Playlist songs

I keep saying that I am going to create a playlist/CD for my kids to listen to if anything should happen to me.  My father died when I was very young and his letters are so precious to me; so this idea of leaving something to lift my kids up if I was gone is close to my heart.  This song would definitely make the list!  I also really want Britt Nicole's headphones from this video.

Did you know?

This is a great video clip on the current culture and technology.  It gets very interesting in relation to how we parent at about 2:30 and 3:14 into the clip.  It is about 5 minutes long.


Can you imagine the amount of information that our daughters will be exposed to in the coming years?  Will they be prepared to process that information from a Godly perspective?

Mastermind Yaya

…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.                   Philippians 4:8

            The Bible is pretty clear that we are to distance ourselves from sin while at the same time draw nearer to God.  These days, I feel like I would have to drag my family off to live in a cave in some remote corner of the world in order to escape worldly influences.  Even then I would probably get some salesman on my door trying to sign me up for their cable/internet package.   Steering clear of sin is hard.  And that isn’t even taking into account the weakness of my own flesh and desires; greed, jealousy, anger, etc. 

            But the Bible offers hope too.  We are not without our weapons (Eph. 6:13-17).  We are not fighting alone (Luke 11:13).  We do not have to listen to what the world says either.  Philippians 4:8 can be applied to many areas of our life, but let’s take a look at what it has to offer when it comes to our menstrual cycle. 

            I heard a statistic some time ago (and I can not for the life of me remember where) that found that young girls who were raised to call their private parts by “silly” or nonsensical names, as opposed to their proper names, were more likely to be abused or taken advantage of sexually.  They theorized that the use of nonsensical names carried with it the idea of a joke or something funny.  After all, it’s so cute when little kids say “yaya” or “woohoo.”  The purpose of jokes is to share them and make others laugh.  The girls who grew up hearing and using the proper names for their private parts did not view them as funny or something to be shared; therefore it was reasoned, they were less likely to feel comfortable with situations or people that treated their bodies in this regard.  If they felt uncomfortable they were more likely to tell a trusted adult or simply walk away very early on.  What does this have to do with Philippians 4:8?  Well, how do you talk about your feminine nature, menstrual cycle, and God-created body?

            God calls us to master our thoughts, something MbHD does a wonderful job of addressing.  Many of us grown women did not receive a comprehensive education on our reproductive organs.  We know the basics.  We know that hormones are involved and the names of most of the organs involved.  Human beings have a tendency to fear or make fun of what we don’t understand.  If we don’t know the names for individual parts of our body, or we fear saying them in public, we might make up nonsensical names for them.  But if we continue on that path of ignorance/fear then we will quickly buy into the idea that our feminine nature, and body, is a curse.  It is a very short step from being cursed to being the victim. 

            Satan would love for us to see ourselves as victims of God’s cruel creation.  We are cursed with femininity.  It breaks my heart just to type those sentences.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139: 14).  We are blessed with these bodies.  We are blessed in our femininity.  True, there will be pain and suffering in life and that includes our menstrual cycle (some of us more than others).  But if we see ourselves as being cursed then we miss out on these opportunities to draw closer to God.  We miss out on seeing His strength in our weakness.

Blood and Guts

            “Just the facts, ma’am.”  What do our daughters need to hear from us about their menstrual cycle?  Simple facts of chemistry and biology, yes.  Well, what does the world tell our daughters about their maturing body?  If you simply Google you will find lots of cold hard fact mixed with all the “what-if’s,” pain relief options, and possible complications.  You won’t find anything that ties a woman’s femininity to her cycle.  Only women get periods yet there is this glaring omission in the information that is presented. 

One of the key reasons for this omission is that God is left out of the discussion.  God created our bodies and He created this process.  He didn’t create the menstrual cycle to frustrate us or hinder us (from swimming, wearing white pants, etc.).  God created this intricate process as a fundamental part of what makes us different from men; our femininity.  Women, not men, have babies.  God created our menstrual cycle for a purpose, to conceive and bear children.  “Be fruitful and multiply..” 

This is a blessing!  We get to take part with God in creating new life.  Even Christ had an earthly mother.  Our menstrual cycles are not a curse we are forced to endure.  You don’t have to have a lengthily discussion on the birds-and-bees to share with your daughter the blessings that her womb was designed for.  One of the things I really liked about the MbHD curriculum was the video that talked about how detailed God was in creating the process of conception that goes on within just the woman’s body. 

Our daughters need to hear from us that blood is not gross.  Ok, that one might take some work for some of us.  Try looking up all references to blood in the Bible.  Blood is cleansing.  We were bought out of slavery by the blood of Christ.  Blood is life. How do you react to blood around your daughter?  Fearful and squeamish over gushing head wounds?  Yea, me too.  But when it comes to the slow and gentle welling of blood in a deep scrap it might help if we take the time to explain that blood is cleaning the wound and delivering all kinds of good stuff to the troubled area.  We have been conditioned to see blood as gross and a sign of danger.  Our daughters will not learn any different if we do not lead the way.

One of the topics that all the moms in my class commented on was how often options they had never thought of before were discussed; like cloth pads, Keepers, Cups, and sponges.  We discussed the roles of proper nutrition and simple herbs like red raspberry leaf tea.  We also discussed charting.  Everyone, mom and daughter, walked out of class knowing how to chart their cycle.  This might seem like something only those trying to conceive might be interested in, but there is more value to it then just that.  There are some very handy apps these days for charting and predicting when your next period will start, but they are computer programs that are capable of error just like humans.  If you have a good understanding of the phases of your cycle and can chart them out, you can plan not just for when your period will start but also when to consume more iron, water, or that tea we talked about.  I admit, I like tea.

Next week: The Fear-Curse-Victim approach

T.O.M.

Many women remember their first period.  I know, I’ve asked a lot of them.  Mind you, I don’t ask complete strangers…at least I don’t accost people in dressing rooms or on the bus.  Many women were able to tell me how old they were and what they were doing that day.  Some stories are traumatic, “I thought I was dying,” and some are blasé, “I knew what was going on and it wasn’t a big deal.”  I fall somewhere in the middle; it was memorable but not a big deal. 

However, it wasn’t long before I started to feel like my period was more of a curse than a blessing; cramps, pads vs. tampons, no white pants, etc.  The word “coverage” no longer had anything to do with sports.  There was no one factor that lead me down the Cursed path; life, education (or lack of anything but one point of view), and the attitudes of those around me all had an impact.  I continued down that path until just a couple years ago.

            My eldest daughter was coming to an age that made me realize I had to figure out how to describe body changes…even the reason for them. *sigh* Well, the latter part of that is a discussion for another day.  For today we will stick with maturing bodies. 

            I wanted a curriculum set because I am not really into reinventing the wheel if I don’t have to.   It took some looking around, some curriculums try to tackle too much and others just cover one particular aspect.  The information had to be Bible-based.  There are some good resources put out by American Girl, but they were too big on self-esteem and not big enough on a body created by God for a purpose.  Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel…(no, I’m not getting paid for this) I found what I was looking for; all the body changes with none of the, ahem, more mature topics.

            A group class was definitely a plus for this topic.  Perhaps I was lucky but we had a wonderful range of ethnicities, ages, and family traditions.  I confess that I tweaked just the tiniest bit at the curriculum.  If you ever watch me cook, I just can not leave a recipe well enough alone.  We had a ball!  And best of all, the girls were excited to some day get their period.  It is the solemn truth that every mom in that class came up to me at some point to say how much they were enjoying the material and shared something new they had learned from the class.  We scrapbooked about the uterus.  Can you get more girlie than that?

            What I really appreciated, as the teacher, was that each girl sat next to her mom.  If a young girl had a question she was encouraged to ask her mom first and then they could both ask me if mom decided it was ok.  This way some of the silly or simple questions got screened by mom and the girls got into the habit of asking their mom instead of an “expert.” 

            Another great aspect was the conversations the moms had while the daughters were listening. There were several opportunities to share stories about our first periods, shaving, buying our first bra, and other coming of age stuff.  My daughter got to hear other moms give tips and advice instead of the “mom lecture” that our daughters can smell coming from a mile away and just makes everyone feel uncomfortable.  There were certainly lots of reminders to the girls that information shared in the class was only to be talked about with other members of the class, and preferably with mom first.

            While the birds and the bees were not discussed we did watch a video that talked about the intricate details that all have to click into place within her body in order for conception to occur.  The goal wasn’t to inform the girls how pregnancy occurs so much as it was to convey why they had a menstrual cycle and how absolutely detailed and complicated God was in designing their bodies. I did check with the moms before showing the video to make sure all were comfortable with the potential questions they might get asked at home.  They all agreed and I think the moms actually got more out of the video then the girls did.

            We set up the class to run for four Thursday evenings in a row.  There was a sign up for snacks.  We had a menstrual party.  Too bad I couldn’t have had it in a red tent.

Next week, what do our daughters need to hear from us about their menstrual cycle?

When does Aunt Flo visit?

Menstrual cycle, there I said it.  Period.  Aunt Flo.  “That time of the month.”  The Curse.  How, when, and where do you discuss this with your darling little girl?  If you wait too long she could hear about it from friends or worse yet, start her menstrual cycle and think something is seriously wrong.  But you don’t want to jump the gun and give her the information so soon that she can’t really understand it or appreciate what you are sharing with her. 

The average age for a young lady to begin her period has been decreasing over time; it seems to be anywhere between 11-14 at this point.  Body mass and heredity can both effect when our daughters get their first period.  Our pediatrician shared with us that when a girl gets breast buds, the clock starts ticking for her first menstrual cycle to appear; within 18 months.  Even before breast buds your daughter might need to start using deodorant when she is active, or not, if you prefer eau de armpit in scaring the boys away.

While it might be awfully tempting to leave this lovely life lesson until the last minute, please think about what this communicates to your daughter. 

• Menstrual Cycles are shameful (because we don’t talk about them unless we have to and only in whispers when we do.)
• Your body is broken/gross (because you have “shameful” menstrual cycles.)
• The time of your menstrual cycle typically called your “period” is not positive or feminine (because we hide it even from other women if we can and only talk about it negatively when we do share about it.)
• You have no control of this negative process (therefore I had nothing to educate you about concerning it) so just grab a pad/tampon, a Midol, and wait it out.

Obviously, I don’t believe these things to be true or I wouldn’t be writing about it.  So I want to encourage you to check out Maidens by His Design (MbHD).  I loved this curriculum and have even taught it as a group class once.  I wanted to give you a chance to look up this resource before talking more about educating our daughters on this topic next week.  We did use the Passport to Purity curriculum, but we used it after going through MbHD.  Take a look.  Share what you used with your daughters, if you dare [insert evil laugh here], because we need to talk about this together in order to undo the negative influences that we have been bombarded with over the years.  

Antithesis

Ideas clash.  Ideas about how to raise children clash passionately.  Just watch one mom try to explain to another why she needs to get an epidural, birth naturally, stay at home, go back to work, private school, public school, etc.  The only topic I know more volatile than raising children is religion, and if you combine the two…look out.  Life is all about the clash of ideas.  It will surround our daughters in all they do.  Our daughters need to know:

1. How to hear an idea without agreeing with it.
2. How to respect another person, and value them, without agreeing with them.
3. How to speak their own ideas clearly with love and respect, but firm conviction.
4. How to evaluate another idea based on sound logic and a biblical worldview.

In short, we need to socialize our children.  Whether your daughters attend public, private, or you home-school; we need to influence our daughters more than anyone else.  This can be difficult at a time when they are testing the waters of independence. 

One way to socialize our daughters is to think about what other adults in our daughters’ lives we can point them to?  Who can we give them permission to look to as role models?  One of the nice benefits here is that they will hear the same advice that they mistook for misguided nagging when it came from us.  My daughters want to see the world outside of our home and that is a good thing.  I want them to still have sound guidance in situations when I am not there.  The answer is to get them involved in some activities where there are other adults you know and trust.  Our girls are part of a wonderful FLL team where I know the other moms and dads are upholding the same standards and morals that we hold to at home.  I know the other parents involved and I trust their influence over my children.  I welcome it, in fact.

Another way to influence our children and show them how ideas clash (antithesis) is through reading books with them.  I just recently heard a great speaker, Leigh Bortins, say, “Books introduce antithesis safely because kids will see it first hand soon enough.”  If I read the Hunger Games books with my daughters and talk about it with them, I can walk them through the four points given up above.  I can talk them through difficult ideas presented in the story as a way to give them positive guidelines for real life situations.  The conversations can be fun Saturday morning breakfasts out or silly giggly girly manicures at home.  The same can be done with movies if you make frequent use of the pause button.  The key is to talk to our daughters, ask them questions, and give them our thoughts on the matter. 

Listen, my [daughter], to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.  They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.      Proverbs 1:8-9

My [daughter], if you accept my words and store up my commands within you…    Proverbs 2:1

My [daughter], do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.     Proverbs 3:1-2

Listen, my [daughters], to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a [daughter] to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother.                  Proverbs 4:1-3

My [daughter], pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.                      Proverbs 5:1-2

And so on…J

To delegate or not…that is the question.

A mom’s life is so busy that we can be tempted to give more time and energy to our short-term goals, like a clean(ish) home, than to the bigger long term goals.  It is easier to do certain chores around the house myself.  I can get the job done better and faster than my children.  This frees me up for the next emergent situation or task on my list.  But I need to think it through from a long term perspective.  Imagine with me…

            Your daughter has grown into a wonderful young lady and has found the man of her dreams to marry.  There is a beautiful and very touching ceremony but it isn’t long after the honeymoon that your daughter starts calling you in tears.  Her new husband (whom you found bright and charming) doesn’t have a clue how to do his own laundry.  He looks at her like she is speaking a foreign language when she asks him to clean up the bathroom.  He doesn’t know where to start.  In fact, he kinda grumbles about any household chores.  Your daughter sobs that she feels more like his mother than his wife. 

Now in your imagination, reverse that situation.  Your future son-in-law is calling his mom up to complain about your darling daughter regarding the exact same things. 

It might be harder and more time consuming to show your daughters how to go about doing chores around the house, but in the long run they (and you) will be better off for it.  I can not imagine if I had to keep up this house, school three children, take care of shopping, cooking, writing this blog, etc. all on my own.  The American myth of Supermom who can be all things to all people is a crippling lie. 

This same short-term thinking can effect how we discipline our daughters.  Are we so caught up in stopping the immediate actions of our daughters that we discipline their behavior instead of trying to reach their hearts?  Do we ignore an annoying or rude behavior until we get so frustrated we react in anger?  There are some great books out on trying to reach a child’s heart (which will in turn change their behavior on a much more consistent basis). 

If you aren’t sure where to start or what chores it would be reasonable to expect of them, I highly recommend 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home: Household tested and proven effective! Techniques, tips, tricks, and strategies on how to get your kids to share ... become self-reliant, responsible adults by Bonnie McCullough.  She goes through what chores you could introduce based on age and ability.  She also gives different tips, motivational methods, and systems to help with problem areas you might have in your home.

We need to realize when our focus on accomplishing the short-term goals can rob our daughters of learning accountability.  Our daughters will one day be accountable to a boss, husband, church family, and more importantly, God.  It is our jobs as mothers to take that extra time to discipline their hearts or show them again and again (and again) how to do chores around the house.  We are teaching them responsibility when we do this.  You can be very knowledgeable about many things, but if you do not have responsibility then your ability to discern how and when to use that knowledge will be severely hindered. 

My [daughter], do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a [mother] the [daughter she] delights in.  Proverbs 3:11,12

In regard to a wicked man: He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.  Proverbs 5:23

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.    Proverbs 6:6-8

Get A Date

As Christian moms we tend to reject the “me time” culture we see around us.  We are constantly on for our children, in fact, our world revolves around them.  You can be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, either way you can get caught up in the myth that our children come first.  We put our faith next, hubby third, and ourselves last.

Let us examine what this teaches our children. 

• Children are a blessing or a burden (which one will depend on how your child perceives your attitude towards them).
• Raising children is incredibly time consuming.
• Your children are more important to you than your husband, their dad.
• You are not a separate individual from your children.

The ultimate lesson that your children can walk away with is that intimate relationships like that of a husband and wife are not worth working on, or that they don’t require time and effort to maintain.  Your children might see intimate relationships as equal with more common, or if you will, shallower relationships like those between co-workers.

But there is another lesson your child might learn that probably hasn’t occurred to you yet.  It comes once they observe what happens to your marriage when all your children are grown and moved out.  Without the common bond of raising children, do you and your husband have anything left to talk about?  Do you know each other anymore?  Have you moved into separate worlds?  Has a marriage turned into roommate status, or worse, even fallen apart?

What if you make the commitment to put your marriage first, what lessons does that teach your children?  You make the effort to find a reliable and safe babysitter once a month while you go out on a date with your husband.  You teach your children to wait a moment until your husband finishes his story he was telling you even though it is so much easier to ask your husband to wait (he does have more patience).  If your children were to sneak out of bed (because that never happens) what would they learn if they saw you enjoying a glass of iced-tea on the front porch swing with your husband?

My hope is that in observing my husband and my efforts to strengthen our marriage that my children learn:

·         Intimate relationships take time and effort to maintain.  My children won’t be so quick to buy into the Hollywood myth of emotional love as true love.

·         While my children will know they are the apple of our eye, they won’t think the earth revolves around them and their immediate needs.

·         Raising children takes a lot of time, love, and laughter.

·         They can one day raise children and still be their own person.

Something else amazing…the Bible backs this up. 

“Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children…” Titus 2:4 (husbands come first in this list)

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24  (The man and woman become one, there needs to be a connection and strong bond there)

“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives.”  1 Corinthians 7:39a

“For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through is wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.  Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” 1 Corinthians 7:14 (the children are directly effected by the parents’ relationship)

Not to mention all the scripture that cites the husband as the head of the house, or scripture states that a husband’s body or a wife’s body is not their own but belongs to their spouse (not their children).

 

If you have experienced this topic in your own parenting/marriage, would you please leave a comment to share?  I think this is an important topic for moms to know.  Back me up, ladies!

Fifth Concerto

See if you can tell what book I have been rereading…

I want my girls to have balance.  I will be disappointed if they do not feel compassion and mercy for others, but I do not want them to feel that simple need is a basis for giving.  If my daughters come to believe that having a need entitles a person to their compassion then they are in danger of expecting others to do for them what they could do (with a little hard work) for themselves.

The daily wisdom of this should show in how I parent and live.  I should strive to model: a willing and joyful work ethic; frequent exercise of my mind in solving problems (not always running to a “helpful” YouTube video); an absolute trust in God to carry me through (but never to “make it easy” for me).  I need to model applying myself to helping others help themselves, but not at the expense of that person’s chance to provide for them self.  Perhaps this last one is done in giving a person the education, opportunity, and space to use their own mind and own hard work.  As much as I can see these things all at work in how I teach childbirth and my services as a doula…I fail all the time as a parent.  It is hardest to be my best for the people I love the most.

I want my daughters to learn to use their minds, not just their bodies as our “grocery store check-out line” culture would have them believe.  I do not worship Capitalism, Intelligence, or Humanity.  I worship a God who created me out of love.  He created me with a capacity to love others.  He fashioned my mind for complex thoughts.  I am created in His image; capable of wisdom and the ability to act on it.

I do not want my daughters to feel limited by their gender nor do I want them to feel a cultural compulsion to shed their feminine nature to be “productive” or to have value.  I do not want my daughters to get socialized by the Disney/Hollywood/Bestseller List notion of romance and emotional love.  I hope my daughters can view screens (TV, internet, video games) as a tool to be used in moderation, not as an escape or addiction that slowly drains them of the desire and ability to think.

My daughters are beautiful, confident, intelligent, and capable young ladies; not because I am a wonderful mother (more in spite of my parenting) but because God created them this way.  I have the task to be my best and to encourage, reward, and discipline in such a way as to nurture and grow these traits into their adulthood.

Twilight Tuesday 2

What is it about the Twilight series that is so intoxicating to girls and women alike?  God made woman, whether young or old, for his own purposes and with qualities to enable those purposes.  As I pointed out in Wooing Wisdom, romance creates a feeling of value in women.   Women, no matter what age, will equate pursuit of our time and attention with a feeling of safety.   Bella is pursued in a “loving” way by so many characters in the books that it would be impossible not to feel wanted, adored, and…safe.  God created us to be the moon to His sun; to reflect a need for relationship.  We need a relationship with God.  There is safety in that relationship.  We can name the craving (romance) but we forget the reason we have the craving in the first place (to lead us to God).

            There are also some great books out there on love languages and how we prefer to be told we are loved, but the fact that we are looking for that love is indisputable.  We know we should be sought after, but we might have forgotten that God was already putting great effort and time (thousands of years) into winning our hearts.  Do our daughters know that Jesus knew exactly what he was getting into when he went to Jerusalem?  ”As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem,” (Luke 9:51).  Jesus knowingly walked into a very painful death for them because he cared so much for their souls. 

            In a world of fast food and texting, God’s love and attention is not…as immediately satisfying.  With billboards, magazine covers, television ads, and internet gossip/news; romance is often confused with the flesh that is plastered all over.  To some of our daughters, romance might mean physical pleasure plus roses or jewelry.  It is a tragedy that we are inundated with images and music so whitewashed with sex and bling that we forget true love and romance.  It is so easy to pick up a bad habit but so hard to break one. 

            God loves our daughters.  He is the Lover of their souls.  God romances them by giving them his time and undivided attention.  I only have three children and this is impossible for me, but God does this for all of us every second of every day. God romances our daughters by giving them gifts; spiritual gifts, talents, ideas, sunsets, hot coco and a good book on a cold rainy day…the list goes on.  If this is a concept new to you, mom, that is okay.  Let your daughter see your delight as you discover all the ways that God is courting you. 

The gift of wisdom, or discernment, in romance is truly the gift that keeps on giving for the rest of our daughters’ lives.    The simple understanding that as women, young or old, we are typically drawn to fiction where characters share deep emotional relationships is a huge deal.  If our daughters can see that craving in themselves and understand why God put it there, perhaps it will make it easier for them to find healthy relationship with people who respect them for all the right reasons.

There are so many scripture passages that remind us to stay away from and even to flee from those people and things that would blind us to the truth of God’s desire to be a part of our lives.  It might not occur to your daughter that just because her boyfriend says he is a Christian that he would be up to the task of romancing her in the way that God intended.  There is a difference in being a Christian and acting like a Christian.  Do our daughters know the difference?

God is relational in nature and women are a reflection of this.  Look at the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10; God desires us to be in relationship with Him, not rushing around doing things in His name.  Men are just not quite the role model here.  God had Jesus interacting with women to demonstrate this principle of strong connection because women were made to reflect this aspect of God.  Your daughters will likely be drawn to fiction that shows strong emotional bonds, whether those are healthy relationships or not. 

As I said, I want my daughters to be exposed to this type of fiction at some point so that we can talk about whether the emotional connections in the stories are healthy or not.  I want them to experience plenty of healthy emotional connections now but at a certain point I want to give them room to experience setting boundaries against unhealthy relationships too.  Assuming we all do our best to expose our daughters to and to model healthy Godly relationships; how can we let our daughters practice setting boundaries with potentially unhealthy relationships?  The answer can be tricky.  How can we do this without putting them in harm’s way?  I don’t believe that dating is the only way for girls to experience this.  What do you think? 

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.      Romans 13:14

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an ever-lasting love; I have drawn you with loving –kindness.”     Jeremiah 31:3

“Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.  I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”     Ezekiel 16:8 (grab your Bible and read down through verse 19 for how God romanced His people.)

Fictional Wisdom

Popular youth fiction plays a role in the daily drama of our daughters’ lives as a place that they are drawn to over and over because living in the world of the story satisfies cravings deep within them.  Their hunger for the real thing, a Biblical view of the world and themselves, can not be satisfied by pop culture.  Adolescent girls’ developing sense of healthy skepticism will make it hard to simply throw the reasons for this gnawing hunger in their face.  Instead we can arm our daughters with the tools to discern and make good judgments.  You can lead a horse to water…you know the saying. 

            My objective here is not to give you tools to try to change your daughters’ behavior.  I am hopeful that this text instead gives you insight into how to show your daughters God’s unconditional love.  If we must measure something, we should measure how well we love our daughters, not how well our daughters behave; because they are individuals in their own right and will make decisions that we were desperately hoping they would not.  At least, I will try not to judge you simply by the choices your daughters make if you won’t judge me that way either.

I am a big fan of fiction, especially the fantasy genre.  I loved Lord of the Rings as a young girl.  I still love reading many of today’s best sellers (and even a romance or two, shhh!).   I say this so you will understand that I am not advocating that you never allow your daughters to read the latest best-sellers.  For some families that may be what God is calling you to do, even for a short time; but this is not the case for many families that I know.  “Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything,” (1 Cor. 6:12). None of us want to have our daughters leave our home unprepared for the world around them.  Even if you do not consider letting your daughters read many of the books popular in youth fiction while they are a tween or young teen, you might want to consider having them read at least some of the “popular” books with you while they are still under your guidance at home.   It is hard to know when is the right time to switch from sheltering our daughters from the world in a healthy God-fearing way to preparing them for the world by exposing them to it in a guiding God-fearing way.  You are the expert on your daughters and I will differ to your judgment on timing such things.

This blog intends to make your job of teaching your daughters discernment a little easier in order to reach her heart when the world is so desperately trying to convince her otherwise.  Hearts are important. If you can move a person’s heart you can influence their actions.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life, (Proverbs 4:23).”

Twilight Tuesdays

What does the Twilight series have to do with teaching my daughters wisdom?  My daughters have not read this series yet, but I do intend to have them read it or another series like it before they leave the guidance of my home.  I decided to read the series because I was intrigued with how girls and women of any age became addicted to the books.  I met several women who were well into their 40’s who loved the books as much as women in their 20’s and 30’s; not to mention the teen audience the series collected.   What was the big deal?

As I read the books, I could feel myself falling into the same cravings.  So I did what any former English major would do, I analyzed them.  What I would like to start sharing here, on Tuesdays, is my analysis of why we are drawn to the books, what God intended to satisfy these cravings, and how these relate to your daughters.   As the romance of Twilight is often the most common reason given for female interest in the stories, it is a logical place to start.  After all, this series helped kick off the Barnes & Noble section “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

In the Twilight series, Bella is an ordinary girl, with brown hair and a tendency to bump into things and fall (can you say “teenage growth spurt”?).  Bella is a blank slate for the reader to paint their own reflection on. Of course, young girls want to be Bella!  You can be desirable in all these ordinary ways and find out that you aren’t so ordinary after all.  Bella was born to be an eternally beautiful, filthy rich, globe trotting vampire with a husband who is just as obsessed with her as she is with him. 

Bella is romanced by two characters in this series; Edward, the vampire without a bite, and Jacob, the werewolf with quite a bark.  You can’t get much more romantic than a love triangle.  While Edward’s style is more love ‘em and leave ‘em, then come back and stalk ‘em; Jacob’s style is to make Bella feel guilty until she does or says just about anything to make things up to him.  One smothers and the other lights the fire. 

In real life, Bella would have gotten a restraining order against Edward.  He sneaks into her room and watches her sleep.  He spies on her friend’s thoughts, since he can’t read Bella’s mind, in order to find out what she thinks of him.  He wants to buy her expensive cars and pay for her college.  He literally bristles when other boys even think about Bella.  In order to be with Edward, Bella must leave not only her friends but also her family behind, probably never to see them again.  But he is just so sweet when he does it all!  Edward is a Renaissance man; he cooks, he writes beautiful lullabies, he’s concerned with the state of Bella’s soul, he even insists on opening doors and picking up the tab.  All this and he’s been keeping himself for marriage for over a hundred years now.  I’d forgive a little bit of stalking for that.

Jacob never takes no for an answer.  He will fight each battle even when he knows he has already lost the war.  Jacob also offers safety and protection (did I mention Bella falls down a lot?).  He is a “safer” choice because Bella’s father likes him and Bella could stay human if she chooses him, but he is still the volatile biker bad-boy with a heart of gold.  Bella tames the wild beast in Jacob, as much as she melts the heart of Edward.  That is power.

Then there are the boys who don’t even make the headlines who are falling over themselves for a chance at Bella’s heart, including the most popular boy in her class.  Bella plays it cool, never encouraging them, and even gets to have a giggle at the popular boy’s expense when he gets sick in front of her and Jacob.  Tell me you can’t find a girl who wouldn’t love to be the object of so much attention and effort! 

The obsession with Twilight is less about the mythical characters and romantic setting than it is about the safety and comfort that women find in a world like the one found in the books.  Women become addicted to these stories when we crave the feelings and emotions they evoke in us, but then we put the books down and feel the lack of all these same things in our own lives.   It becomes a numbing-agent to live vicariously in a world that is anything but ordinary.  We disappear into the world of fiction in an attempt to fill the void in our soul. 

There will always be room for good stories and romance novels are not the embodiment of evil.  The trick is to fill your own life with meaning and purpose instead of looking for a temporary fix from fiction.  Next Tuesday I would like to look at why God gave women a need for the romance portrayed in this series. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.    Galatians 1:10

So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.    Genesis 29:20

(Other topics in Twilight that we will look at in the coming weeks: beauty, family structures, respect/power relationships, and having a grand purpose or destiny.)

Protect and Prepare

Raising children is a strange mix of heart wrenching guilt because you feel you haven’t done enough and a heady exhaustion from the incredible amout of time and energy that you have already put into your children.  Parenting is a study of contradictions and fine lines.  As a mom I need to protect my daughter from raw unfiltered corruption in life until at some magical age (which is…?) I gradually expose her to filtered bits and pieces in such a way as to prepare her to deal with the raw unfiltered fullness she will encounter once she heads out into the “real world.”   I know I am not alone in sometimes, ahem, frequently feeling overwhelmed by the task.

We moms are continually working on multiple character traits in our children all at the same time.  We want to work on building their self-confidence so once they have wisdom they have the confidence to use it.  We want to work on their walk with God so when they are ready to establish their independence from us they transition to a dependence on God instead of getting lost in a worldly sense of independence from all but self.

I realized that I was working on so many character traits and daily little battles with my daughters that I was getting lost in the task and becoming that kind of mom that scares their daughters' friends away.  So to simplify my life and theirs right now, I think that I will be focusing on wisdom primarily.  If I can focus on equipping them to make good choices, discern what is truly good advice, to appreciate correction, and to recognize fools; that will carry over into honesty, integrity, work ethic, compassion, and so many other areas. 

I do not plan to let my daughters read whatever book they think looks interesting, nor can they listen to any music they choose.  I am selective about what topics I discuss with my daughters and am selective in the places and people I expose them to as a result of this.  However, I do plan to slowly and surely allow them to see the world around them in its gritty visceral beauty.  God created this earth.  God created the people in it.  I want my daughters to love all of God’s creation.  I also want them to see it clearly.  They do not have to condone or conform to the world. 

To accomplish this heady goal I will be their guide as I eventually show them books I would be happy if they never read and discuss topics that will make them cry or shiver with confusion.  I will give them the space, freedom, and counter arguments to question my beliefs, knowing that they might choose to one day reject them, so they can hopefully own those beliefs themselves instead of living on my borrowed faith with none of their own.  But before I do any of those things, I will make sure they are wise.  If I expose them too soon or before they have the tools of discernment, it will avail them nothing.

We walk a fine line of protecting our children until they are ready to be prepared.  I have been protecting my daughters, but I am ready now to plan out how I will prepare them.  Are you?  I would love to hear what your plan is.

Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, ¹⁴ for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. ¹⁵ She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.  Proverbs 3:13-15

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6