In the wake of Valentine’s Day I thought it might be appropriate to discuss how romance plays into our daughter’s wisdom. Romance makes women feel valued. It’s as simple as that. When women feel valued, we feel safe. Our daughter wants to be romanced. Don’t you? As children or as adults we might have had some negative experiences that jaded us or made us distrustful of being sought after by men. But in the core of our being, God made us to long for a relationship where we feel loved. This fulfillment begins at home in our relationships with our daughter and then goes on to include her friendships with those outside of her immediate family. Eventually, our daughter will include more intimate relationships with boys as part of that fulfillment.
Please step outside of the pop culture sexualized notion of romance and look at the heart of your daughter’s need. Your daughter needs to have someone believe in her unique value so strongly that they would pursue her time and attention. An eventual interest in boys is merely your daughter’s natural progression of her search for value and security. But as parents, we can either create a pattern to seek out our daughter, or we put our daughter into the pattern of having to seek after us. There is a balance that needs to be struck there; I am sure none of us want to raise a spoiled brat that thinks everyone should be pursuing her while she just laps it up. But we will set our daughter up for an equally unhealthy relationship if she is always seeking our approval, time, and understanding.
When parents model a healthy relationship (a balance of pursuing her heart without spoiling her) we are subtly offering her wisdom. She will learn from this experience without even being aware there was a lesson. She becomes wise when she can see the difference between the healthy image she has been brought up in and the unhealthy Hollywood image portrayed in movies, books, and music. She is wise if she sees the benefits of the relationship modeled by her parents contrasted by the negatives of quick enmeshment offered in co-dependent relationships (a staple in “teen” romance). How we romance our daughter now will influence her future relationships with God, friends, boys, and even us.
Are you pursuing your daughter’s heart? What would your daughter say if someone asked her that question? Does she feel pursued? It might take some time and effort just to figure out your daughter’s love language, but it will be worth it. Once you figure out how to reach her heart it will be easier to naturally take opportunities as they come up. Once your daughter has had a taste of the real thing it will be easier for her to discern when someone in her life seems good, but truly isn’t good.
My son, if sinful men entice you, do not give in to them. Proverbs 1:10
The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death. Proverbs 13:14
Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20
I've thought about this. How specifically does one pursue her heart? Is this more for dads than moms or equally shared by both? So much to learn in this area.
ReplyDeleteCecile, I absolute adore you for commenting (and other reasons too)!
ReplyDeleteI do think that a dad's relationship with his daughter is very important in establishing her expectations of men and what they will require of her. Do our daughters feel loved, cherished, and protected by their dad or do they feel ignored, misunderstood, or like they are “too much to handle”? But this pursuit of their hearts definitely carries over into a mother-daughter relationship too!
I don’t know that I would use the term “equally shared” here, but I would certainly say that it is just as important. As a (mostly) stay-at-home-mom I spend more time with my daughters than my husband does. On a daily basis, I am the one who is hammering home the value of my daughters’ unique spirit to them. I can make them feel like they are chores I would rather not get to. I can make them feel like they need to constantly be striving to be better, in any number of ways, in order to please me. I can also make them feel safe; to cry, to fail, to be excited, to be passionate about something.
I hope my daughters feel adored and unique and special. I hope my daughters walk away knowing that if they needed me I would be there, but confident enough to try it on their own first (cuz, momma’s doing the dishes and that makes her grumpy anyway).
As for ways to pursue their hearts…hmmm, good idea for a later blog post. :)