Breaking the rules

Rules were made to be broken.  God made the law knowing we couldn’t keep it.  To be human is to sin, which means breaking the rules.  God expected this when he handed them down. The rules, or more to the point, our propensity to break them was designed to point us back to the fact that we can’t be good enough.  We can’t get to heaven on our own.  We need God, not just to give us grace when we sin but also to give us strength to obey.

            “Barriers alone can not suppress the heart,” said our pastor this Sunday.  Our heart is our best and worst asset.  We want to obey God; our hearts long to please Him.  But it is also our heart that betrays us when the desire to be distracted or entertained by the world is stronger than our desire to be right with God.  God already set limits, or barriers to sin, for us.  We set them for ourselves too.  “After this one time, I won’t do that anymore.”  “Just this once, it isn’t like I watch/listen/read this stuff all the time.”  We tell ourselves we are going on a diet (sometimes food and sometimes from media, electronics, etc) and right away temptation finds us.  Barriers alone can not suppress our hearts.

            I shouldn’t be surprised then that rules and limits are not enough to assure obedience from my daughters.  I have to continue to work on their hearts.  Character issues are frequently called heart issues, I like that.  It gets to the root of the problem.  What are ways you reach your daughters’ hearts? 

Shepherding a Child's Heart

Hearts and Minds: Raising Your Child with a Christian View of the World

My Modern Day Proverbs

Benjamin Franklin probably had the book of Proverbs in mind when he added his “wit and wisdom” to Poor Richard’s Almanac.  Today these “sound bytes” of wisdom are just as well known, if not more so, than the book of the Bible they appear to mimic.  What have you heard lately that you would compile into a modern day book of Proverbs?  Here are some of my favorites (paraphrased and from various sources):

• Stop trying to be good enough on your own power.  Don’t say, “I will try harder, I will…”  A tree doesn’t try harder to make fruit.  Be obsessed with Jesus and you will become more like him.  –Dr. Mark Brown
• Be motivated by Love not by the Law.  Live with joy and freedom enough to make dour Christians question your salvation.  –Dr. Mark Brown
• Who is the first person you turn to at times of trouble?  Who is your shepherd?  Who is in control of your life?
• God can use the daily grind of life to shape us for him.
• God is so big that to grasp Him we have to see Him in three parts.
• I take my humanness with me where ever I go so how can I ever be at peace with things or places if I am not at peace with God?
• Actions sometimes need to precede emotions.  We might need to go through the motions of something and eventually the feelings will follow.  If we always wait for the feelings first we might never do the right thing (i.e. forgive, show love, show respect).
• If I focus on my children’s behavior instead of their hearts or if I “lord” over them with rules, then I teach them about power not humility.

What are some of the gems you have heard or collected over the years?

Compare and Contrast

I am in awe of some of the women’s blogs I read.  They sound so together; baking bread, sewing their own clothes, individual time with each of their children, and the list goes on.  I’m not there yet.  In fact, I will probably never be one of those women.  My kids are on one screen or another on a daily basis.  They might watch TV or play on the Wii or the computer.  We eat fast food probably once a week, (gasp!) sometimes more.  I like watching some of the old cartoons like Voltron and Thundercats with my kids.  I’m very human.

I am also learning not to compare myself to those women who do seem to have it all together.  I try not to wish for a different house, metabolism, or the ability to play dolls.  The Bible has a name for that: covet.  When I compare myself to others it will only lead to jealousy or a false sense of pride.  Neither of those will do me any good.  I must learn to be content with where God has me.  I must learn to walk that fine line of being content with who I am while still striving to become more like Christ.  Have you noticed how much of our Christian walk is learning to embrace peace/joy while being mindful of our own depraved nature?

How do I teach these things to my daughters when I still struggle with them so often?  I can’t claim to be the expert on becoming Christ-like.  I can do two things though.  First, I can let my daughters see me struggle and model for them by turning to God when the going gets tough.  Second, I can continue to point them to the scriptures when life gets tough for them.  This second one requires me to already be doing the first; I can’t point my daughters to scriptures that will help them if I am not in the Bible myself enough to know some scripture that might be helpful.  I know where wisdom comes from: Fear of the Lord.  I need to look to God alone for my contentment.  I need to compare myself to Christ (as depressing as that may be), not to other women in the world. 

When I am happiest and the more content, I am in balance.  I can grasp at that peace that passes all understanding while knowing how far from perfect I am.

…for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her.  Proverbs 8:11

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves.  When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.   2 Corinthians 10:12

Each one should test their own actions.  Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.  Galatians 6:4,5

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Romans 7:25

To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.  Jude 1:24,25

Servitude

I am teaching at a conference where I have had the privilege of listening to a excellent speaker the last couple of days.  She brought up a great quote from Harriet Tubman, “I have freed thousands of slaves.  I would have freed thousands more…had they known they were slaves.”  What a simple and convicting thing to say.  What makes this such a great quote is how true this is of so many things.  We are mastered either by the world or by Christ; we are slaves.  We might like to think that we are the masters of our own destiny, the captain of our own ship.  The truth is we are not in control.  We will either be ruled by the culture around us or by the book that guides us.  I hope that book is the Bible. 

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.                           Romans 6:16-18

So, you know you are a slave to Christ…how did you figure this out?  Did you wake up one day, having never opened a Bible or heard a word about God, and decide to surrender your own will over to God?  Probably not.  You heard.  You listened.  You learned.  You grew wise.  We like to talk about the freedom in Christ, but are we willing to talk to our daughters about the servitude and surrender?  If we don’t tell them (again and again and again) they will never hear.  If we don’t educate them they will never learn.  If we do not whisper what the Bible says in their ear on a constant basis then they will never grow wise. 

It is up to us to lead by example.  We must swallow our pride and admit we are slaves.

Modesty: Shopping Smarts

This is the second part of a series on Modesty by my guest, Kim Crawford.  Enjoy ~Tamara

Take a walk with me down the aisle at your local Kohl’s store. When you look around at the clothes for women and girls, would you say that they are designed to reveal the secrets of your beauty, or conceal them? I think we would all agree that the goal in modern apparel is to be revealing! So why does this matter for you and your girls?

According to Dannah Gresh, of Pure Freedom ministries, one of the top five factors for early sexual activity is, “a girl who looks older than she actually is. There is a strong case to argue that the end result of today’s immodest fashion is sexual promiscuity.”  I don't know about you, Mom, but my heart longs to protect my girls from the lifelong pain of premarital sexual involvement.

Here are some tools to consider when you are shopping for yourself and your daughters. May these aid you in your desire to help your daughter grow in purity and modesty.

Guidelines for choosing clothes

Attractive or Attracting?

Josh Harris hit the nail on the head in his book, Not Even a Hint, when he wrote that, “there is difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract."  Attractive clothing highlights your countenance instead of drawing attention to our body. Skimpy clothing is often thought as the antithesis of modesty. My husband would suggest that frumpy, baggy, and utterly outdated clothing that makes a woman look sloppy is also immodest. Modesty looks not to either of these extremes, but instead focuses on clothing that allows your inward beauty to shine.

Modesty Tests:

When I take my girls shopping, I have found these modesty tests to be helpful in evaluating our clothing choices. They put some fun into the process as well. (See all 8 tests at: http://purefreedom.org/media.htm)  Here are two examples:

• Raise and Praise: As you lift up your hands, if midriff shows, out it goes.

• I See London, I See France: When you bend over, is anything revealed that should stay hidden? (chest area, underwear).

Less is more
     As our culture continues down the road of blatant sensuality, modest clothing may become harder to find. Our family has come to the realization that trips to large national retail chains are usually unprofitable in our quest for modest clothing for our girls. As a result, we have modified our mindset: spending more on higher quality, but buying fewer items. Who needs an entire closet and dresser full of clothing anyway? This mindset doesn't have to break the bank either. A prime example of this would be Land’s End clothing that we purchase at Sears.


The Buck stops with Dad
     Unfortunately, most dads sit on the sidelines in regards to this area. Moms and daughters need to purposefully included dad in the decisions. See him as a coach, not an opponent. Dads will see clothing choices through the “male” perspective. Encourage him to be honest, and be willing to take back certain articles of clothing that set off a red flag in his mind. Speaking from experience, having my dad's input in my clothing choices growing up proved to be a huge blessing. His counsel helped me avoid many pitfalls that I would have unknowingly fallen into.  With these thoughts and perspectives in mind, may shopping for yourself and your daughters be an experience that you can now approach with excitement instead of trepidation.

By Kim Crawford

Right here, Right now

Someone once told me that when they died they wanted to be remembered as a woman who had a heart for God.  She wanted her children, or grandchildren, to see her Bible as an expression of her life; with all its handwritten notes, underlined passages, and scraps of papers tucked into it.  She wanted those she left behind to feel closest to her when looking through her Bible.  I thought this was wonderful.

I get so wrapped up in living a fulfilled life.  I want to live up to my potential and not squander my gifts.  I forget that my life will be measured by heaven’s definition of success, not the world’s.  A life lived for God can be lived out on a public stage; preaching, teaching, and encouraging.  A life full of Christ can easily be lived out in the quiet and behind closed doors.  No accolades are needed to measure our success.  We don’t need others to validate our self-worth in our accomplishments they can see and hear and touch.  Well, we shouldn’t need the world to validate us but so often we want it anyway.  God is patient.  We are not.  God is long-suffering.  We desire immediate gratification.  Righteousness is not immediate and is only gratifying if our focus in on heaven’s standards.  I hope that my children will look back at my life and say that I had a heart for God.

Mae Culpa

I had a plan for what to write about today.  I really did.  But a friend came up to me this last week and joked that my blog posts were convicting enough to make her feel like she was failing; she needs to delegate chores, learn something new for herself, and make time to go out with her husband.  I have had opportunity to get to know this family over the past two years and this mom is doing a wonderful job!  Her kids are polite, very knowledgeable, and get along well with others.  This mom is hospitable and always seems to have an uncluttered home.  (Bet she is blushing a bit right now, but it is true.)  I vacillated between feeling bad that I could make such a woman feel inadequate and laughing that once I again I had “labeled” someone as one of those women who have it all together just to find out that is not how they see themselves.

Then I had the idea to post some pictures of my messy house but it was my hubby’s birthday this weekend and the house is pretty clean because we had guests.   I wouldn’t want to give you the wrong idea with pictures of my uncluttered home.  Usually my home is a mess!  I fail on a daily basis; frequently by the hour, and sometimes by the minute.  I can’t sit here and type to you all the answers on raising our daughters to be wise enough because I am still going through this struggle with you. 

My oldest daughter informed me that I needed to make more mistakes.  She mumbled through her tears that I was always right and she was too frustrated with me to listen.  I could have taken this in a most exalted of fashions.  Ha ha, you admit I am smarter than you so you remember this next time I tell you to do something you don’t want to do!  Instead my first thought (thank you, Lord) was to feel shame.  I mess up all the time.  I get it wrong.  I lose my temper.  I don’t want to get down on my knees and play imaginary games with action figures.  I hide in my computer screen instead of reading out loud to my kids.  I miss opportunities to pray. 

I felt ashamed that I was so good at explaining my sins away.  I felt bad that I was so fallen yet so revered by my most astute child.  I get away with it.  I have managed to hide many of my sins from my children.  That isn’t necessarily a good thing.  I don’t want them to think that my fallen behavior is normal or something to aspire to.  I want my daughters to forgive my mistakes but to try to rise above them in such a way that they are better mothers than I have been. 

I don’t think I am a bad mom.  I hope I get it right often enough to be a really good mom, but I am not perfect.  I don’t glow in the dark.  I can’t walk on water.  I want my daughters to see these imperfections and love me in spite of them.  I want my daughters to experience giving unconditional love. 

We all wear masks in our daily life.  The masks change depending on the people we are with, but they are there.  Our masks are the lies we tell ourselves and the assumptions we want others to make about us.  God sees through all this to the heart.  You will fail…it is unavoidable.  But we have a perfect Christ who forgives our failures.  We don’t have to walk on water because he already did it for us.  We have to trust in him and do our best to learn from our mistakes and pick ourselves up when we fail.  So that is my post for today, mistakes and all.

Fear of Getting Burned (Hunger Games 2)

But why would it seem attractive to be untouchable? 

1.      Isolation is protection from hurt feelings and disappointment.  It is harder to hurt someone if they don’t need anything from you, and even more so, if you might actually need them. 

2.      This also means never having to say you are sorry or be weak enough to have to ask for forgiveness. 

3.      Emotional distance can seems like protection from the sometimes wild mood swings produced by hormones and new thinking processes in adolescence. 

4.      It is a position of power to be untouchable; you are pursued, but not the pursuer.  Someone who is untouchable is self-reliant, “strong,” and often “the rebel.”   These are all admirable traits in America.

5.      Emotional distance is seen as a necessary part of being objective about a situation and therefore, able to see what others who are more biased can not see.  I would love to look at how our current culture portrays those who are very smart.  I think most of them would be social inept and rather cold-hearted.

When I wrote about the Twilight series, I examined what it was about the stories that filled such a God-shaped need, albeit in a very non-God-like form.  Perhaps the reason that the Hunger Games is not such a popular series with adults is that most adults have learned that being alone and distant from human relationships is not all that it is cracked up to be.  The adolescent draw to the Hunger Games series isn’t so much about meeting an unfilled need but about belief in a lie.

The NIV Bible’s only use of the word isolation (because “emotionally distant” is more likely to be found in The Message) is in Leviticus in reference to those who are sick and contagious.  The Bible states many times that we do not live alone.  For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  Romans 14:7,8.  Even if we choose not to focus on the church body, local community, or families we do still live in relationship to God.  The relationship might be mostly one-sided on God’s part as He tries to win our hearts, but we are not isolated. 

The lie we believe is that emotional distance provides protection, perspective, and power.  This is whispered in our ears with racy song lyrics that mock love; books with strong solitary heroes; pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps attitudes; the American dream of self-reliance; and a culture that has cheapened commitment and canonized self-absorption.  When I do not feel it is safe or good to be “emotionally available” then I am more likely to increase my focus on self-reliance.  The more I rely on myself, the less I will rely on God.  Satan would love for me to decide that relationships are more trouble than they are worth and I am better off not needing anyone. 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.   And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’   All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

We must fight against this cultural belief in the lie that makes being emotionally distant attractive.  How can I love (the greatest commandment!) if I work hard to disconnect my emotions and myself from relationships? 

To delegate or not…that is the question.

A mom’s life is so busy that we can be tempted to give more time and energy to our short-term goals, like a clean(ish) home, than to the bigger long term goals.  It is easier to do certain chores around the house myself.  I can get the job done better and faster than my children.  This frees me up for the next emergent situation or task on my list.  But I need to think it through from a long term perspective.  Imagine with me…

            Your daughter has grown into a wonderful young lady and has found the man of her dreams to marry.  There is a beautiful and very touching ceremony but it isn’t long after the honeymoon that your daughter starts calling you in tears.  Her new husband (whom you found bright and charming) doesn’t have a clue how to do his own laundry.  He looks at her like she is speaking a foreign language when she asks him to clean up the bathroom.  He doesn’t know where to start.  In fact, he kinda grumbles about any household chores.  Your daughter sobs that she feels more like his mother than his wife. 

Now in your imagination, reverse that situation.  Your future son-in-law is calling his mom up to complain about your darling daughter regarding the exact same things. 

It might be harder and more time consuming to show your daughters how to go about doing chores around the house, but in the long run they (and you) will be better off for it.  I can not imagine if I had to keep up this house, school three children, take care of shopping, cooking, writing this blog, etc. all on my own.  The American myth of Supermom who can be all things to all people is a crippling lie. 

This same short-term thinking can effect how we discipline our daughters.  Are we so caught up in stopping the immediate actions of our daughters that we discipline their behavior instead of trying to reach their hearts?  Do we ignore an annoying or rude behavior until we get so frustrated we react in anger?  There are some great books out on trying to reach a child’s heart (which will in turn change their behavior on a much more consistent basis). 

If you aren’t sure where to start or what chores it would be reasonable to expect of them, I highly recommend 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home: Household tested and proven effective! Techniques, tips, tricks, and strategies on how to get your kids to share ... become self-reliant, responsible adults by Bonnie McCullough.  She goes through what chores you could introduce based on age and ability.  She also gives different tips, motivational methods, and systems to help with problem areas you might have in your home.

We need to realize when our focus on accomplishing the short-term goals can rob our daughters of learning accountability.  Our daughters will one day be accountable to a boss, husband, church family, and more importantly, God.  It is our jobs as mothers to take that extra time to discipline their hearts or show them again and again (and again) how to do chores around the house.  We are teaching them responsibility when we do this.  You can be very knowledgeable about many things, but if you do not have responsibility then your ability to discern how and when to use that knowledge will be severely hindered. 

My [daughter], do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a [mother] the [daughter she] delights in.  Proverbs 3:11,12

In regard to a wicked man: He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.  Proverbs 5:23

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!  It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.    Proverbs 6:6-8

Wisdom at Fort Rapids

My son wanted to go to Fort Rapids, as a family, for his birthday.  It was great fun and I got a chance to sit and write for a bit.  I was amazed to list out all the ways that wisdom was needed at an indoor water park!  I thought I would share with you the thoughts I had about daily wisdom and discernment.

Some were obvious:  no running on the wet slippery floors and making sure everyone knew where our towels and stuff were.  We made sure that everyone had a buddy and stayed with their buddy.  Buddies could rotate but you never leave a man behind. ;)  We also had to think ahead to pack goggles, coins for the lockers, and big fluffy towels. 

Some things though were not so obvious.  We had to walk out with three very disappointed children the first time we went because we didn’t think to verify which days the water park was open (tip: they are not open on Tuesdays in the winter).  Once we got there on the correct day, we had to remind our children to accept the correction of the life guards graciously.  While I thought that should be obvious, I can tell you that I saw plenty of children that day who had obviously not received these instructions. 

Our family has a standard of modesty that is higher than our current culture’s.  Our children exercised discernment in what was appropriate to wear; as well as, discern that it was not okay to lecture the teeny-bopper on her choice of attire (or lack thereof).

Our children were generally good at being aware of the other children around them.  They watched out for young toddlers and other less-steady swimmers.  They stayed out of the way of rambunctious teens and adults.  They didn’t stare at couples who “forgot” they were in public and sat cuddling and kissing.

We had to exercise self-discipline as a family in getting out the door on time.  We also had to get our school work done first (and whining just slows the whole process). 

I read a wonderful book a couple years ago called Last Child in the Woods.  This book impressed upon me the need to allow my children to explore without constantly reining them in or micromanaging their every move.  I no longer tell them to “be careful” but to “be smart.”  In the case of my oldest, who will charge into things without thinking, I will say, “be slow and be smart.”  I want them to know their limits but I don’t want them to be limited by them. 

It feels a bit strange to pick apart one day like this.  I am glad I did though, because I can see how wonderful it is when my children do exercise wisdom.  I can point out to them the benefits they received from practicing discernment, self-discipline, and thinking ahead.  Hopefully, this encouragement will help them to see these benefits for themselves in the future.

Arranging a Marriage

I have found the perfect future groom for my daughters.

• He doesn’t swear or get drunk (though he isn’t strictly opposed to drinking).
• He is punctual and doesn’t seem to get lost (probably because he doesn’t mind asking for directions).
• He loves children.
• Given how frequently he is invited to weddings I hold out hope that he is a good dancer.
• He has a witty, though dry, sense of humor.
• He has the mind of a philosopher and a body use to hard labor.
• He would be fiercely protective of her with the power to back up his threats.
• He is affectionate, loving, tender, and attentive.
• He will ardently pursue her until he wins her hand.
• He would have absolutely pure motives in his time with her.  He would never ask her to comprise her morals by lying or being immodest.
• He will love her unconditionally, always encouraging her to hold herself to a high standard.
• He is quick to forgive and happy to forget past transgressions.
•  He always has an attentive ear and will adore her as if she is the only person in the world.
• He is happy to assume leadership within the home.  His style of leadership is to never lord it over anyone but to lead by modeling serving others.
• He is a master orator and storyteller.  He has never lost a case when arguing before the Judge.
• He will always have time just for her.
• His looks are average but he has a smile that could light up the world.
• He has a great relationship with his Father, but was not afraid to leave home and make his own way in the world.
• He has a wonderful healing touch.
• He is a wonderful provider.  His fishing skills alone could feed a village.
• He knows his scripture inside and out, and he is not afraid to live by it.
• He will never leave her.  There is no place she could go that would separate her from his love.
• He is most interested in her inner beauty.
• He is an excellent judge of character.
• His Father owns a huge mansion filled with gold and jewels.  He has a bright future in store; his Father has always said that his son will one day rule the world.
• He can read her mind. J
• He is willing to die for her…in fact, he already has.

Do you know this man?  Have you introduced your daughters to him yet?  No earthly man could live up to the standard we women reach for, but Christ can.  I hope my daughters find loving husbands who do their best to model their lives after Jesus’ example.  I hope too that my daughters understand that a man will fail them occasionally.  God never will.

Fifth Concerto

See if you can tell what book I have been rereading…

I want my girls to have balance.  I will be disappointed if they do not feel compassion and mercy for others, but I do not want them to feel that simple need is a basis for giving.  If my daughters come to believe that having a need entitles a person to their compassion then they are in danger of expecting others to do for them what they could do (with a little hard work) for themselves.

The daily wisdom of this should show in how I parent and live.  I should strive to model: a willing and joyful work ethic; frequent exercise of my mind in solving problems (not always running to a “helpful” YouTube video); an absolute trust in God to carry me through (but never to “make it easy” for me).  I need to model applying myself to helping others help themselves, but not at the expense of that person’s chance to provide for them self.  Perhaps this last one is done in giving a person the education, opportunity, and space to use their own mind and own hard work.  As much as I can see these things all at work in how I teach childbirth and my services as a doula…I fail all the time as a parent.  It is hardest to be my best for the people I love the most.

I want my daughters to learn to use their minds, not just their bodies as our “grocery store check-out line” culture would have them believe.  I do not worship Capitalism, Intelligence, or Humanity.  I worship a God who created me out of love.  He created me with a capacity to love others.  He fashioned my mind for complex thoughts.  I am created in His image; capable of wisdom and the ability to act on it.

I do not want my daughters to feel limited by their gender nor do I want them to feel a cultural compulsion to shed their feminine nature to be “productive” or to have value.  I do not want my daughters to get socialized by the Disney/Hollywood/Bestseller List notion of romance and emotional love.  I hope my daughters can view screens (TV, internet, video games) as a tool to be used in moderation, not as an escape or addiction that slowly drains them of the desire and ability to think.

My daughters are beautiful, confident, intelligent, and capable young ladies; not because I am a wonderful mother (more in spite of my parenting) but because God created them this way.  I have the task to be my best and to encourage, reward, and discipline in such a way as to nurture and grow these traits into their adulthood.

What Guys Think About Modesty - (Modesty Part II)

This video is a bit of a cheat on posting this week. Our family still has this flu bug. I thought it best not to subject you to my fever-induced writing. Enjoy the rest of your week and I will be back next week.

Write the Next Bestselling Youth Fiction

I just finished reading The Hunger Games this week.  And I wanted to let you know that there is a formula to writing these bestselling novels aimed at youth.  Tell you what, I’ll share it with you and if you happen to get rich off it…make sure you donate a lot to charity.

Let’s use the following book series for examples:Harry Potter (HP), Percy Jackson (PJ), Twilight (T), and Hunger Games (HG).  There are three fairly distinct characters and a couple plot lines necessary for this formula.

First you need a main character that is attractive but not beautiful or jaw-droppingly handsome.  That character can’t know that they are attractive to others which results in humorous foot-in-mouth moments when they think someone is insulting them but they are really getting a compliment.  The biggest reason the character has to have less than stellar looks is that they have to invisible enough for the reader to put themselves in the main character’s place.  This main character is witty in their own mind but usually says the right thing out loud only by accident.  They require at least one exaggerated character flaw; Bella (T) is clumsy, Harry (HP) is socially unprepared to live in the wizard world, Percy (PJ) has dyslexia and ADHD, Katniss (HG) is socially clueless and distant.  The main character must have a tragic childhood that inadvertently prepares them to handle the present task, but at the same time they were “born to…” whatever it is that needs solved.  They must also be emotionally tough, prematurely mature, and a bit distant from the people around them.  No one understands what it is like to be them.  They are all unnaturally talented at something: Bella can block with her mind, Harry calls up great Patronus, Percy has a combination of brains and brawn, and Katniss excels at hunting (especially with a bow and arrow).  Lastly, these main characters seem to attract danger like a light attracts moths.

Next, you have the main character’s love interest.  I should say the main character’s main love interest because a love triangle is another necessary component.  This love interest is desired by others (usually because of looks and manners) but only has eyes for the main character: Edward (T) is handsome, rich, a gentleman, etc.; Ginny (HP) is beautiful and loyal;  Annabeth (PJ) is super smart and pretty; Peeta (HG) is strong, good-looking, and a gentleman (start to see the pattern?).  Of course your main character can’t believe it right off the bat.  It takes time for the main character to come around to the idea that they are desirable.  The love interest either trusts the main character or comes to learn that they should because the main character is right so often.  The male love interests are very protective of the main character and the female love interests are generally smart in addition to pretty.  The love interest also has to willingly sacrifice them self for the main character at least once in the story; not that they have to die, but they do go out of their way to put them self in danger to protect the main character.

The last of the three characters is the best friends forever (BFF) with a generous helping of quirky side-kick.  The BFF is funny out loud and extremely loyal to the main character; though they have to have one big fight where you despair that the main character has lost their best ally.  The BFF is not quite as talented as the main character and is therefore more of a shadow that helps out and tries not to get in the way.  Bella has Jacob (oh, love triangle twist).  Harry has Ron.  Percy has Grover.  Katniss has Gale, then Rue, then Peeta (another love triangle twist). 

Two main plot lines that must be present: you can’t trust adults and an environment that can’t or doesn’t exist today.  The only adults that can be trusted in the books are the ones who rely on the main character to save them (and the world) from the present situation: Carlise (T) is really old but not very authoritative, Professor Dumbledore (HP) bends all the rules for Harry, Chiron (PJ) defers to Percy, and Cinna (HG) is a traitor to his own government to help Katniss.  The parents are all dead or incapable of helping their children.

All the books expect Hunger Games, have a supernatural element to them; vampire, werewolves, wizard, trolls, Greek gods, and centaurs.  The Hunger Games does have extreme violence instead of magic to raise it out of the common ordinary every day environment.

Now you can go out and write the next youth novel that will be flying off the shelves!  Just don’t forget to donate to charity. ;)

Twilight Tuesday (on a Wednesday) 5

Thanks for giving me the extra day to post this week.  I am feeling much better and I am able to see today. :)

Adolescents will begin to realize that relationships are more complex than they had previously thought.  Perhaps they start to see that all the “popular” kids have some similarities; character traits or materials possessions.  Our daughters may not voice the words but a struggle to understand power begins before they become adults.  Who has power?  Why do they have it?  How can I get it?  As intuitively as this seems to happen, what most youth are missing is what power struggles have to do with why they are drawn to certain types of fiction. 

There are multiple layers of hierarchy in the world; power and respect are a result of these layers.  When we talk respectfully to or about our elders or bosses, we model to our daughters.  When we discipline our daughters in love over our concern for their character, rather than in anger to stop them from annoying us, we need to point out that we are obeying the hierarchy that God has set before us.  I know that it was a great break-through for my daughter and I when I showed her some carefully screened pages of my girlhood journal.  She was encouraged to see that I struggled with many of the same things that make her angry or frustrated.  I suppose she thought if I could turn out alright, she would do fine too.  When we allow our daughters to see our reconciliation with God or others, we demonstrate the importance of our submission to proper hierarchies. 

It does seem to be almost a teenage rite of passage to go through a stage where you are firmly convinced you are more mature and wise than your parents give you credit for; you are not an average teen and they are holding you back.  In general, I would agree with this assessment (read Do Hard Things to see what I mean) but unfortunately our culture is not set up to reward teens who do rise up to demonstrate true maturity.  Our daughters may not realize that they will be drawn to fiction that idealizes that which they can control, such as self-sufficiency, or that takes the control out of anyone’s hands, such as luck. 

This rebellion from “oppressive” authority easily mirrors the one we will continue to have with God the rest of our lives.  We will go through stages of questioning why prayers weren’t answered the way we thought they should go, why we are in a particular season in life we don’t like, or become impatient for God to answer (we’ve been praying for days/weeks now!).  Adults are not immune to rebellion and we often think we know better than God about when or what is to be done.  Have patience with your daughter and love her through her rebellion knowing that God is doing the same for you. 


 

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise you.     Psalm 71:5,6

Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.     Romans 13:7

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.     1 Peter 3:15,16

Twilight Tuesday 4

I wanted to switch from taking about the romantic aspects of Twilight to the use of power and respect.  You won’t find much romance in the popular youth fiction that is geared toward young men (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, etc).  You will, however, find these same themes of who has respect/power and how they use it. 

The heroine of the Twilight series is an amazingly self-sufficient young girl.  Bella is the parent in her relationship with both her mom and her dad.  She protects them from themselves as much as she does from her vampire friends.  She cooks and cleans for them and seems to never really need anything from her parents.  Bella has the emotional maturity to be self-sacrificing for her mother’s needs and her father’s physical safety.   In the family hierarchy, she is above their concerns.  Bella’s parents respect her maturity and rely on her more than they know. 

Getting into action and danger of the series, Bella is put in the predicament of having to protect her father or mother from marauding vampires on several different occasions.  Bella’s methods are to keep her family in the dark about what is going on by giving them half truths and in one case, brutally lying to her father in such a way as to intentionally cause him great pain.  Bella’s scheme to keep her father out of danger is to shield him from a truth he couldn’t handle (but she can) and lie to him.   She also tells him a lie that is meant to cause him enough hurt that he will not follow her.  This is a wonderful example of love and parent/child roles!  Ok, maybe not but compare this to Edward’s coven family, who is on the adventures, can empathize with her, and can protect her.    

Bella’s peers are either beguiled by her beauty, wisdom, and maturity or they envy it.  Adults in the series do not fare much better.  Bella is isolated physically and emotionally from her family and peers at the same time that she is drawn into an ideal family (complete with a cranky older sister). 

Another key theme of power in the series centers around the second book in which Bella is in such a depressed state she can’t even contemplate suicide because that would mean she was alive enough to think about ending her life.  I am frankly surprised, but encouraged, not to see “Edwardesque” rehabilitation and recovery centers opening up for teens who become walking zombies when their true love leaves them.  Bella’s depression is a heart-wrenching challenge to her dad and to Jacob, and her emotional state controls those around her. 

In short, the adults in this series hold no power while the youth in the story are in complete control.  I suppose you could argue that the hundred-year-old vampires are adults, but with their eternal youth and perpetual high school careers they get grouped with the younger crowd.  Respect is not earned; you are either born with it or bitten into it.