Thursday, March 10, 2011

Poetic Post

 I have been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp with a wonderful group of ladies and I am really enjoying it.  I love the prose style that she writes in, so as a tribute I thought I would show you what my writing style is like when I am not working so hard to be concise and coherent.

Some days it is easier to get held down in my failure, to give in to the incompetence, and chalk it all up as lost.  Failed.  Human.  Incapable of the task.  I forget that it isn’t about me and my ability.  I forget that I was not made to accomplish glory on my own.  So I lose myself in the long list of my short-comings and bemoan my poor children’s luck.  Back luck in genetics (they never had a chance with my genes).  I take the blame.  I swallow the lie and Satan reels me in.  Not good enough.  Not faithful enough.  Not enough.  It sits in my stomach and festers.  The lie of self; independence.
            But I am not self-sufficient.  I do not need to claim independence as my mantra.  I am dependent on God.  I was made incomplete.  I was made insufficient in patience, mercy, and knowledge.  I will not ever be wise enough on my own power.
            Strangely, the truth is harder to swallow than the lie.  I am tentative to taste it.  I even choke a bit as it slides down my throat; my body’s natural reaction of rejection.  But it soothes my stomach as it settles into me.  The truth is calming.  This is a center.  It gives me a new focal point for balancing my life.  Stop focusing on myself and focus on Him.  I am not the center.
            I am exactly as God made me to be.  I can not do this without Him.  The truth that I am not good enough is a release.  I can let go of guilt, luck, pity, insecurities, shame.  I can continue knowing that I will fall, but never fail.  Falling will only bring me to my knees.  I can risk giving because I know the truth.  My role is to partner with God; to ask, and listen, and receive.
            I can risk loving and trying because I know God is capable of anything, even using me to raise these wonderful children.

And a poem I wrote for my mom when my eldest was about a year old.

This is a whole new kind of love.
It is unlike any other type of love I have ever felt.
And how do I express this love to her?
How can I impress upon her young mind the depth and height of my love?
The words, as of yet, hold no tangible meaning to her
My gifts, my sacrifices she cannot yet appreciate.
Somehow, in the depths of her nature, she knows.
She desires my smiles, hangs on my words, and revels in my physical presence.
One day I will hold her close and whisper to her that I love her so much I would do anything for her.
And she will still not grasp the entirety of my love.
She will only understand when one day she holds her own child tightly in her arms.

Thank you Mom, I think I am beginning to understand.


  1. I love this, Tamara. It brought tears to my eyes. Really.

    My favorite part: "I was made incomplete." I've never thought of it in those terms before, but that's exactly right. We can't do it ourselves; we were never meant to, but don't we all try at some point and fall flat on our faces? Praise God for His mercy and for His infinite patience with us!

  2. Thank you, Lark. I am so glad that I was able to write something that moved you.

    There are many worship songs out there with the idea that we have a God-shaped hole that we are constantly trying to fill. If I acknowledge that only God can fill that void then I am a bit less likely to turn to the temporary fixes that would keep me away from God.

  3. This book just came in the mail! I can't wait to read this one, as I've been reading her blog for awhile.
    Your poem speaks to my heart, verbalizing the same thoughts I had when Juliana was born. I badly want them to know the extent of my love. Repeatedly struck with the violent thoughts that they don't deserve me, I've told George that they are so unlucky - with every strike. If He did not remind me that the striking is only the devil, and I'm loved no matter what... well, let's not go there.

  4. wow tamara...great post! i just stumbled onto your blog today for the first time via facebook. i loved what you said here...falling will only bring me to my knees. just what i needed today! thank you. hope all is well for you and cc hilliard. :-)

    ps...i, too, am reading ann's book...seems to be a hot seller/topic these days. i have always struggled with being thankful.

  5. Tamara - Great thoughts on the fact that we were created to ALWAYS remain dependent on Him. I too easily tend to either pompously think that I can handle it from here on out, or just get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task (or tasks!) and forget that I have the Creator of the Universe wanting to be my strength.

  6. Thank you Tisa and Jenny. It is a great compliment to hear from such erudite women.