barnes & Noble section “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

In the Twilight series, Bella is an ordinary girl, with brown hair and a tendency to bump into things and fall (can you say “teenage growth spurt”?).  Bella is a blank slate for the reader to paint their own reflection on. Of course, young girls want to be Bella!  You can be desirable in all these ordinary ways and find out that you aren’t so ordinary after all.  Bella was born to be an eternally beautiful, filthy rich, globe trotting vampire with a husband who is just as obsessed with her as she is with him. 

Bella is romanced by two characters in this series; Edward, the vampire without a bite, and Jacob, the werewolf with quite a bark.  You can’t get much more romantic than a love triangle.  While Edward’s style is more love ‘em and leave ‘em, then come back and stalk ‘em; Jacob’s style is to make Bella feel guilty until she does or says just about anything to make things up to him.  One smothers and the other lights the fire. 

In real life, Bella would have gotten a restraining order against Edward.  He sneaks into her room and watches her sleep.  He spies on her friend’s thoughts, since he can’t read Bella’s mind, in order to find out what she thinks of him.  He wants to buy her expensive cars and pay for her college.  He literally bristles when other boys even think about Bella.  In order to be with Edward, Bella must leave not only her friends but also her family behind, probably never to see them again.  But he is just so sweet when he does it all!  Edward is a Renaissance man; he cooks, he writes beautiful lullabies, he’s concerned with the state of Bella’s soul, he even insists on opening doors and picking up the tab.  All this and he’s been keeping himself for marriage for over a hundred years now.  I’d forgive a little bit of stalking for that.

Jacob never takes no for an answer.  He will fight each battle even when he knows he has already lost the war.  Jacob also offers safety and protection (did I mention Bella falls down a lot?).  He is a “safer” choice because Bella’s father likes him and Bella could stay human if she chooses him, but he is still the volatile biker bad-boy with a heart of gold.  Bella tames the wild beast in Jacob, as much as she melts the heart of Edward.  That is power.

Then there are the boys who don’t even make the headlines who are falling over themselves for a chance at Bella’s heart, including the most popular boy in her class.  Bella plays it cool, never encouraging them, and even gets to have a giggle at the popular boy’s expense when he gets sick in front of her and Jacob.  Tell me you can’t find a girl who wouldn’t love to be the object of so much attention and effort! 

The obsession with Twilight is less about the mythical characters and romantic setting than it is about the safety and comfort that women find in a world like the one found in the books.  Women become addicted to these stories when we crave the feelings and emotions they evoke in us, but then we put the books down and feel the lack of all these same things in our own lives.   It becomes a numbing-agent to live vicariously in a world that is anything but ordinary.  We disappear into the world of fiction in an attempt to fill the void in our soul. 

There will always be room for good stories and romance novels are not the embodiment of evil.  The trick is to fill your own life with meaning and purpose instead of looking for a temporary fix from fiction.  Next Tuesday I would like to look at why God gave women a need for the romance portrayed in this series. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.    Galatians 1:10

So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.    Genesis 29:20

(Other topics in Twilight that we will look at in the coming weeks: beauty, family structures, respect/power relationships, and having a grand purpose or destiny.)